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Cynthia: We don't even have money in our budget for coffee filters. We're using a yarmulke!
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Ken: Of course I stopped payment on the plugs, you gave me DOLL'S hair!
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Whitaker: One more word out of you, Cynthia, and you're fired.
Cynthia: Oh, and which word would that be? Asshole? Shithead?
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John: Look, Ed, you put *anybody* on television sixteen hours a day, and sooner or later they're going to fall off a table and land on a cat.
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Panel member: A joyous celebration of boobery, that's what it is.
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[talking about Ed's dad]
Ed: He cheated on you?
Ed's mother: Well, he had medical problems, he said the woman he was with was a nurse.
Ed: And you believed him!
Ed's mother: Well, she had white shoes.
Ed: So does Grandma! So does Sahquille O-Neil!
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Al: I'm gonna go take a piss. Wish me luck.
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Ed Pekurny: Where's Ma?
Al: She's in the kitchen. I'd yell for her but... I'd die.
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Al: How about sex?
Ed: I'm sorry, Al, but I'm gonna have to pass. And it's not an age thing, 'cause you are still a handsome man.
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Shari: He is a bad lay. And I mean *bad*.
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Whitaker: Cynthia, another word, and you may consider yourself fired.
Cynthia: Uh-oh. Can you gimme a hint? What word? Uh, *asshole*? *Shithead*? Is that - I bet that - is that one word or two though? I never can remember that. Shithead.
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Al: Don't blame your mother, I was irresistible!
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Bill Maher: Okay, since we have Ray Pekurny on the panel today, we thought we'd talk to him about his book. It is called "My Brother Pissed On Me." Is that a metaphorical title or did he really piss on you?
Ray Pekurny: I put it- I put it in the book.
Bill Maher: Okay, then. Well, I'll be honest, I haven't read it, because, frankly, it sounds kind of stupid.
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Ray Pekurny: You know, how many chances do guys like you and I get?
Ed: I don't know.
Ray Pekurny: That's right, you don't know.
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John: I was at this comedy club last week and this comedian says "If you're over thirty and your job requires you to wear a name tag, you screwed up your life." And I'm laughing and then I realize I wear a name tag.
Ed: So do I. So what? I'm doing all right.
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Ray Pekurny: I mean, I'm human.
Ed Pekurny: Come on, Ray. What do you mean? Why didn't you stop?
Ray Pekurny: Stop?
Ed Pekurny: Yeah, why didn't you stop?
Ray Pekurny: I'm the guy. I don't stop. That's the woman's job. We're the gas, they're the brakes.
Edtv Quotes
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Myles 2022-03-15 09:01:05
Oh oh oh good-looking! Although the final ending is lame, it is very happy~ Matthew McConaughey is so tender! So is Woody Harrison... The heroine is a bit like Renee Zellweger. The slightly funky tone in the original sound I always think is Steve Wonder’s Superstition
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Demarco 2022-04-23 07:03:21
Life without any privacy is scary
