Friend: [in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.

Fabrizio: [in Italian] For how long?

Friend: [in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

Fabrizio: [in Italian] How long with your wife?

Friend: [in Italian] Thirty seconds.

Fabrizio: [in Italian, in awe] Lucky!
The Fool: My father! You who died in childbirth!
Victor Shakapopulis: I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
The Operator: Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
The Operator: Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
The Queen: Kiss me quick!

The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?
The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.

The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
[the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom]

The King: [to the Queen] Come, give me a kiss.

The Fool: 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.
The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
The Fool: With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
[the King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress]

The Fool: Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
[Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters]

Mrs. Ross: [upset] How could you?

Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.
[Dr. Ross is in divorce court]

Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
Gina: [in Italian] Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.

Fabrizio: Gina, your body to me a cathedral. Now take off your pants.
Gina: [in Italian] It was my first time. Did you like it?

Fabrizio: [in Italian] Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.
[Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited]

Fabrizio: [romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

[a long time later, Gina is still insensitive]

Fabrizio: [sleepily, in Italian] Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay...

[Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her]
Woods County Sheriff: [on radio] Be on the look out for a large female breast.

Victor Shakapopulis: It's about a 4000 with an X-cup.

Woods County Sheriff: About a 4000 with an X-cup.
Helen Lacey: You're insane!

Dr. Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!
Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!

Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
Dr. Bernardo: In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.
Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

Victor Shakapopulis: How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

Dr. Bernardo: Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

Victor Shakapopulis: But why? What good will this do anybody?

Dr. Bernardo: It'll show those fools who called me mad!
The Operator: Attention gonads, we're going for seconds.
The Girl: For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmitive, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.

The Operator: I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.

The Girl: I'm a graduate of New York University.

The Operator: We're gonna make it.
Woods County Sheriff: Only one thing bothers me, though. That was a single. You're sure that was a single, now?

Victor Shakapopulis: That was a single, yeah.

Woods County Sheriff: Yeah, well, they usually travel in pairs.
Victor Shakapopulis: Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

Dr. Bernardo: Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

Dr. Bernardo: Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

[Victor makes hand gestures]

Dr. Bernardo: Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters and Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

Victor Shakapopulis: Are we having dessert?
The Queen: Didst I feel aright or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

The Fool: Oh, Madam, not I, surely, would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes.
The Queen: Hark unto me! If my husband the King and my son the Doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou saist about copping a feel, thy life would not be worth a plugged nickel!

The Fool: But Madam, so beautiful do they lay there, one on either side!

The Queen: 'One on either side'?

The Fool: A matched set!

The Queen: That's the way they were made, Fool! Away with thee!

[She storms away knocking the Fool over]

The Fool: I fell on my bells!
The Fool: But, seriously, ladies and germs, I want to say that - that plague is really something. Doesn't everything look black?
Victor: I love the new exercises His Majesty does to keep in shape. It's called: taxing peasants.
The Fool: Forgive me, Madam, I beg your puberty.
The Fool: T.B. or not T.B. That is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough. Of cough.
The Fool: Did you like the way I fooled these guys?
The Queen: Cheers!

The Fool: And Roebuck.
The Queen: Wait! Fool, come here. I have - on me, this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins. That makes me wish, thy, longest thou should run amok over my entire body and make love to me now. Ravage me and take me now. Take me.

The Fool: It would be my pleasure.

The Queen: Take me now to the bed.

The Fool: To the bed?

The Queen: Make love to me now.

The Fool: Yes. To the bed!
The Fool: The potion will be under the pillow. So, in case you lose your hots, we can refurbish them.

The Queen: Ay! Come close! Oh God, run thy hands upon my body!

The Fool: I shall - I shall realign your brakes.

The Queen: Ay! Oh! Nay, I need the feel of naked flesh against flesh.

The Fool: I'm all out of naked flesh. But, will velvet do?
Doctor Ross: Now, what seems to be the trouble?

Milos: I am in love with a sheep.

Doctor Ross: I beg your pardon?

Milos: I am in love with a sheep.
Milos: I took Daisy off to a little cove and there, under the Armenian sky, had sexual intercourse.

Doctor Ross: With the sheep?

Milos: Naturally. It was the greatest lay I ever had!
Doctor Ross: You need a psychiatrist. I am a medical doctor.

Milos: Speak to her. Please.

Doctor Ross: I can't talk to a sheep. Are you nuts?

Milos: She's outside in my brother's truck!

Doctor Ross: Would you get out of my office, please! I'm an MD. I'm not a veterinarian!
Doctor Ross: Don't bring in a sheep into this office! My mother just got finished paying for it!
Doctor Ross: Mr. Milos, what you don't understand is its not normal to experience mature love for anything with four legs!

Milos: Wait till you meet her!
Mrs. Ross: What are you doing?

Doctor Ross: Oh, just nothing.

Mrs. Ross: You're not doing just nothing. You were fondling your lamb's wool sweater.

Doctor Ross: I was not fondling my lamb's wool sweater. What would I do something like that for?

Mrs. Ross: Well, God knows?
Nurse: Doctor, Mr. Milos brought in his sheep.

Doctor Ross: She's here? Alright, show her in.

[Nurse brings in Daisy]

Doctor Ross: Thank you. You can go.

[Nurse departs]

Doctor Ross: Hi, darling. I know this must all seem very strange to you. You from the hills of Armenia and me from Jackson Heights. And yet, I think it could work. If we gave it a chance.
Doctor Ross: [on the phone] Room Service, this is Doctor Ross in Room 525. I would like to have some chilled white Burgundy, a little caviar, and some grass. Oh, just plain green grass.
Doctor Ross: Daisy, Daisy, let's be gentle.
Doctor Ross: I'm sorry, honey. I was out when you phoned. Emergency house call. Mmm, you smell good.

Mrs. Ross: [sniffs] Darling, is it my imagination or do you always smell from lamb chops?
Tess, Sam's wife: Ah! My God, she's my husband!
Tess, Sam's wife: Sam, we've been married for years. I love you. You love me. You could have come to me and said, "Tess, I have a diseased mind. I'm a sick individual. I need help. I need treatment. I'm perverted. I'm unfit to function with normal, decent people." I would have understood.

Sam: Thank you.
Robert Q. Lewis: Mr. Jaffe, is this one of those nice perversions that any guy might in indulge in?

Bernard Jaffe: Anybody can do it.

Robert Q. Lewis: Anybody?

Bernard Jaffe: I'm sure you could. Its just a matter of wanting to.
Pamela Mason: Is it something that is done with the hands?
Regis Philbin: When you're doing your perversion, do you have any need for props?
Robert Q. Lewis: Is this one of the perversions that might best be performed in the home or could you just do it anywhere?
Jack Barry: Pamela, would you do the honors and tie up the Rabbi?
Victor: [pulls into a gas station] Let me have 50 cents worth of regular.
Helen Lacey: Are studying sexual phenomenon too?

Victor: Yes. I was a biology major in school and I've really been looking forward to working with the Doctor, you know, he's a great hero of mine. I don't know if you know this or not, but, he was the first man to ever measure the sound waves produce by an erection.
Helen Lacey: I think its wonderful how you Men of Science have finally gotten around to sex! All the girls at The Globe are so pleased with your work on respiration during orgasm.
Helen Lacey: Victor, look!

Victor: Oh my God, a gigantic tit!

Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, what are we going to do?

Victor: I don't know what you're going to do; but, I'm going home and get my catchers mitt. Look, it looks angry. The nipple's getting erect.
Victor: Sheriff, I want to report an escaped tit.
Victor: Listen, we don't have time to argue here. While we're standing here, the countryside's being ravaged by a colossal boob!
Sheriff: We're too late. He's dead.

Toni Holt: Yeah, I know. The cream slowed him up and the milk killed him. We're up against a very clever tit. It shoots half-n-half.
Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, what are we going to do to stop this fiendish tit?
Victor: I've never told anyone this before; but, when I was a little child I was breastfed from falsies.
Victor: The truth of the matter is, I've learned one thing from this whole situation and that is: when it comes to sex, there are certain things that should be always left unknown - and with my luck, they probably will be.
The Operator: Roll out the tongue. Here comes the kiss! Hang on! Activate pleasure center.
Switchboard: Proceed with erection. All systems go.
The Operator: Prepare for penetration.
Sperm: Well, this looks like it.

Victor: Do you guys know what its like out there?

Sperm: Like they told us in training school - it's an ovum.

Victor: I'm scared. I don't want to go.

Sperm: This is what all this training was for.

Victor: But, who knows what its gonna be like out there.

Sperm: You saw slides in class.

Victor: Yeah, but, you hear these strange stories, you know, like, like there's this pill these women take or sometimes the guy's will slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber.

Sperm: Oh, that's nonsense.

Victor: Here or what if its a homosexual encounter?
The Operator: Prepare to stroke her thighs.

Switchboard: We're on the thighs and stroking.

The Operator: Attention mouth. Attention mouth. Please blow in her ear.

Switchboard: Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast.

The Operator: Readjust mouth.
The Operator: We're inside! We're making it! Have memory think of baseball players to keep sperm from premature launching.
Switchboard: Prepare for release of sperm.

The Operator: Will Mayes. Joe Namath. Mickey Mantle.