Dirty Grandpa Quotes

Stinky: [indicating Jason] Who's the lesbian?

Dick Kelly: My grandson, Jason.

Stinky: Is he here to scissor with me?

Cousin Nick: Fuckin' sucks dick about grandma, huh? Old woman fuckin' murdered like that.

Jason Kelly: I think she had cancer.

Cousin Nick: We'll never know the truth.

Jason Kelly: We absolutely know the truth. Grandma had cancer for ten years.

Cousin Nick: You don't just die from cancer, Jason.

Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer is awesome. I get to handle SCC compliance...

Dick Kelly: No shit.

Jason Kelly: Yeah, yeah.

Dick Kelly: You handle SCC compliance?

Jason Kelly: LP agreements...

Dick Kelly: Oh, man! I didn't know that!

Jason Kelly: LLC agreements...

Dick Kelly: You're shitting me.

Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer, you know, it's got its upsides.

Dick Kelly: You know what I'd rather do?

Jason Kelly: What?

Dick Kelly: I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon.

Dick Kelly: Hey, you know your cigars! What are you, half Cuban or something?

Lenore: Actually I am, Professor.

[bends over]

Lenore: The bottom half.

Dick Kelly: We have a long standing bet - who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger three wood.

Lenore: Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.

Jason Kelly: Holy shit.

Jason Kelly: [shows up in a yellow sweater and plaid slacks] Well, how do I look?

Dick Kelly: Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention.

Lenore: For what it's worth, I still really wanna fuck you.

Dick Kelly: Oh, we're gonna fuck.

Lenore: Yeah, we are.

Dick Kelly: We're gonna thunderfuck.

Lenore: You're gonna tsunami on my face.

Dick Kelly: You're gonna flood like the Nile.

Lenore: Yeah, I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.

Dick Kelly: The villagers will finally eat.

Lenore: If you're gonna die while you're eating me out, I want your last breath to be in my pussy.

Cody: Lenore, you're such a slut!

Lenore: I like your pull out couch.

Dick Kelly: Yeah? Well, I got news for ya. That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.

Dick Kelly: I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want summa dat drank? Summa dat purple draaank? Summa dat purple ass motherfuckin' pimp dick draaank?

Bradley: Who... the fuck... are you?

Dick Kelly: Look... I'm sorry, I don't know if I can do this. I haven't done it for a long time.

Lenore: I want you to tear open my bra like it's a social security check

Lenore: Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.

Dick Kelly: I've fallen and I can't get up.

Lenore: Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower.

Dick Kelly: Things were better under Eisenhower.

Lenore: We like Ike!

Dick Kelly: [yells] We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike!

Lenore: Are you cumming or dying?

Dick Kelly: I'm not sure, maybe both!

Jason Kelly: I don't think you're very popular here, Grandpa.

Dick Kelly: You're the one that's going to have to watch out. You might get Oreo'd.

Jason Kelly: Oreo'd?

Dick Kelly: That's when two black guys fuck a white guy. You're the cream in the middle.

Lenore: Hi, Professor.

Dick Kelly: Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.

Lenore: Thank you.

Dick Kelly: I was actually talking to him.

Bradley: Yup, immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.

Dick Kelly: Just try not to join the cast of "Rent" on the way back.

Dick Kelly: You're like some sort of cock blocking terminator sent back from the future to cock block humans.

Jason Kelly: [Sarcastic hand gestures] Ah, got ya.

Dick Kelly: The robots should've sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could've cock blocked John Conners' parents and he never would've been born.

Jason Kelly: *Shut up Grandpa. Shut up*