Graham Norton: Okay, so not as bad as we expected.
Lars Erickssong: Stop laughing, please.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: The elves went too far!
Lars Erickssong: I can't take this shit, okay?

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Okay!

Lars Erickssong: [indicating a lot of shit with his hands] It's, like, this much shit.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: I know!

Lars Erickssong: [indicating less shit] I can maybe take this much shit, but it's up here!

[indicates more shit]

Sigrit Ericksdottir: It's a lot of shit!

Lars Erickssong: [screaming] Shit!

[a nearby ice shelf collapses]

Lars Erickssong: [quietly] Shit.
Lars Erickssong: She's probably not my sister.
Lars Erickssong: Give up on your dreams now while you're still young.
[commentary during the Eurovision semi-final]

Graham Norton: Now the moment we've all been waiting for: Iceland. Every performance is an adventure with this group. They're called Fire Saga and why they're here is anyone's guess.
Neils Brongus: I'm so sorry about tonight. They were... awful. Next year it will be better, I promise! We'll send someone else. Just... anyone.
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Are you gay?

Alexander Lemtov: What? No. Of course not. I am Russian.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: No?

Alexander Lemtov: There are no gay people in Russia.
[Alexander is backstage, applauding after Fire Saga's performance in the finals, when Mita walks over to him]

Mita Xenakis: Good for you, Alexander.

Alexander Lemtov: I still win, of course, but... I am happy for them. How could I not be?

Mita Xenakis: You deserve to be happy, too.

Alexander Lemtov: Mother Russia does not agree.

Mita Xenakis: Come to Greece with me.

Alexander Lemtov: Hmm... I do like the statues. Maybe we get a yacht. I look fantastic with tan.

Mita Xenakis: Wouldn't know, I haven't seen you with a real one.
Lars Erickssong: Hey, Americans! Are you having a good time in Iceland?

Bill, Brittny, Jenn, Jeff: Yeah!

Lars Erickssong: Well, we hate that you're here.

Lars Erickssong: So why don't you go back home, all right? Don't you have some traffic to sit in with your monster trucks and your chili corn dogs?

Sigrit Ericksdottir: [trying to redirect Lars] Okay, Lars.

Lars Erickssong: Why, I have some opiates for you, you can take, while you over leverage your credit cards and you buy too many houses.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: [trying to quiet Lars] Okay. Wow. Hey! Hey!

Lars Erickssong: No, I'm not done! I hate you! I hate your guts!
Olaf Yohansson: Hey, Lars! Get back in there right now and play Ja Ja Ding Dong!

Lars Erickssong: No, we are done for tonight!

Olaf Yohansson: You have to play it!

Lars Erickssong: Why do I have to play it? I already played it.

Olaf Yohansson: I don't care! You have to play it again!

Lars Erickssong: Tell me, when will it be enough for you?

Olaf Yohansson: IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH! I ONLY WANT TO HEAR JA JA DING DONG!

Lars Erickssong: Fine, I'll play it! I'll play it. We're having a break.

Olaf Yohansson: [to the crowd] Hey guys, he's going to play Ja Ja Ding Dong!

[cheers]
Victor Karlosson: I never understood why half this country still believes in elves...
Lars Erickssong: [holding intricately carved knife with shocked look on his face] Thank you! Enjoy the biscuits! I'll just leave the knife here... in case... you have to... . do other murders!
Graham Norton: [commenting on Fire Saga's "Double Trouble" performance] We're hearing voices... So they're not dead...
Lars Erickssong: The perfect song isn't the winning song, but a song that comes from the heart.
Lars Erickssong: Hallo, I am Lars.
Jorn: Iceland could win the Eurovision Song Contest for the first time in its sixty-year history. What's wrong Victor?

Victor Karlosson: If she won... that means that we then host the contest for the next year.

Jorn: Ah yes. The winner of the Eurovision Song Contest hosts the following year. Yes, you're right, Victor.

Anna: Maybe it could be in Keflavik.

Victor Karlosson: Oh, sure. Fantastic idea.

Anna: Thank you.

Victor Karlosson: But perhaps, Keflavik, a town of 15,000 people, lacks the infrastructure to host 42 countries and over half a million people. I'm afraid the cost of hosting will bankrupt the whole country.

Jorn: [laughing] What?

Anna: And why should we listen to him? Huh? The brilliant financial men of this country nearly ruined us ten years ago.

Jorn: You were one of them
Sigrit Ericksdottir: Lemtov, I need to ask you something.

Alexander Lemtov: Sure, sure.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Okay... ehm... are you gay?

Alexander Lemtov: Wha-...? No. No, no, of course not. I'm Russian.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: No?

Alexander Lemtov: There's no gay people in Russia.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Statistically speaking, I think that's impossible.

Alexander Lemtov: It's true, I'm 100%...

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Gender-fluid?

Alexander Lemtov: ...fact-of-truth not gay Russian.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: Non-binary?

Alexander Lemtov: No, no, no non-binary. I "he-him" pronoun. He-him.

Sigrit Ericksdottir: [softly] Okay.