-
[Evan is driving to work]
Evan Baxter: I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome-
[Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere]
Evan Baxter: AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
God: [smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.
Evan Baxter: How did you get in here? D'ah! I'm calling the cops.
God: No wait. Look-look-look. There's one right there.
[Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]
Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car!
[the officer turns his head, revealing that he is God]
Officer "God": Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.
[Evan turns around. God has vanished from there. He looks and sees God crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]
-
[from trailer]
Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?
Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don't know.
[looking at his feet, under his breath]
Evan Baxter: Be great in case it floods or something...
-
Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.
Evan Baxter: If that's true, I am going to be *so pissed*.
-
[from trailer]
Evan Baxter: [on the ark, addressing a big crowd] People! The flood is imminent!
[everyone looks around, bewildered, and up at the sunny sky. Evan addresses the heavens]
Evan Baxter: Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?
-
[as animals appear around Evan, two sheep appear in the backseat of his car]
Evan Baxter: SHEEEEEEEEEEEP!
-
Rita: [seeing Evan successfully calling all the animals to the ark] I can't even get my cat to use the litter box.
-
Eugene: [to Evan] I love you!... I mean, I think we should hang out socially... I have a new ping pong table.
-
Rita: Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?
-
God: I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.
-
Rita: Have you been shootin' up Rogaine?
-
Evan Baxter: Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken! Joan, could we have chicken September 22nd midday?
-
Rita: [upon seeing Evan's beard] Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Did you just come out of a coma?
Evan Baxter: No.
Rita: Were you attacked by a werewolf?
Evan Baxter: No, I wasn't.
Rita: Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you over-shot it.
-
Ark Reporter: What makes you think God chose you?
Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.
-
God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?
-
Rita: [after seeing an alpaca spit green stuff] If that comes out your front, I don't even want to know what's coming out the back.
-
God: How do we change the world?
Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.
God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.
-
[Rita voices her disbelieve in Evan's ark]
Rita: Look, I go to church every Sunday.
[Evan doesn't believe her]
Rita: Every "other" Sunday.
[Evan still doesn't believe her]
Rita: I've been to church!
-
Evan Baxter: I can't shave. Whenever I shave it just grows back!
Marty: That's what happens when you shave. But then you shave again!
-
Joan Baxter: Is that a llama with a hammer?
-
Evan Baxter: Do I know you?
God: Not as much as I'd like.
-
God: [on a piece of paper] Ask, and you receive.
-
Congressmen: [reciting the Pledge] I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands-
[God suddenly appears right next to Evan]
God: One Nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
[looks at Evan]
God: How long you wanna do this son? I've got all eternity.
[Evan faints on spot]
-
Evan Baxter: These birds had a big meal earlier.
Rita: Want me to get my BB gun?
-
Rita: The way things are going, if he gets any crazier, we might end up in the White House.
-
Evan Baxter: Eugene said that Long cut corners on building codes.
Joan Baxter: What're you talking about?
Evan Baxter: The lake! Long Lake! It's named after him. It's the lake!
[sees the dam starting to burst]
Evan Baxter: Everybody get on the ark now!
-
Congressman Chuck Long: How?
Evan Baxter: The dam. Your reservoir broke, Prestige Crest is no more.
Congressman Chuck Long: No, they said that couldn't happen, they... you did this, you set me up!
-
Evan Baxter: [reading Genesis 6:14] Make thee an ark of gopherwood. Gopherwood?
-
Rita: [after Eugene has said too much] Can I tase him?
-
Ark Reporter: It's September 22nd and we're all still here... awkwarrrd!
-
Rita: [Evan's clothes have changed into his Noah outfit] Did you just make a wardrobe change? This isn't the Oscars. You're not Whoopi.
-
Rita: [looking up at the Ark which is almost finished] Why couldn't the man just buy a Corvette?
-
Rita: [Referring to Evan Baxter] There he is! The head honcho. The big Kahuna.
-
Evan Baxter: [he enters his new office] This is nice.
Rita: It's too nice. There's something crooked going on around here.
[sarcastically sniffs]
Rita: Do you smell anthrax?
-
[Rita sees over the security camera that Evan has shown up to the House conference meeting with his beard braided]
Rita: Evan, what are you doing? You have a pony tail on your face! What are you gonna do next? Cornrow your eyebrows?
-
[Joan has taken the kids to a diner, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is showing on the TV]
Jon Stewart: He's filling the Ark with two of every kind of animal. Still to be collected: two giraffes, two elephants... and one more jackass.
-
Evan Baxter: Get on the Ark! Everyone on the Ark, now!
Marty: I think we should get on the Ark.
Eugene: I agree. I think we should get on the Ark, also.
Rita: I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm going home.
[the dam breaks and a wall of water comes at them]
Rita: Ladies first! Move!
-
[first lines]
Susan Ortega: And that's the news. But before we sign off, we'd like to thank our very own Evan Baxter, who has just been elected Buffalo's representative to Congress. And now we have a surprise for Evan.
Evan Baxter: No, you don't.
Susan Ortega: We do.
Evan Baxter: Oh, no. I really didn't expect this.
Susan Ortega: Here's a look back at his run for office.
Evan Almighty Quotes
Extended Reading
