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Abe: I'm moving out.
Phyllis: Where are you gonna go?
Abe: Away. As far away as possible.
Phyllis: Do you need any money?
Abe: I have savings, I don't need anyone's help. I mean, like, mom, I'm...
Phyllis: Remember, I'm always here for you.
[she kisses him and starts to leave the room]
Abe: Mom?
Phyllis: Yes, honey?
Abe: Actually, you know, you never did pay up for my Backgammon winnings.
Phyllis: Oh. Well, I'll write you a check in the morning.
Abe: $845 as of October 4th.
Phyllis: You're always so good with dates and numbers. Hey, you wanna play a quick round, just for fun?
Abe: First, the check.
Phyllis: Can I pay you in installments?
-
Abe: Miranda, I know this might take you by surprise, I mean, like, totally wild and crazy, I know. I'm just a dark horse at heart, but I always just tell myself "Abe, go for it!"
Miranda: Uh-huh.
Abe: Miranda, I wanna marry you. Will you accept? Don't say anything. Just think about it. I know. It's totally crazy. I know. I just wanted to put it out there, let you know how I feel, but let's just push that aside for now. You wanna go to the movies, do to the mall or somethin', pick up some tacos?
-
Abe: We're all horrible people. Humanity's a fucking cesspool. People look in the mirror every fucking day and lie to themselves, saying they're good or caring or loving, but deep down - not so deep down - they only care about themselves. People... People treat you like shit, every fucking day, and then they act like other people are shit... so they get a pet that's all cute and cuddly, but even an animal knows the hard, primal truth: It is all about what you want; and, if there's any kindness or generosity, it only comes after being well-fed, or having good sex, or knowing that you weren't wiped out like all the other suckers on Wall Street.
-
Abe: What're you gonna do? Fire me?
Jackie: I can't fire you. You quit.
-
Abe: Can you believe my father? I mean, like, I didn't even do anything, and yet, somehow, it's all... always all my fault.
Marie: Well, family and business is always a tricky combination.
Abe: Everything would be fine if he wasn't such a fucking asshole. You see the way he talks to me.
-
Abe: You know, if it wasn't for my dad, I could've been a singer.
-
Miranda: I want to want you.
Abe: That's enough for me.
-
Miranda: [reconsidering her rejection of Abe's marriage proposal] I should stop trying to slit my wrists, give up on a literary career, give up on hope, ambition, success, independence, self-respect. I should just get married and have children.
-
Miranda: [having just been kissed by Abe] Oh, my god. That wasn't horrible. Things could've been so much worse.
-
Abe: You are so different here from the way you are at the office.
Marie: I'm not on payroll here.
-
Abe: I'm not a kid.
Marie: I know. Next thing you know, you'll be fifty and your life will be over, and you'll still be living at home.
Abe: You know, it costs a lot of money to move out. I'm not rich!
Marie: You're a cheapskate and a freeloader. Face it.
Abe: There're my parents! They need me!
Marie: No. Grow up. No one needs you.
-
Arnie: Well, you say you like the dark horse, then you throw a fit when they don't come through.
-
Abe: I was supposed to be the dark horse.
-
Abe: I can't help it if I was a screamer!
Richard: And I can't help it if I was easy!
-
Marie: Justin's a good kid.
Abe: He's a fuckin' moron!
Marie: Maybe, but he does what he's told. People like him.
Abe: What are you saying? You on my dad's side or something?
Marie: I like Justin. He's easy on the eyes.
-
Abe: [at the toy store customer service counter] I'm looking for my financeé.
Jiminy: I'm sorry. We don't carry any fianceés here.
Abe: But I know she's here.
Jiminy: Maybe you'd like to try one of our other outlets?
Abe: Look, I just told you she's here! Do I have to talk to the store manager?
Jiminy: Sorry. He's out for lunch, but he'll be back in a few minutes, if you'd like to wait.
Abe: No, I would not like to wait. I paid for a financeé and I want her now!
Jiminy: Maybe you'd like to flip through our catalogue. We could special order for you, if you'd like, but I'm afraid, once a purchase has been opened, it can't be returned - store policy.
Abe: But I have a receipt.
-
Mahmoud: Abe, I know that life has been unfair to you because it has given you every possible advantage, so your feelings of inadequacy are endless and unrelenting.
-
Mahmoud: Poor thing. You really don't get it, do you?
Abe: Get what?
Mahmoud: Everyone has a receipt, and it never adds up.
-
Abe: My mother said that she thinks you're... pregnant. Is it true?
Miranda: You know your mom.
Abe: I know. That's why I'm asking, because, if it's true, if you're carrying my baby, it's gonna be okay.
Miranda: Don't worry. I'm not.
-
Abe: [showing Miranda his room, which is full of action figures, toys and posters of Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings and Thundercats] Don't worry, I am not a Trekkie or anything super-nerdy like that.
-
Abe: I can't take any more of this crap! You always blame me for everything! Well, fuck you, I quit!
Jackie: Fine! Then you can pack up and move out of the house while you're at it!
Abe: You can program the TiVo yourself!
-
Phyllis: Maybe you should go back into therapy.
Abe: Psychiatrists are idiots! The whole profession is a joke! I know my problems better than anyone and there's no solution.
Phyllis: Dr. Sonnenschein...
Abe: Dr. Sonnenschein's the biggest fucking idiot of them all!
Phyllis: He helped your father and me. He helped us with our marriage. Remember, we almost got a divorce.
Abe: You should have gotten divorced.
Dark Horse Quotes
Extended Reading
