Date Night Quotes

Phil Foster: I say, we sit back and relax and enjoy a spread of their finest fruits of the sea.

[opens menu]

Phil Foster: Or, I will just suck on a napkin. Holy mama, look at these prices.

Claire Foster: [scroffs] If we are gonna pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid!

[end credits outtake]

Claire Foster: Now you get up there and work that pole like a Russian immigrant.

[Phil tries to fire Holbrooke's gun, but it explodes in his hand]

Phil Foster: This gun *sucks*!

Brad Sullivan: I thought everything was fine, really. But you know what? We are stuck in these roles together and we can't break out of them, you know? It's like that Asian dude in "Sixteen Candles", Long Dik Dog.

Phil Foster: Long Duk Dong.

Brad Sullivan: Long Duk Dong. That dude!

Claire Foster: What are we going to do? We can't go home, we can't go to the police...

Phil Foster: Okay, okay, okay. Miletto, he wants the Tripplehorns, why? Because they have the flash drive. All right, what if they gave him the flash drive back?

Claire Foster: Why would they do that?

Phil Foster: Because we're going to find them and we're going to *make* them do it. Once Miletto has the flash drive, this thing ends.

Claire Foster: Okay, I like that. I am completely with you. I just have to ask you one question, and do not judge me. What is a flash drive?

Phil Foster: Seriously?

Claire Foster: Phil, I can't...

Phil Foster: Okay, it's a little storage disk that you stick in the side of a laptop.

Claire Foster: Oh, it's a computer sticky thing? That's... in my office, we call it a computer sticky thing.

Phil Foster: [after seeing all of Holbrooke's security technology] Wow! Where'd you get all this stuff?

Holbrooke: Radio Shack.

Phil Foster: Seriously?

Holbrooke: [laughing] No, Phil, not seriously!

[to Claire]

Holbrooke: What's wrong with him?

Phil Foster: [imitating Holbrooke in a raspy voice, talking to the dirty cops through the intercom] Hey. Hey, yo, yo. I'll be down in a minute. I'm having sex. I'm getting busy.

Holbrooke: Is that supposed to be me? Or is that, like, Fat Albert or somebody?

Wendy: You have no idea, what it is like to be a teenage girl having your first period under Taliban rule.

Phil Foster: That is true.

[in low voice]

Phil Foster: And neither do you. Mmm, but...

[Brad enters the living room]

Brad Sullivan: Hey, Phil, can I get a hand... oh... out in the room.

Phil Foster: [interrupting] Yes, yes, yes, yes please, yes, thankyou. Okay. Excuse me ladies.

[leaves the living room]

Phil Foster: Oh my god!

Claire Foster: [to Wendy] You have your period now?

Wendy: Yeah.

Phil Foster: But you guys are happy!

Brad Sullivan: No, Phil, we're not.

Phil Foster: No, no. No, you guys are *really* happy!

Brad Sullivan: No, Phil, we're really not.

Haley Sullivan: And I wanna get it on with three guys at the same time, 'cause I can!

Claire Foster: Three guys at once? That's a nightmare. That is literally a recurring stress dream that I have. I can only think of jobs for two. Oh, no, I got it.

Haley Sullivan: Yeah, there's that one.

Operator: Do you accept a collect call from...

Claire Foster: ''Oh my god, this phone smells like urine!''

Katy: Yes, yes. I accept.

Haley Sullivan: And he knows that if I have five glasses of wine, I'm gonna try to make out with a black guy.

Claire Foster: You're still doing that, huh?

Haley Sullivan: Yes!

Phil Foster: Just in case, I'm gonna give you 5$, even though I know it's a scam. And I only have 20, so I'm gonna give that to you, even though it should be a 5. Scam.

Claire Foster: They had no idea who they were dealing with.

Phil Foster: We were in here earlier having dinner with our friend Sam.I.Am.

Claw Hostess: You mean Will.I.Am?

Claire Foster: Is that what you call him? That's weird, I don't like that.

Phil Foster: Hey, zip your face!

Taste: Zip my face? Are you serious?

Whippit: Yeah, he said "zip your face"

Taste: That's your best line? That's your best tough guy line?

Phil Foster: You heard me. Zip your face.

Taste: Why don't you just zip your vagina, Raymond Burr!

Phil Foster: I have no idea how to respond to that! F you!

Taste: F me? F you!

Phil Foster: F YOU!

Taste: F YOU, MAN! What are you doing here?

Phil Foster: F YOU, mother-effer!

Claire Foster: If I'm gonna get whacked off, I at least deserve to understand why it's happening... What are you smiling about?

Phil Foster: Honey, we're not going to get whacked off. We may get bumped off, or we may get whacked.

Phil Foster: Honey, listen to me. You are a beautiful, strong woman. You are the mother of my children. Now, I want you to go in there and pop that coochie.

Claire Foster: Pop the coochie.

Phil Foster: Just pop it out.

Claire Foster: So we can go home.

Phil Foster: Let's go pop it. Come on.

Claire Foster: For the kids.

[having an argument with Whippit]

Taste: Oh, this is going to be about what a loser I am. How I can't do anything right! I buy the wrong soda, the wrong beer, the wrong nipple clamps!

Whippit: THOSE CLAMPS HURT ME!

Taste: You don't even look at me. I have to beg you to have sex with me, like it's a gift. And forget about the anal. FORGET ABOUT THE ANAL!

Phil Foster: Ohhhh, kay.

Taste: Forget about it!

Claire Foster: Oh, it's forgotten.

Armstrong: [as he's getting arrested] I'm a cop!

Police Officer: Not anymore, you're not!

Detective Arroyo: Mr. Miletto, Mr. District Attorney, you two are under arrest for conspiracy, obstruction of justice, racketeering,

[to Crenshaw]

Detective Arroyo: I'm pretty sure prostitution, and a few other goodies I'll find on this.

Detective Arroyo: [to the cops] Get them out of here!

Detective Arroyo: [to Collins and Armstrong, with extreme sarcasm] Thank you *so much* for all your help.

Detective Arroyo: [to the other cops] Dispose of this trash!

[first lines]

Oliver Foster: [early morning] Dad? Mom? Can I have breakfast?

Phil Foster: Honey, don't move.

Charlotte Foster: [running in] Mommy! Daddy! Pile driver!

[jumps on mom]

Charlotte Foster: I love you!

Claire Foster: How do you have so many knees?

Phil Foster: What'd you learn in school today?

Oliver Foster, Charlotte Foster: Nothing.

Phil Foster: Oh, fantastic. Won't have to pay for college.

Armstrong: I will give you three seconds to give us back the flash drive.!

Claire Foster: What, okay, the three seconds game? Sorry, sir. But, you know, I play this every day with my kids.

Phil Foster: She invented that thing.

Claire Foster: That's not scary.

Armstrong: [pulls a gun] One...

Claire Foster: This is a different version!

Phil Foster: [running holding a boat over their heads] We are going to die!

Claire Foster: I don't want the kids to live with your mother!

Phil Foster: What?

Claire Foster: She's awful!

Holbrooke: [about Natanya] I met her in Tel Aviv, doing some consulting for the Mossad. She is a sweet girl.

Phil Foster: She seems really sweet. That was very nice of her to ask us to have sex.

Whippit: I'm Whippit.

Claire Foster: Whippit, like the dog?

Whippit: No. Like when you suck nitrous out of a whipped cream can.

Claire Foster: Okay. Okay.

Whippit: Stupid skank.

Claire Foster: Oh, my God. Do you have any contact with your mother at all?

Claire Foster: I love you Phil, but your plans are the worst!

Cabbie: Look here, you two need to get your married-people-stuff together when my life is not at stake, okay?

Phil Foster: No, no, no, no, no. I can't do this.

Claire Foster: Yeah, you can. Because you are a beautiful and amazing man, and the father of my children, and you are gonna get in there and work that pole like a runaway.

Detective Arroyo: So what's your story?

Claire Foster: Just a boring married couple from New Jersey.

[last lines]

Phil Foster: I'd do it again you know?

Claire Foster: What, tonight? No, it was very dangerous.

Phil Foster: No, not tonight. Us. You, me, the kids, all of it. I'd do it again. I'd choose you every time.

[Claire is freaking out]

Phil Foster: Claire, look at me. Look at me! I've got this. I have got this! Count to three.

Claire Foster: What?

Phil Foster: Just count 'em down.

Claire Foster: No, that doesn't work with grown-ups. That doesn't work with people with guns.

Phil Foster: Trust me.

[Claire turns to Miletto and Crenshaw and their goons]

Claire Foster: All right! I have had enough! My kids are gonna have me up in 90 minutes, so this shit ends now. I'm gonna count to three, and every one of you boys is gonna put down your guns!

Armstrong: Is she serious?

Claire Foster: One!

DA Frank Crenshaw: I think she's serious.

Claire Foster: Two!

Joe Miletto: She's kidding, right?

Claire Foster: Three!

[Holbrooke introduces Natanya to Phil and Claire]

Holbrooke: Phil, Claire, this is Natanya. She's lsraeli. She doesn't speak much English.

Natanya: [to Phil and Claire] You two make sex with us?

[embarrassed, Phil and Claire burst out laughing]

Claire Foster: [laughing] Ho, no, thank you. Thank you, no.

Phil Foster: [laughing] No, no.

Holbrooke: [to Natanya, in Hebrew] Tachzeri lamita, motek sheli. Ani techef magia.

[=Go back to bed, honey. I'll be right there]

Natanya: [smiles] OK.

[Phil and Claire continue laughing]

Natanya: [to Holbrooke, in Hebrew] Ani smecha she'anachnu lo holchim la'asot itam sex. Hem kol kach... zkenim ve... halashim.

[=I'm glad we are not going to have sex with them. They are so... old and... weak]

Natanya: [Natanya and Holbrooke laugh. Phil and Claire join them in laughing, since they do not understand what Natanya said about them. Natanya waves goodbye and leaves]