Desperately Seeking Susan Quotes

Cigarette Girl: Susan! My God, we all thought you were dead.

Susan: I was just in New Jersey.

Leslie: I can't believe the two of you are eating in the middle of a crisis like this.

Gary: We're nervous, what do you want...

Leslie: Then take a Valium like a normal person.

Leslie: It's not that uncommon. I was reading an article last week about a woman who would turn tricks in the city from nine until noon, then shop all afternoon before going home. She did it for years before her husband found out about it.

Gary: Roberta can't be a prostitute! She doesn't even like sex that much. It's impossible.

Leslie: Oh my God, I have heard that 4 out of 5 prostitutes are lesbians.

Gary: Leslie, I think that I would know if my wife was a lesbian!

Leslie: Why? You didn't know she was a prostitute.

Gary: Are you a lesbian? Leslie says that 9 out of 10 prostitutes are lesbians.

Roberta: Gary, you're not listening to me. I'm not a prostitute or a lesbian!

Gary: What are you wearing?

Roberta: A jacket. It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.

Gary: You bought a used jacket? What are we, poor?

Gary: Susan! What are you doing?

Susan: I've got good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?

Gary: You said you were going to leave!

Susan: Okay, good news first. Your wife isn't partners with the greaseball.

Gary: Susan, my wife has just been picked up on the Lower East Side escaping from her gun-toting pimp!

Susan: He's not a pimp.

Gary: He's not a pimp?

Leslie: Who's not a pimp?

Susan: The bad news is that he is probably going to try to kill her because he thinks she's me.

Roberta: Here it is, a message from Jim.

[Reading the Personal Ads]

Roberta: "Desperately Seeking Susan. Keep the faith. Tuesday. 10AM. Battery Park. Gangway 1. Love, Jim"

Leslie: Who's Jim?

Roberta: Oh, God. Tuesday, that's tomorrow.

Leslie: Who's Susan? You know these people?

Roberta: No. You see, Jim follows Susan all over the country. Last January she was in Mexico City, then Seattle. They send messages back and forth. That's how they hook up. And now they're in New York. Desperate. I love that word. It's so romantic.

Leslie: Everybody I know is desperate, except you.

Roberta: I'm desperate.

Leslie: You?

[laughs]

Roberta: Sort of.

Susan: She kept a diary. It's great stuff.

[Reading]

Susan: "Couldn't sleep. Went into kitchen. Gary came in, turned on light. Gary left. Finished birthday cake." Pages of it. It's got to be a cover, nobody's life could be this boring!

Gary: You shouldn't be reading that, it's private.

Susan: Yeah, well, it's not about her, it's about me. Listen to this.

[Reading]

Susan: "He's looking for Susan again. She's late returning from Mexico. This is the fifth ad he's run. Why does he want to see her so badly? Who is she?" And there's my picture. Gary, why didn't you tell me she read the Personals? I could have settled this yesterday.

Gary: She read them all the time. I didn't think...

Susan: Yeah, well, fortunately, for everybody, I'm here and I'm thinking.

Dez: The guy who grabbed you?

Roberta: See, he was after me, Dez. Well, not me exactly. He was after Susan, wherever she is, who I'm not! He thinks she's staying here, but she isn't because I am. See?

Jim: You were with this guy?

Susan: He was breathing when I left.

Susan: How's tricks?

Crystal: I'm ready to quit this dump, I really am. Ray won't let me wear my glasses on stage, then Ian gets pissed because I can't do any of the tricks, I mean I'm only legally blind. I could understand if I wanted to wear my glasses on my tits, but nobody in this dive is looking at my face anyway.

Dez: Jim said a friend of yours got killed outside your hotel... in Atlantic City. He was pretty worried.

Roberta: Killed? Dead?

Dez: Sort of goes with the territory, doesn't it, Susan?

Roberta: Maybe I know who did it. I wish I could remember.

Dez: Maybe you were the killer.

Roberta: [incredulously] No!

[scoffs, then thinks it over]

Roberta: I should probably lay low for a while, huh?

Dez: It might be a wise idea. So, you don't know who the guy at the quay was?

[she shakes her head]

Dez: Maybe a jilted lover?

Roberta: [waves idea away, takes another swig from bottle] I don't think so.

[reconsiders]

Roberta: Maybe he was.

Dez: You know somethin'? You are not at all what I expected.

[shakes head]

Roberta: [shakes head] You are not quite what I expected either.

Ray: [after curtain goes down] Nice try, kid. Here you go. 20 bucks. We'll see you tomorrow night at the same time.

Roberta: [surprised] You're hiring me?

Ray: Well, of course, we're hiring you.

Roberta: OK, that's great! Thank you!

Ray: [hands over the cage with the doves] You take these guys home, and you practice, all right?

[she accepts]

Ray: And, Susan... Practice a lot, OK?

Roberta: All right.

Ray: Good.

Roberta: Dez...

Dez: Hmm?

Roberta: I'm not Susan. I'm a housewife and I live in Fort Lee, New Jersey. I've been married for four years. My husband Gary... He sells bathroom spas and... saunas.

[smirks]

Dez: [scoffs] You never stop, do you?

Roberta: No, really. Really!

Dez: That's what I like about you. I never know what you'll say next. Come here.

[they kiss]

Roberta: Gary, you're not listening to me. I'm not a prostitute or a lesbian.

Gary: We'll get professional help. I don't care how much it costs. The important thing is, I want you to come home with me.

Roberta: Why?

Gary: Why? What do you mean, why?

Roberta: I mean, why do you want me to come home with you, Gary?

Gary: [holds up hands] Come on, don't get excited, all right? Don't get excited. What, are you on drugs or something now?

Roberta: God.

[covers her face with her hands]

Roberta: Look at me.

Gary: I looked at you. You look ridiculous.

Roberta: I mean, look at me, Gary. Look at me.

[when he does]

Roberta: I'm not coming home with you.

Gary: You're just tired.

[she smiles slightly and shakes her head]

Gary: Why don't you get changed and we'll talk about it at home, all right?

[holds out his hand]

Gary: Come on. Come on.

[she doesn't]

Gary: Fine. That's fine. I'm gonna go outside and I'll wait for five minutes. And if you're not there, I'm gonna leave without you.

Roberta: Goodbye, Gary.

Roberta: [reading Personal Ads] "Beautiful stranger. Red hair. Green jumpsuit. Walking dogs in Washington Square Park. Can't forget you. Give love a chance. Blackie" I hope she gives him a chance.

Leslie: Oh, Roberta, please! He must be some kind of a pervert! What do you think of this?

Roberta: He could be sincere.

Leslie: Nobody named Blackie is sincere.

Jim: Come on! Come to Buffalo. I'll find some trouble for you to get into. That'll cheer you up.

Susan: I've had enough trouble already.

Jim: No more dead bodies, okay?

Susan: I'll see what I can do.

Boutique Owner: I like the jacket.

Susan: It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix. Yeah, but, I bet he'd love it if I swapped it for the boots.

Boutique Owner: Deal.

Boutique Owner: Gorgeous, isn't it. It used to belong to Elvis Presley. Do you want to try it on?

[hands Roberta the jacket he just got from Susan]

Dez: I don't even know what she looks like.

Jim: Look, you can't miss her. She's incredibly pretty, blonde hair, medium height. Oh, and she's got this green and gold jacket with a pyramid with an eye on top like a dollar bill. You can't miss it!

Roberta: This is like a deja vu.

Dez: How can you have a deja vu if you don't remember anything?

Roberta: No, no. I mean, this is all deja vu.

Dez: So, this stuff does look familiar, right?

Roberta: Well, it's not completely unfamiliar.

Roberta: You know, when I close my eyes I see a pyramid.

Dez: A pyramid? Like on your jacket?

Roberta: Oh, yeah. It must be what it is.

Roberta: I need a drink. Do you want something to drink?

Roberta: All right. Whatever you have. Apple juice. Coke. Perrier.

Dez: Miller or a Heineken?

Gary: They seem to think she's having an affair.

Leslie: Oh, my God! Maybe she is.

Gary: That's ridiculous. Roberta is not having an affair! She's much too uptight.

Leslie: That is a horrible thing to say! I suppose you're proud of the way you're running around with Becky Shuman.

Gary: I didn't know you knew about Becky. Anyway, we're not running around! We're having a perfectly respectable affair.

Leslie: Does Roberta have orgasms? I mean, did she have orgasms with you?

Gary: What? Orgasms?

Leslie: You have heard of them, haven't you? I mean, maybe the reason she left you was because you weren't satisfying her?

Gary: Leslie! Not everybody is obsessed with orgasms!

Dez: Rule number one was no drama. Remember?

Roberta: Yes. I know. I'm sorry.

Susan: Come on, let's just get outta here.

Crystal: I have to do the mystery of the disappearing bluebird!

Susan: "How to Be Your Own Best Friend," "I'm OK, You're OK," "Dr. Ruth's Guide to Good Sex." These Roberta's too?

Gary: I didn't know she read this stuff.

Susan: You know, I could get used to a place like this. Got any pot?

Gary: Pot? Um - Usually I keep some around; but, right now I'm out. You know how it is.

Susan: [pulls a joint out of her boot] How about a match?

Gary: [takes a drag from a joint] You know, you know how all time comes from a single point in the universe? You know what I mean?

Susan: No.

Sgt. Taskal: Mr. Glass, somebody paid your wife's bail a little while ago and she was released. You just missed her.

Gary: Who paid her bail?

Sgt. Taskal: Boyfriend? Pimp? Who knows?

Gary: Pimp?

Newspaper Clerk: "Desperately Seeking Stranger Seeking Susan. Regarding Key. Meet me Saturday night, Magic Club, Broadway, 9:30 PM. Be there." Is that it?

Susan: She'll love it.

Cocktail Waitress: Let me guess.

[gives to Susan]

Cocktail Waitress: Triple Tequila Sunrise.

[to Gary]

Cocktail Waitress: Ginger Ale.

[to Larry Stillman DDS]

Cocktail Waitress: And you're the Scotch.

[to Leslie]

Cocktail Waitress: This must be yours. Rum and Tab.

Susan: I'm going to go look for the Stranger.

[exits]

Gary: What Stranger?

Larry Stillman D.D.S: God, she's gorgeous.

Leslie: Beauty fades.

Dez: That's not Susan. I've never even seen that girl before.

Jim: That's Susan! Do you think I should know?

Dez: What? That might be *a* Susan; but that's not *my* Susan.

Jim: It's my Susan!

Ray: Hey, is anyone out here from a--from Queens?

[a Magic Club audience member raises his hand]

Ray: You. Well, I'm from normal parents, myself.