Everwood Quotes

[Amy is nervously trying to explain how she is fine and notices that Ephram is just staring at her]

Amy: What?

Ephram: You're talking faster than my brain processes language.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Do me a favor, you know how you normally behave?

Ephram: Distant and miserable?

Dr. Andrew Brown: Yeah. Do the opposite.

[to Ephram]

Dr. Andrew Brown: You know, your grandfather thinks I'm only half a person - and if you leave - he'll be right.

Ephram: You know, no offense, but he's really my least favorite thing about you.

Bright: Yeah, well, you're really my least favorite thing about you.

Ephram: Dude, you really gotta work on the insults

Ephram: You gotta stop doing that.

Amy: What?

Ephram: Saying things that make me wanna kiss you.

Ephram: So what do people do up here, besides wait for an early demise... and ask really dumb questions

Amy: Actually I brought you up here to tell you something very important. Grover.

Ephram: Grover?

Amy: It's my nickname.

Amy: Ephram Brown, the melting man. The melting man, Ephram Brown.

Ephram: He's quiet.

Amy: He's not having the best day. They say it's his last

Dr. Andrew Brown: What is that out front?

Ephram: Doe, a deer. A female deer.

Amy: What exactly is going on between you and Collin? I mean, why are you being all buddy buddy with him?

Ephram: First of all, I'm not being all buddy buddy with anyone, all right? He approached me.

Amy: He did, why? I-I mean, why?

Ephram: I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm pretty.

[about Colin]

Dr. Andrew Brown: Are you two friends now?

Ephram: Kinda. Turns out we have some stuff in common.

Dr. Andrew Brown: You mean Amy?

Ephram: Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with Amy.

Dr. Andrew Brown: So why don't you go sit with him?

Ephram: Because of Amy.

[to Ephram]

Dr. Andrew Brown: Now, if you choose not to respond to my parental authority, I should warn you, I have mind altering drugs in the other room and I'm not afraid to use them.

Doctor Brown: Are you dilated yet?

Rev. Tom Keyes: I'm not sure, but everything has a rainbow halo around it. You look like Jesus.

Doctor Brown: I get that a lot.

[to Collin]

Ephram: You know, you're the only guy I know who's so dark it turns me into an optimist. It's kinda scary.

[to Rev. Keyes]

Doctor Brown: I melt down, you practically carry me home, and YOU want to say sorry? You - you're like a saint, only annoying.

[to a girl he's going to get 'lucky' with after he spots his unconscious father]

Bright: I have to go help my dad. If I die and don't go to Heaven, I'm gonna be so pissed

Amy: How long were you there?

Ephram: Long enough to move on.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Clue doesn't come travel sized?

Ephram: One of the world's greater atrocities.

Bright: You know, there's a reason men don't wear ruffles.

Colin: It's not that bad. If this were 1775, you'd be a total chick magnet.

Delia: I don't think I'm going to be a brain surgeon when I grow up.

Doctor Brown: No? Why not?

Delia: Well, for one thing, you have to wake up early. Even on Saturday.

Doctor Brown: Yeah, that can be a drawback.

Delia: And because I'm probably going to be a tap dancer.

Doctor Brown: I thought you were going to be a fireman.

Delia: I'm going to do that, too. During the day.

Ephram: So, what's he like? Colin.

Nina: He's a charmer. You know, he's the kind of kid who forgets to mow your lawn for two weeks, then when he finally comes, you end up paying him for three. I think he was All State football. And pretty smart, too.

Ephram: So he's basically like God.

Mole: Nice truck, Hart. Too bad it's your Daddy's.

Colin: Whatever, McNally. Like I can't drive this whenever I want.

Mole: I'm sure you can.

Colin: Besides your brother there is still the kid who threw up on the DMV guy during his driving test.

[Re: All the marijuana growing in Irma's greenhouse]

Dr. Andrew Brown: Somewhere, Jerry Garcia is weeping.

Rose: I just don't know what Irma was doing with all this marijuana.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Well, I can certainly guess what she was doing with some of it.

[Bright watches the marijuana being brought into the Abbott house]

Bright: This is totally great. The dudes at school are not gonna believe this.

Rose Abbot: [seeing her husband peer out the window] What are you looking for?

Dr. Abbott: Trouble.

Rose Abbot: Which starts with 'T', which rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pot'?

Dr. Abbott: Oh, joke away my dear. Once word gets out, every dope fiend and pot head within 50 miles is gonna come sniffing around this house.

Rose Abbot: And do what? Roll around on the front lawn stoned? Its not catnip, Harold.

[about being friend with Ephram]

Bright: He's not like us, Colin. Trust me, I know him and I know you. It's like ketchup and peanut butter... really bad.

Ephram: Let's talk about this "E" thing. Who came up with that?

Colin: Probably Bright...

Amy: What are you wearing to Colin's?

Bright: Clothes...

Dr. Andrew Brown: How are things with you and Amy?

Ephram: I don't know, we haven't been talking that much.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Oh, yeah... when did this happen?

Ephram: A while ago, you were too busy being clueless.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Oh. What happened? Did you kiss her?

[Ephram looks at Andy in awe]

Dr. Andrew Brown: I'm not THAT clueless.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Did you two find God nicely?

Delia: Yep.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Where was He?

Delia: In the gas tank.

Dr. Andrew Brown: I knew it.

Dr. Andrew Brown: So how's the Amy situation working out?

Ephram: What Amy situation?

Dr. Andrew Brown: Ohh... that good huh?

Ephram: Oh it's fantastic. I'm a really important friend.

Dr. Andrew Brown: So have you heard? Everwood is now officially dope-free.

Ephram: Bright moved?

Laynie Hart: I hate that the egg rolls at Gino Chang's smell like lasagna.

Ephram: I hate that everything's a fest. Thaw fest, fly fest, pie fest. What does that even mean? What's so festive about catching a fish or watching a guy melt?

Laynie Hart: I hate that they call it "Main Street" even though it's pretty much the only one. Why don't they just call it "Street"?

Ephram: Do you have a subway map of another city covering one of the walls in your room?

Laynie Hart: Do you pick colleges based on how far away they are from here?

Ephram: Have you ever had that dream where you're trapped in a sewer for life, and you wake up and you're disappointed that you're still in Everwood?

Laynie Hart: Do you have a packed bag and a plane ticket in your room?

Ephram: Oh come on.

Laynie Hart: You don't believe me? I'll show you!

Ephram: No, I believe you. I've kept the bag around for a while, I just haven't gotten around to buying the ticket yet.

Amy: ...And if you love someone... it should be easy... I love you Ephram.

Ephram: [beat] I love you too, Amy.

Amy: Yea?

Ephram: Yea.

Amy: Cool.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, excellent choice, Delia.

Ephram: Don't let her watch it.

Delia: Be quiet.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Am I missing something?

Ephram: Eight years of raising her. She can't watch that movie, it upsets her.

Delia: It does not.

Ephram: Well, that is if you don't count the screaming and nights on my floor.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Delia?

Delia: Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.

Ephram: Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.

Delia: I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.

Dr. Andrew Brown: Nobody's a junkie in this house.

Nina: You want a cup of coffee?

Dr. Andrew Brown: Only if it's spiked.

Andy: You haven't even touched your... millet pilaf, at least try it.

Delia: I don't want to.

Andy: Delia, this is not a request.

Delia: It tastes like shit.

Andy: What did you just say?

Delia: I said... it tastes... like shit.

[Ephram starts laughing]

Andy: All right, that's it. You go to your room right now. Ephram, stop laughing.

Ephram: [still laughing] I'm trying.

Andy: All right, you go to your room too. Everyone, go to their room this instant.

Linda: I actually don't have a room here.

Nina Feeney: Hi, I'm Nina Feeny. I'm your neighbor.

Dr. Andrew Brown: That's a weird coincidence because I'm your neighbor.

Ephram: Do you have a boyfriend?

Amy: Yes. But I want you to meet him. If you do, you'll understand.

Ephram: That was right on my list of things to do today, right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand.

Ephram: [drunk and relieving himself] Hello, Mr. Bush... so nice and green. I'm your sprinkler.

[snickers]

Ephram: Sprinkler... That's funny. More people should like me.

Bright: Hey, I gotta talk to you about something.

Ephram: What? You got the results back from your IQ test? You failed?

Ephram: I wish you had died instead of mom.

Andy: Well I wish I had, too, you little bastard.

Amy: Ok, four years ago you came to my little town. And you changed my life. I never thought that one person could do that to you, but you did. From the moment that I met you and each moment after that... somehow everything that happend to me, kept comming back to you. I don't know if the Faries Wheel reminds you of anything?

Ephram: Are you kiddin' me? How could I forget our first thaw-fest? It's where you first told me that your nickname was Grover.

Amy: I can't belive you remember that.

Ephram: I remember everything about us Amy.

Amy: Me too, See that's the thing. Everytime I try to forget, The feelings that I have for you, They just they keep comming back, I know they're back. And I don't wanna push them down anymore, I don't wanna run away from this because I never erh, wanna lose you again, I just wanna be with you, Next year, wherever you are.

Ephram: Amy...

Amy: And I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure it out, I really am because I-I hate all of the time that we lost and I know it's my fault and I just really hope that you could forgive me.

Ephram: Amy...

Amy: Because I love you Ephram, I love you

Ephram: [kisses her] It's my turn yet?

Amy: nods

Ephram: Good, Cuz I love you too.

[With a broken voice]

Ephram: I knew it then and I know it now. I know it always, you're IT Amy. You're my one.

Amy: I am?

[smiles]

Ephram: [Smiles] You always have been

[They laugh and turns around and looks at the Faries Wheel]

Amy: You're on for a ride?

Ephram: In a second

[Turns towards Amy and kisses her, They kiss each other]

Amy: Maybe love's like math. You don't get better at it but you just get used to it. Simple equations with the occasional variable.

Ephram: I hope not. I suck at math.

[shows Ephram his new car]

Dr. Andrew Brown: There she blows!

Delia: You can say that again.

Ephram: Emphasis on blows.

[Phil hands Ephram the keys to his new car]

Phil Drebbles: Hop In. Your future awaits.

Ephram: If this is my future, even my past is startin' to look good.

Older Car Salesman: She ain't much to look at that's true, but your girl will like her.

Ephram: Oh, I don't have a girl and I don't think that I'm going to be getting any with this thing. No offence, but this is kinda a mojo killer and I don't have any to spare.

Older Car Salesman: No the girl that's right for you - she'll like this car.

Ephram: What, some kind of weed out? Thanks but my face has that covered.

Older Car Salesman: There's a girl who you like, who likes you. She like's the car.

Ephram: A specific girl who likes this car?

Older Car Salesman: Don't listen to me. What does a guy with grease under his nails know about romance? Here, hop in your future awaits.

Ephram: If this is my future that even my past is starting to look good.

Dr. Andrew Brown: You might wanna work on your bedside manner Ephram. You just cleared the room.

Ephram: Yeah, I noticed that, thank you.

Delia: Set the table doofus, if you can even do that...

Madison: Was that an apology?

Ephram: It was supposed to be.

Ephram: Look, I, last night, what I said, I, uh, I didn't, I mean, I uh think that you're a really really great singer and I, I uh shouldn't have said anything. OK? I'm sorry.

Madison: Was that an apology?

Ephram: It was supposed to be, uh yeah.

Madison: Not great.

Ephram: Oh well. It was a rough draft I was gonna polish it up and give it to ya a little later.

[Deila catches Ephram watching Madison exit a room with a dreamy expression]

Ephram: What?

Delia: Boys are so obvious.

Dr. Andrew Brown: The thing is, I promised Delia I wouldn't go out with her.

Edna: You also promised Delia a horse. I don't see Mr. Ed galloping around here.

Linda: I tried living by Buddha's rule "Live simply". Then I started collecting Buddhas.

Andy: Enlightenment has a lot of props.

Harold: You never take any responsibility for your own actions. Do you blame Colin, Dr. Brown, us?

Amy: No, I just blame you.

Harold: Okay, then, Amy, you want a prescription? Here, I'll write you a prescription.

Rose: Harold.

Harold: No, Rose, I don't know what else to do. I'm at my wits end.

[scribbles on a prescription pad]

Harold: Here's your prescription for Amy Abbott. Not my daughter because my daughter would never do this.

Dr. Linda Abbott: Mom, I'm not putting up my own roadblocks.

Edna Harper: Well you sure as hell aren't pulling any down.

[after finding out her daughter has HIV]

Edna Harper: Why didn't you tell me?

Dr. Linda Abbott: Because I didn't want to worry you. Besides, I didn't want the whole town to know.

Edna Harper: I'm not the whole town.

Madison: Ephram, you don't even know me.

Ephram: I may not know everything about you but I know that you're the only one who makes my little sister think that it's okay to be a girl. And I know that you're only with Jay because you think he can take you where he can't. Because it's easier to say that I'm too young than to risk something you think you want. And I also know that ever since I kissed you at the DMV and every time I've seen you, I've wanted to kiss you again. And I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty certain, that you have, too.

[they kiss]

Ephram: Thought so.

Brenda Baxworth: Just what makes you so sure he's innocent, doc?

Dr. Abbott: Because Marvin Harrison was my father's closest friend. He's no more a murderer than any of you are civilized.

Laynie: Nightmare, isn't it?

Ephram: What's going on, except my exact version of 'hell on earth'?

Laynie: Spoils of war. The result of a commercially financed assault against the unattached individual.

Ephram: Valentines Day?

Laynie: Week after is always the hardest. These newbie couples have the lifespan of a monarch butterfly. By Friday, the halls will be littered with their crispy corpses.

Laynie Hart: You looked so uncomfortable the other day. Like I embarrassed you or something.

Ephram: Look, I'm gonna mess up because that's just what I do. But at least give me a chance to mess up. I mean, I'm capable of such stupidity that you'd be wasting my talent by ending this now.

Irv Harper: I know I bore Edna.

Dr. Abbott: I've bored Rose since the day we met. I think she makes shopping lists in her head while I'm talking to her.

Edna Harper: I did pick up a thing or two from my 'rumble in the jungle'. Maybe they'd apply.

Dr. Andrew Brown: As long as you don't ask the cast to make necklaces out of ears, then, yeah, go for it.

Dr. Linda Abbott: Every time I come here I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit whole into some other time and place.

Dr. Andrew Brown: I have similar thoughts every day.

[Madison is talking to Ephram]

Madison Kellner: Listen, if you need any help with your homework or anything later, let me know, ok? And if you're going to be gone more than an hour, let me know. I don't want to worry.

Dr. Harold Abbott: My daughter is dating a paroled addict.

Dr. Andrew Brown: My 16 year-old son is dating his 20 year old baby sitter.

Dr. Harold Abbott: Barkeep, two more.

Doctor Brown: There's someone in my office...

Edna Harper: Gee, no wonder you brain surgeons make so much money.

Doctor Brown: Isn't he supposed to be dead?

Edna Harper: Yeah, I thought that was a little weird, too.

[after Dr. Brown hangs up the phone looking upset]

Delia: What is it, Dad?

Doctor Brown: Ohhhh, nothin'. A patient I diagnosed with the flue has life-threatening meningitis. And Phil the mechanic is psychic.

[after Phil diagnoses one of Dr. Brown's patients correctly]

Dr. Andrew Brown: The uhhh nurse at school was very grateful when I told her too.

Phil Drebbles: You told Hazel? Great, there'll be a mob here by lunch.

Madison: This isn't the first time Jay's walked out. He loves drama.

Ephram: How long's he been with the band?

Madison: Uhhh, he came in a couple months ago to replace this guy Kip who moved to Oregon to find himself.

[Ephram moves around the counter to read something]

Andy: How 1978.

[Dr. L. Abbott is doodling an Alfalfa Gets Geronimo'd stick figure with an arrow through its head as Louise's voice drones ever onwards into somnolent bliss]

Louise: The proliferation of 15 minute coffee breaks to include more than three per day or the extension of said breaks to encompass greater than 20 minutes of downtime in the span of a three hour period should be avoided.

[Dr. H. Abbott is reading along with his own highbrowed superfluidity of speech in a resounding No!' of silent-mouthed head shaking. Dr. L. Abbott is bored out of her wits]

Dr. Harold Abbott: Thank you, Louise. Ahhhh, moving onto this month's management topics.

Dr. Linda Abbott: You mean there's something left uncovered in the October management summit of 2003? I'm stunned.

Edna Harper: Phil Drebbles, Marcus Welby of the paranormal. Phil's just your average guy. Has a repair shop, sells a few cars here and there. Some years back, word gets out: he has predicted Sam and Jenny Hess will have a male child before the year is out. Only everyone knows Jenny can't get pregnant on account of her ovaries were malformed at birth. By St. Patrick's Day, Jenny knew she was pregnant. And around Halloween, Baxter was born. Well, you can imagine. The whole town beat for a path to Phil's repair shop. Finally about eight months or so, he makes the mother of all predictions: a flood is gonna hit Everwood...

[Dr. Brown chuckles as does Edna]

Edna Harper: ...and, well, by now, his word is golden. Everybody packs up, evacuates the town and...

[Dr. Brown finishes]

Dr. Andrew Brown: No flood!

[Edna chuckles again]

Edna Harper: Not a drop. Drought that year as I recall...

[re: Ephram's new car which he's not all too thrilled with]

Dr. Andrew Brown: Voted safest...

[Ephram interjects again]

Ephram: Boat in the Navy?

[after Jay acts up at practice again]

Ephram: Thank God the mad genius is back. You know, you guys can really use a visionary like him?

Madison: He just likes to make sure his presence is felt.

Ephram: Oh believe me. I'm feelin' it.

[after Ephram helps her with her song]

Madison: Why didn't you tell me you were some kind of prodigy?

Ephram: Well, prodigy would imply youth while I'm actually an

[deepens voice]

Ephram: old soul. At least somebody once told me that. So, you like it?

[Linda has just asked her mom to use her truck so she can move her stuff]

Edna: Sure, you wouldn't rather take Irv's rifle?

Linda: Don't tempt me.

[Edna has just called Andy a nincompoop for not telling Linda how he feels]

Andy: Well, what do you want me to do Edna? I offered to help her yesterday and she didn't want it.

Edna: You're a grown man with a post graduate degree! Figure it out!

Andy: Besides, you know I-I-I think, you might be overestimating Linda's...

Edna: I KNOW that girl. I know how she looks when she's excited about something. And for reasons unknown given your complete incompetence in the dating arena, she's excited about you.

[after Jay kissed Madison in front of Ephram]

Ephram: Why didn't you tell me Jay was your boyfriend?

Madison: He's not my boyfriend. We just hang out, sometimes.

Ephram: Like now? Like when you, when he's got his tongue so far down your throat I thought I was gonna have to give you oxygen?

Linda: Well, I probably won't move again for another year.

Andy: You mean I gotta do this again in another 12 months?

Bright: I go where the booty goes.

[makes a whip noise]

Ephram: I thought that that was a code!

Madison: What? When I said my roommate was going out of town and I wanted you to come over, that's ALL I meant!

Ephram: I thought we were gonna... ya know.

Madison: Okay, you're not allowed to hang out with Bright anymore.

[after Madison's unpleasant "first time" story]

Ephram: Would it be bad if I said I wished I'd been there? I mean, not in a creepy "I'd like to watch" sort of way, I just don't like the idea of you ever being unhappy - even in the past.

Ephram: Let's face it. We were never really friends, we were just...

Madison Kellner: ...in love.

Ephram: I say we keep walking until we run out of fries.

Amy: You know, we can always buy more fries.

Andy: Brittany, hand me that watch and step away from the door.

Brittany: Umm...

[to the closet]

Brittany: abort... abort.

Andy: Oh, very subtle.

[Andy opens the closet and sees Delia kissing Charlie inside]

Andy: .

[yells]

Andy: ABORT! ABORT!

Bright: The way you handled those guys at the party... that was... you were...

Ephram: Bright, I get it. Eloquence is not your thing.

Delia: Are you having a fight?

Dr. Abbott: Perpetually, child.

Mindy Wheeler: [planning a surprise party for her friend] She's clueless as a Playboy Bunny, so don't spill the beans.

Ephram: No problem there. All beans shall remain unspilt.

Bright: [talking about Hannah, dismayed] She's not going to have premarital sex until she's *married.*

Ephram: That's...

[two beat pause]

Ephram: ... never mind.

[inviting Linda]

Dr. Andrew Brown: Hey, can Linda come out and play?

Dr. Andrew Brown: What is that out front?

Ephram: A doe... A deer... A female deer.

Edna Harper: Well, I guess it finally fell out!

Irv Harper: What?

Edna Harper: That stick up his ass!