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Mrs. Dubrow: I like psychotic people. They get things done.
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Lord Rutledge: Where do you keep your champagne? Near the furnace?
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Lord Rutledge: From the look of my soup I'd say someone in your kitchen has a serious hair loss problem.
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Lionel Spalding: Monkey head! Monkey head!
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La Farge: When I was in the sewer once, I saw a turtle that was so big it looked like a Volkswagen with a tail.
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Brian Grant: Dad's gonna kill you when he finds that you lost his camcorder.
Kyle Grant: I didn't lose it. The gorilla did.
Brian Grant: All right, the gorilla did.
Kyle Grant: When we get back, you'll see.
-
Robert Grant: Kyle, I know you're upset about the vacation, but that is no excuse to throw a guest's dog into the garbage.
Kyle Grant: I didn't throw him in the garbage.
Robert Grant: Then, what happened? No, no, don't tell me, let me guess. You decided to give him a coffee-ground bath to improve his coat.
Kyle Grant: He jumped off the dog walk.
Robert Grant: The dog is suicidal? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
Kyle Grant: He smelled the monster on the ledge and jumped over.
Robert Grant: Oh, it makes perfect sense now. He smelled the monster on the ledge. It is the smelly ledge monster.
Brian: [to Kyle] Way to blow the tip, psycho.
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Mrs. Dubrow: Where did it come from?
La Farge: Well, when two orangutans fall in love...
Robert Grant: I think she means how did it get into the hotel.
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Brian: Well, if you're going to be grounded in a five-star hotel it is the place to be.
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Robert Grant: [sees Dunston out the window] HOLY SHIT!
Mrs. Feldman: [to Mrs. Winthrop] He must really hate the Four Seasons.
Robert Grant: No, no!
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Kyle Grant: Where's Mrs. Dubrow?
Victor Dubrow: Scouting hotel sites in Alaska.
-
La Farge: I'm sorry. I was only trying to do my job. It was nothing personal. Do you forgive me?
[Dunston slaps him]
La Farge: I deserved that.
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Kyle Grant: [Robert has gotten a Dubrow Alert] Dad, wait, I'm not done.
Robert Grant: Yes, you are. She hates kids. She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts!
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Victor Dubrow: [Robert whispers to Kyle hiding under his desk] Why is he talking to his crotch?
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Robert Grant: I'm giving you a week's paid vacation.
Consuelo: Thank you.
Robert Grant: On one condition: you have to go running out of this office right now, crying.
Consuelo: [starts up tears] Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Ahhhhh.
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Lord Rutledge: You know, I do all sorts of tricks. Do you know what my specialty is?
Kyle Grant: No.
Lord Rutledge: I can make noisy little boys disappear.
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Victor: Fluffy towels.
Robert Grant: Excuse me?
Victor: Read the cards, Robert. You gotta keep up on the cards. You know what the guests want?
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Lionel Spalding: His name is Neil, after Neil Armstrong
[in baby talk voice to Neil]
Lionel Spalding: The first man on the moon, yes he was.
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Brian: You do realize we'll probably end up living in a Motel 6?
Robert Grant: Yep! Sounds pretty good to me.
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Man at Table: Can I help you with somethin', son?
La Farge: I'm lookin' for a Pongo Pygmaeus.
Man at Table: [slyly] I catch you lookin' at my wife's Pongo Pygmaeus once more, I'm gonna break you in half.
La Farge: Right.
-
Kyle: Dad! There's a gorilla in the bathroom!
Robert: Kyle, there is no gorilla in the bathroom.
Kyle: But, Dad...
Robert: Go back to sleep.
-
[shouts hysterically after seeing Dunston and La Farge slaps him]
Lionel Spalding: Why is everyone in this hotel always slapping me?'!
[La Farge slaps him again]
-
[last lines]
Lionel Spalding: NOOOO!
[Dunston drops a coconut on his head]
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Brian Grant: [to Kyle] If anything happens to me, there's a box of magazines under my bed.
Kyle Grant: Yeah?
Brian Grant: Get rid of 'em, okay?
-
[first lines]
Doorman: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Majestic.
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[Under a table]
Lord Rutledge: The party is over, Dunston.
[captures Dunston with a tablecloth]
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[on his phone after seeing Dunston in the greenroom on the roof]
Robert Grant: Call security and get them up here! Everybody! Everybody! And call the best animal control in the city. And Nancy, Nancy - call Kyle, and, uh... apologize for me.
[hangs up, begins hyperventilating]
Robert Grant: I got a monkey in my hotel!
-
[his dog has spotted Dunston]
La Farge: He's in there, Fang?
[Fang barks]
La Farge: All right!
[cocks his tranquilizer gun]
La Farge: As you were.
-
[Failing to nail Norman with the fountain in the lobby]
Kyle Grant: Uh-oh! Air shaft to basement, we have a problem!
Brian: [Through the radio] What?
Kyle Grant: We hosed a guest!
Brian: Abort mission! Repeat, abort mission!
[Kyle quickly crawls out of the air shaft]
-
[on the phone with the kitchen]
Brian: You heard me, more bananas.
[Catches a Frisbee and throws it back]
Brian: That's right! Bananas!
-
[to two French teenage girls]
Brian: Enjoy your stay.
-
[Dunston has a cigarette in his mouth]
Lord Rutledge: I thought you were giving up.
[rolls his eyes]
Lord Rutledge: It'll stun your growth; now give it back.
[Dunston shakes his head]
Lord Rutledge: [annoyed] Dunston, I'm a little too busy with your ever-so-amusing little games. Now will you please give it back?
[Dunston spits the cigarette out, nailing Lord Rutledge in the face, and laughs]
Lord Rutledge: Monkey spit, how delicious.
-
Robert Grant: [of Rutledge] He tied you up?
Kyle Grant: Yes, and he's gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him!
Robert Grant: Okay. You guys, you split up, you find the monkey, and you take him upstairs to the apartment. I'm gonna take care of Lord Rutledge.
Dunston Checks In Quotes
Extended Reading
