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Harry Block: You're air-conditioned here?
The Devil: Sure! Fucks up the ozone layer.
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Harry Block: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
Doris: You have no values. Your whole life: it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm and orgasm.
Harry Block: You know, in France, I could run on that slogan and win.
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Harry Block: You know, I cannot understand why the most sophisticated of women can't tell the difference between a meaningless, hot, passionate sexual affair and a nice, solid, tranquil, routine marriage.
Joan: [breaking down] Tell me, Harry, just tell me something. Was she the only one, or were there others?
Harry Block: No, Amy Pollock was the only one, may God strike me dead if I am lying.
Joan: You're an atheist, Harry!
Harry Block: Wha-hey, we're alone in the universe, you're going to blame that on me, too?
Joan: [angrily tears papers from typewriter] Stop your tap-dancing...
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[Talking about life]
The Devil: It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
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Doris: It's tradition.
Harry Block: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
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Harry Block: Does the president think of fucking every woman he meets? Oh sorry, bad example.
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Harry Block: The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
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Harry Block: Between air conditioning and the Pope, I chose air conditioning.
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Harry Block: I'm a guy who can't function well in life but can in art.
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Harry Block: Six shrinks later, three wives down the line, and I still can't get my life together.
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Harry Block: The two most important things are the work that you choose and sex.
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Burt: Do you care even about the holocaust, or do you think it never happened?
Harry Block: Not only do I know that we lost 6 million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken
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The Devil: You ever fuck a blind girl?
Harry Block: No. That I never did.
The Devil: Oh, they're so grateful.
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Joan: So now you're blaming me because I don't go out with you enough, to meet strangers to FUCK!
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Lucy: You take everyone's suffering and turn it into gold, LITERARY GOLD!
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Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law Bert] I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
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Harry: Cookie, do you know what a black hole is?
Cookie: Sure, that's how I make my livin'!
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Cookie: How come you got all this money?
Harry Block: I always keep hooker money around, you know, 'cause I once paid by check years ago and the I.R.S. killed me.
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Doris: [carping on Harry] He's betting everything on physics and pussy.
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Harry Block: Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing. Waitressing's gotta be the worst fucking job in the world.
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Harry Block: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
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Harry: The ironic thing is that the school that kicked me out is honoring me soon.
Shrink: Why did they kick you out?
Harry: Because I wasn't interested in college. I wanted to be a writer and that's all I cared about. Also, I tried to give the Dean's wife an enema. They didn't take kindly to that.
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Harry Block: Look, I was merely explaining to you why my choice of necessity is confined to your practice.
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Grandma: [Unaware that Leslie is fellating Ken because she is blind] Boy, you must really love onions!
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Harry Block: Between air-conditioning and the Pope, I'll take air-conditioning.
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Harry Block: [after sex] Cookie, you're a definite artist. They should put your lips in the Smithsonian.
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Fay: You love baseball.
Harry Block: Baseball's easy because it has rules. It has foul lines.
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Larry: [to Fay] I'm single, available, with the soul of a black man.
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Harry Block: Cookie is the nanny.
Doris: The nanny! Where did you get her, from an agency or a massage parlor?
Harry Block: Oh jesus! She's a sweet kid, what are you picking on?
Doris: Ah, still with the sex pots, the tramps, the vilda chayes.
Harry Block: Ah, she's got a PhD, this girl.
Doris: Really? I don't know how she did on her written, but I'm sure she got an A plus on her oral exam.
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Harry: [to a suffering damned soul in Hell] What did you do?
Damned Man: I invented aluminum siding.
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Harry's Father: I'm a Jew. I don't believe in Heaven.
Harry Block: Where do you want to go?
Harry's Father: A Chinese restaurant.
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Harry Block: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
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Harry Block: Can I be honored and then arrested?
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Harry Block: [to his brother-in-law] I don't think you're a paranoid. I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that everybody likes you!
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Harry Block: This guy is too old for her.
Richard: He's younger than you are.
Harry Block: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.
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Doris: You're a self-hating jew.
Harry Block: Hey, I may hate myself but not 'cause I'm jewish.
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Dolly: Wolf Fishbein said, in order to hide the bodies, you ate them!
Max: So, what are you making a fuss? Some bury, some burn, I ate!
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Ken: You can't bullshit me like your shrink, he only knows what you tell him.
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Harry's Sister: You never forgave him because you thought he was a bad father.
Harry Block: He was!
Harry's Sister: Thanks for stopping by...
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Lucy: You schmuck, you bastard. I'd like to cut your fuckin' head off.
Harry Block: You're upset, right?
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[Therapist Joan is trying to counsel Mr. Farber but has just learned that her husband, Harry, has had an affair with a patient of hers]
Mr. Farber: I've been - I've been losing sleep at night. I can't shut my eyes at night. I - I think I should quit my job. But I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe because my brother-in-law treats me kindly. But - but working for him is taking its toll on me emotionally.
Joan: Could you excuse me, Mr. Farber?
[gets up and leaves the room]
Mr. Farber: What?
Joan: [from offscreen] You fuck-dumb fuck! I can't believe you fucking did this! You fucking asshole. You fucked my patient? Harry, you don't fuck somebody's patient. Fuck you!
[she returns]
Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.
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[Mr. Farber is lying on a patient's couch waiting for his therapist, Joan, to return from dressing down her husband, Harry, for having an affair]
Joan: [from offscreen] I want you to get your shit. And I want you to get your goddamn clothes, and I want you to get the fuck outta here. You are the most fucking irresponsible person I've ever seen in my entire life! Get out!
[she returns]
Joan: Continue, Mr. Farber.
Mr. Farber: [very uncomfortable] D-Doctor...
Joan: [not bothering to leave the room this time] And I mean tonight, motherfucker!
Mr. Farber: [bursts into tears]
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Harry Block: And then, after their child was born, she became what he called "Jewish with a Vengeance".
Deconstructing Harry Quotes
Extended Reading
