Despicable Me Quotes

Vector: [on the phone] Gru?

[laughs]

Vector: Don't make me laugh! And P.S., he is not getting the moon! And P.P.S., when I'm done with Gru, he's gonna be begging for mercy!

Dr. Nefario: We have to warn him, and FAST!

[starts driving on his moped very slowly]

Gru: We stole the Statue of Liberty...!

[the minions cheer]

Gru: ...the small one, from Las Vegas!

[the cheers stop]

Gru: I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower... also Vegas.

Gru: Clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch *anything*.

Margo: Aha. What about the floor?

Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor.

Margo: What about the air?

Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.

Edith: What about this?

[holds a ray gun in her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]

Gru: [screams, holding a frying pan for protection] Where did you get that?

Edith: [shrugs] Found it.

[Gru takes it away from her]

Gru: Okay, rule number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?

Agnes: Does this count as annoying?

[lets go of Margo's hand and puckers her cheeks]

Gru: [stops Agnes] Very!

[sighs, irritated]

Gru: I'll see you in six hours.

[leaves the kitchen]

Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right...? Agnes?

[She and Edith turn and see Agnes scarfing from the bowl on the floor marked "food."]

Agnes: [mouth full] Mmm?

Gru: We have located a shrink ray in a secret lab. And once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the TRUE crime of the century!

[in a sinister tone]

Gru: We... are going to steal...

[the minions pull out their weapons]

Gru: Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet.

[a rocket launcher is fired and hits one of the minions]

Gru: Hey. Dave, listen up, please!

[the hit minion walks over to Dave and punches him]

Gru: [gets on the platform as it rises up to the roof] Next, we are going to steal... pause for effect...

[the platform stops so that Gru is silhouetted against the moon]

Gru: ...THE MOON!

[Minions cheer]

Gru: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back, and I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'M talking 'bout!

[Gru is showing Mr. Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel]

Gru: I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toi-let what?

[sees a child's drawing in his plans, of himself sitting on a toilet, signed by Edith, the girls laugh off-screen]

Gru: Sorry. Sorry! Could you, uh, excuse me for just one second?

Dr. Nefario: And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered.

[shoots a minion with the fart gun, making him pass out]

Gru: No, no, no. I said *dart* gun, not...

[grossed out]

Gru: Okay.

Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this?

Gru: [to Agnes] Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell. Let me smell.

[Takes a whiff]

Gru: You did *not*!

Edith: It was your cousin's idea!

Dave the Minion: *What*?

Gru: [to Miss Hattie] You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish?

Miss Hattie: Do I look like I speak Spanish?

Gru: You have a face... Como un burro.

Miss Hattie: Oh! Well, thank you!

Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it.

Fred McDade: Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go.

Gru: Unless they're dead.

[laughs]

Gru: I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.

Young Gru: Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon.

Gru's Mom: Eh.

Young Gru: Look, Mom, I made a prototype of a rocket out of macaroni.

Gru's Mom: Eh.

Young Gru: Look, Mom, I built a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype.

[Fires rocket]

Gru's Mom: [holds her breath in amazement for a moment] ... Eh.

Young Gru: Mom, someday, I'm going to go to the moon.

Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.

Edith: Can I drink this?

Dr. Nefario: Do you want to explode?

[Vector is playing with the shrink ray in his bathroom]

Vector: Boo-ya!

[fires the ray]

Vector: You got shrunk, tiny mouthwash!

[shrinks the sink]

Vector: Yeah! You done been shrunk!

[cell phone rings, he answers]

Vector: Y'ello? Oh yeah, I got the shrink ray...! What? No, I'm not... playing with it.

[repeated line]

Gru: Light bulb!

Vector: [after shrinking toilet] Look at you, a little tiny toilet, for little tiny people to...

[toilet breaks, spraying water on Vector]

Vector: Ah! Curse you, tiny toilet!

Miss Hattie: I'm here for the girls. I recieved a call that you wanted to return them. And also, I did purchase a Spanish dictionary.

[Hits Gru with dictionary]

Miss Hattie: I didn't like what you said.

Edith: Are these beds made out of bombs?

Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn.

Edith: Cool!

Agnes: I like him. He's nice.

Edith: He's scary.

Agnes: Like Santa.

Margo: Hello? Cookies for sale!

Gru: Go away, I'm not home!

Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you.

Gru: No, you didn't. This... is a recording.

Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't.

Gru: Yes, it is. Watch this. Leave a message. Beep!

[Edith kicks the door, causing Gru to scream in pain]

Agnes: Goodbye, recorded message.

Margo: [off-screen] Agnes, come on!

Mr. Perkins: You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?

Gru: Apparently.

Agnes: Aw. My caterpillar never turned into a butterfly.

Edith: That's a Cheeto.

Agnes: Oh.

[eats it]

Gru: Uh, question. What are these?

Dr. Nefario: A dozen boogie robots. Boogie! Look at this! Watch me.

Gru: Cookie robots! I said cookie robots! Ah, why... why are you so... old?

Agnes: Pinkie promise?

Gru: Oh yes, my pinkie promises.

Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story?

Gru: No.

Agnes: Pretty please?

Gru: The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.

Gru: [reading book] "Three little kittens love to play. They had fun in the sun all day. Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed'."

[looks up]

Gru: Wow, this is garbage. You actually like this?

Margo: You gave us back.

Gru: I know, I know, and it is the worst mistake I ever made.

Edith: Hey, that one looks like me.

Gru: What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.

Gru: Okay, bedtime.

[the girls groan in disappointment, followed by the minions]

Gru: [points to Stuart and Jerry, the minions] Not you two.

[Jerry and Stuart cheer]

Tourist Mom: [pulls on the boy's leash] Justin!

Tourist Dad: Look honey, take my picture, I have a pyramid in my hands.

Gru: [Answers cell phone] Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but...

Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid.

[Gru sighs]

Gru's Mom: That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful?

[laughs]

Gru: Just so know, Mom. I'm about to do something. It's very very big. Very important, when you hear about it, you're going to be very proud.

Gru's Mom: [Sarcastically laughs] Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here!

Dr. Nefario: [a minion drinks from a bottle, starts floating] We've been working on this for a while now. It's an Anti-gravity serum.

[the minion floats out an open skylight]

Dr. Nefario: I meant to close that. He'll be alright, I'm sure.

Gru: Do the effects wear off?

Dr. Nefario: [looking up at some minions floating on the roof] Uh... so far, no. No, they don't.

Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.

Carnival Barker: Well, you see that little spaceship there? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, Professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Aw. Uh-oh! Somebody's got a frowny face! Ooh. Better luck next time.

[Agnes's eyes well up with tears and she looks at Gru]

Gru: Okay... my turn.

[Gru takes out a plasma gun and fires it, destroying the stand and disintegrating the spaceship]

Gru: Knocked over!

Agnes: Why are you wearing your pajamas?

Vector: [sputters] These aren't pajamas! It's a warm-up suit.

Edith: What are you warming up for?

Vector: Stuff.

Margo: What sort of stuff?

Vector: Super-cool stuff you wouldn't understand.

Agnes: Like sleeping?

Vector: THEY ARE NOT PAJAMAS!

Gru: Kyle. These are not treats. These are guests!

[to the girls]

Gru: Girls, this is Kyle, my... dog.

[Kyle growls]

Agnes: Ooh, fluffy doggie!

[She runs toward Kyle, who whines and runs away; she groans in disappointment]

Margo: What kind of dog is that?

Gru: He's a... I don't know.

Gru: [Sees Edith near his iron maiden] No, no! Stay away from there! It's fragile!

[the iron maiden closes with Edith inside; a red liquid leaks from underneath; Margo and Agnes gasp]

Gru: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two.

Edith: [Inside the iron maiden] Hey! It's dark in here!

[Gru opens iron maiden; Edith is unharmed, but her juice box is punctured]

Edith: [Spits out a straw] It poked a hole in my juice box.

Gru: [after giving Vector the moon] Now the girls.

Vector: Actually, I'm holding on to them a little longer.

Gru: No!

Vector: Oh yeah! Unpredictable!

Margo: Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?

Edith, Agnes, Jerry the Minion, Stuart the Minion: OOOOHHHH, stuffed crust.

Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust!

[Agnes giggles]

Agnes: You're funny!

Gru: Just don't come out of that room again!

Mr. Perkins: Do you know where the shrink ray is?

Vector: Duh? Back at my place.

Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE IT!

[shows vector the computer shot of Gru with the shrink ray and the girls]

Vector: Oh. What? Th-those girls sold me cookies.

[repeated line]

Vector: Oh yeaaaaahhh!

Agnes: Oh, my gosh look at that fluffy unicorn!

[Agnes looks at the unicorn with awe]

Agnes: He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!

[as Gru tucks in the girls on their first night in his house]

Margo: Just so you know, you're never going to be my dad.

Gru: Hmm, I think I can live with that.

[on being told they are being adopted]

Margo: I bet the mom is beautiful!

Edith: I bet the daddy's eyes sparkle!

Agnes: I bet their house is made of gummy bears!

[off their looks]

Agnes: I'm just saying it'd be nice.

[after Vector refuses to hand over the girls]

Gru: Listen close, you little punk! When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!

Vector: [laughing sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared!

[Gru punches the video camera, making Vector jump and fumble to hold on to the shrunken moon]

Agnes: [smugly] He is gonna kick your butt.

Miss Hattie: Now, go clean something of mine.

[Margo, Edith and Agnes trudge out, passing the Box of Shame]

Margo, Edith, Agnes: Hi, Penny.

Penny: [from inside] Hi, guys.

[the girls discover the entrance to Gru's underground lair]

Edith: Whoa! That is cool! Come on!

Agnes: [to Margo] I don't think he's a dentist.

Gru: So, good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. Because there are literally thousands of them.

[whispering menacingly]

Gru: Oh, and there's probably something in your closet.

[He chuckles evilly and closes the door]

Margo: He's just kidding, Agnes.

[after Vector refuses to release the girls]

Gru: [leans into the camera] Listen close, you little punk. When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain!

Vector: [laughs sarcastically] Ooh, I'm really scared!

[Gru punches the camera lens, making Vector jump and fumble not to drop the moon]

Agnes: [smugly] He is gonna kick your butt.

[saying their prayers before bed]

Margo: And please watch over us, and bless that we'll have a good night's sleep.

Edith: And bless that while we're sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains!

Agnes: Ugh!

Margo: Great. Thanks for that image, Edith.

Agnes: And please bless that someone will adopt us soon, and that the mommy and daddy will be nice... and have a pet unicorn.

[Margo and Edith roll their eyes]

Agnes: Amen.

Margo, Edith: Amen.

Mr. Perkins: Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be? I give you the opportunity of a lifetime and you just blow it!

Vector: No... I didn't.

Mr. Perkins: Oh, really?

Vector: [opens his case] Yeah, just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon! Squid launcher! Oh, yeah!

[He launches a squid over the balcony]

Man: Ah! There's a squid on my face!

Vector: [chuckles and reloads] Don't worry. The moon is as good as ours.

[Inside the launcher, the second squid rolls its eyes]

[last lines]

Gru: [being led to the stage by Margo] No, no, no, no!

[first lines]

Tourist: Excuse me, sir, is there a commode?

Gru: Mom? What are you doing here?

Gru's Mom: [flipping through Gru's baby book with the girls] And here he is in the bathtub. Ah, look at his little buns!

Gru: [chagrinned] Mom... not cool.

Gru's Mom: And here, he's all dressed up in his Sunday best.

Margo: He looks like a girl.

Gru's Mom: Yes, he does. An ugly girl.

[last lines; as the girls reprise their ballet recital]

Gru: They're very good.

Gru's Mom: [elbows him] Ah, I'm so proud of you, son. You turned out to be a great parent. Just like me.

[Gru rolls his eyes]

Gru's Mom: Maybe even better.

[Gru smiles]