Due Date Quotes

Ethan Tremblay: Holy Moses, it's like I'm traveling with a child!

Peter Highman: Have you used the restroom?

Ethan Tremblay: Good point, I need to take a pee-pee.

[walks towards the restroom with a childish walk]

Ethan Tremblay: Where's your dad?

Peter Highman: Uh... no idea.

Ethan Tremblay: When's the last time you saw him?

Peter Highman: 1977. He had his bags packed at the door and he picked them up and put in the back of his car. And, uh, drove away. Last time I ever saw him.

Ethan Tremblay: [begins laughing hysterically]

Ethan Tremblay: That's so funny! My dad would never do that, he loved me!

Peter Highman: If I miss the birth of my own child, I'm gonna choke you out with your own scarf. Wrap that thing 'round your head, and choke you out.

Ethan Tremblay: Sounds a bit... drastic.

Ethan Tremblay: [from trailer]

[talking to a can full of his dad's ashes]

Ethan Tremblay: Dad... You were like a father to me.

Border Crossing Agent: [from trailer] Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?

Ethan Tremblay: No, I have glaucoma.

Border Crossing Agent: What about the dog? Does he have glaucoma? His eyes are glassy too.

Ethan Tremblay: [from trailer]

[after taking another sip from a cup of coffee made from his dad's ashes]

Ethan Tremblay: Oh God! I'm so stupid.

Ethan Tremblay: [from trailer] My father always had a saying "When a day starts like this it's all uphill from here.

Peter Highman: Uphill? No, it's all downhill from here.

Ethan Tremblay: But nobody wants to be down, everybody wants to be up. It's all uphill from here.

Peter Highman: But it's easier to go downhill. So your dad had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

Ethan Tremblay: [rehearsing a monologue from The Godfather]

Heidi: That was really good, especially the second paragraph about the killing.

Barry: Really good.

Heidi: Did you write that?

Ethan Tremblay: No, the mafia did.

Peter Highman: Okay, I've calmed down a bit.

Ethan Tremblay: You ready to apologize?

Peter Highman: What? Fuck you!

Peter Highman: I despise who you are on a cellular level.

Ethan Tremblay: Okay, I've heard that before and I'm trying to work on it.

Peter Highman: I have to get back to Los Angeles.

TSA Agent: Have you ever seen the movie Forrest Gump? He ran across the U.S. and he was pretty stupid. I have faith in you.

Peter Highman: How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in a car?

Ethan Tremblay: I've done that.

Peter Highman: Okay, if you are going to travel with we have to set a few ground rules. First off, no asking me any questions. Second, if you fall asleep for any reason other than that you are in a bed and it's nighttime, I will strangle you. Third, if you are allergic to waffles, don't eat them.

Ethan Tremblay: Then don't take me to a Waffle House.

Ethan Tremblay: Give me a scene.

Peter Highman: Okay, I'm Julia Roberts. We are engaged to be married. You have terminal cancer. Break the news to me.

Ethan Tremblay: Julia Roberts, as you know, we are engaged to be married. I have terminal cancer.

Peter Highman: Awful, just awful. I didn't buy into that one bit.

Ethan Tremblay: I thought that was really good.

Peter Highman: Okay, it's the Super Bowl. You're a coach with a spotty career. You are down 31-0 at halftime and you need to motivate your team.

Ethan Tremblay: That wouldn't work in a movie.

Peter Highman: You kidding me? It's in a movie every two years.

[Ethan walks out of the bathroom]

Ethan Tremblay: [Ethan storms back into the bathroom] Come on guys! You, Allan, you're playing like a girl out there. What are you, a girl or something? You, Smith, what are you, a girl or something?

Peter Highman: Okay, your wife calls. She wants a divorce.

Ethan Tremblay: The coach's wife?

Peter Highman: Yes, the coach. The character you're playing.

Ethan Tremblay: Come on, guys.

[Ethan picks up his phone]

Ethan Tremblay: Hold on a minute, guys. Hello? What? You're leaving me? No! I can't have this happening to me. My dad died, and now this.

Peter Highman: You are a colonel in my platoon and you promised to get me home to my high school sweetheart.

[Ethan pukes into Peter's wound]

Ethan Tremblay: I'm sorry. I puked into the wound.

Peter Highman: That's okay.

[Peter gets confused by the sudden change of look on Ethan's face]

Ethan Tremblay: Get in the back, private. What are you, a girl or something?

[first lines]

Peter Highman: I just had the strangest dream. It's Friday. We're at the hospital. But it's not a hospital, it's a, a, a forest of sorts. And I know that because right next to you there's a bear. A grizzly, cooling his feet in a stream. And all of a sudden, you begin to deliver, and I can't get to you. But the bear can. And the next thing I know, he is holding our beautiful baby boy. And here's where it gets odd. Uh, he chews the cord. But, strangely, I'm okay with it. That's gotta be a good sign.

Peter Highman: Why are your father's ashes in a coffee can?

Ethan Tremblay: Because he's dead, Peter.

Peter Highman: I didn't sleep last night. I'm gonna try now.

Ethan Tremblay: Well you really should have masturbated, cuz I had a glorious orgasm and I slept like a baby.

Ethan Tremblay: Dr. Greene says it happens all the time. You know, ultrasounds aren't always reliable.

Peter Highman: Right.

Ethan Tremblay: Little Rosie.

Peter Highman: Rosie? Little Rosie Highman. Does that sound strange to you?

Sarah Highman: You love him, you now you love him.

Peter Highman: I survived him. There's a difference.

[last lines]

Charlie Harper: You got any more pot?

Ethan Tremblay: Not for $9 an hour I don't... I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.

Ethan Tremblay: [At the Western Union after some ID troubles] Oh, jeepers creepers. He's right. He's right.

Peter Highman: What do you mean "he's right"?

Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Tremblay is my stage name.

[to clerk]

Ethan Tremblay: I'm an actor.

Peter Highman: Stage name.

Ethan Tremblay: Yeah.

Peter Highman: What is your real name?

Ethan Tremblay: Ethan Chase, but it doesn't sound like an actor's name.

Peter Highman: [Annoyed] Ethan Chase sounds like the name of an actor. Ethan Tremblay doesn't make any goddamn sense. Okay? It's confusing. It sounds like it was made up...

Ethan Tremblay: Yeah. I made it up.

Peter Highman: Ethan, I *know* you made it up. It's your fucking stage name! Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name...?

Ethan Tremblay: I wasn't thinking!

Peter Highman: Right.

Ethan Tremblay: I'm just trying to commit to the new name...

Peter Highman: That was William Shakespeare. Have you heard of him?

Ethan Tremblay: Yes, I've heard of Shakespeare. He was a famous pirate.

Peter Highman: What were you thinking when you spent almost all of our money on drugs?

Ethan Tremblay: I don't think in those terms.

Peter Highman: What terms do you think in?

Ethan Tremblay: I'm not an accountant, Peter. I'm not even Jewish.

Peter Highman: Are you an adult?

Ethan Tremblay: Of course I'm an adult. I'm 23 years old.

Peter Highman: You are the most shot-out 23-year-old I've ever seen. How have you made it this far? How have you not run yourself over in a car?

Ethan Tremblay: I've done that.

Peter Highman: How have you survived? That's my question.

Ethan Tremblay: Mostly luck.

Peter Highman: Yeah. That's what I thought. Just dumb fucking luck.

Peter Highman: I'm telling you. I wouldn't make it up.

Ethan Tremblay: You sure? I could've sworn I read it was man-made.

Peter Highman: Nope. Not correct. Very old. Formed over time. Grand Canyon. Known fact.

Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I have a photogenic memory. I have recall for...

Peter Highman: Ethan, I promise you. It's old. It's the Grand Canyon, it's not Hoover Dam.

Ethan Tremblay: Well, I know it's not the Hoover Dam, that was built by the Pilgrims.

Peter Highman: Also incorrect.

Peter Highman: What are you lookin' at?

Alex: Nothing.

Peter Highman: Nothing's right!

Peter Highman: This window's not working.

Ethan Tremblay: No, I locked them so we could get a good clam bake going on in here. That way Sunny could get stoned.

Ethan Tremblay: We'll have to do that tomorrow. We close in five minutes.

Peter Highman: It's 6:35, sir.

Lonnie: What are you, my fucking boss? You make the hours? I say when we close. l got reservations at Chili's. I'm meeting my boys.

Peter Highman: You have a reservation at Chili's?

Ethan Tremblay: That's actually smart. l mean, it gets busy on a Wednesday night.

Ethan Tremblay: I'm sorry about my friend. We really just need the money to get to Los Angeles... so he can be there for the birth of his first child.

Lonnie: That's such a sweet story. You know where l was when my daughter was born?

Ethan Tremblay: Chili's?

Lonnie: lraq. How about l call my sergeant in Fallujah and tell him your story, see what he thinks?