Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Quotes

[last lines]

Chuck Barris: I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.

Chuck (Age 8): Hey Tuvia, you want to lick it?

Tuvia (Age 8): No, why would I want to do that?

Chuck (Age 8): It tastes like strawberries, my sister says you love strawberries.

Tuvia (Age 8): No it doesn't. Besides I don't like strawberries.

Chuck (Age 8): I bet you a dollar it does.

Chuck Barris: Hi folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. Okay?

Peter Jenks: I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a ten thousand dollar fine. Or both! Anyone making a sick or subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I then will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby, just you and me. No witnesses.

Chuck Barris: Okay have fun everybody... alright...

Instructor Jenks: There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand, against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation and death.

[demonstrates on a volunteer, then realizes what he's done]

Instructor Jenks: Shit! I need another volunteer!

[after Byrd tells Chuck to kill the unknown "mole"]

Chuck Barris: Hey, I got an idea. If you aren't so bad... why don't you do it? Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?

Jim Byrd: I just don't fit the profile.

Chuck Barris: What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.

Jim Byrd: Okay, there's no profile.

Chuck Barris: There's no profile.

Jim Byrd: Okay. Let's see. Well, you had a twin sister, stillborn, strangled by your umbilical cord. Your first hit, Chuck. Your mother always wanted a daughter. She blamed you for your sister's death. And, so, until your sister Phoebe was born, she raised you as a girl. Oh, and your father the dentist? Not really your father. Your biological father was a man named Edmund James Windsor. A serial killer. A fact your mother didn't know when she had an affair with him in 1930. If you want to look him up, he was also known as the Tarrytown Troll, because he had been described by witnesses as short and ugly. Windsor died in the electrical chair at Ossining in 1939. We believed your self-loathing tendencies coupled with that extra Y chromosome and whatever else you inherited from your father would serve us well. I'm trying to think what more I can tell you, but you have me at a disadvantage here, Barris. I don't have your files in front of me.

[first lines]

Dick Clark: I wouldn't want to live his life because he hasn't been happy all of his life. All I think is if you can find work, stay healthy, find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them.

Chuck Barris: [hands over an envelope, presumably with money] Don't worry, we're not gonna cheat you

Unseen man in dark alley: Oh just the same

Chuck Barris: [shoots the unseen man] Oh, sorry 'bout your teeth

[shoots him again]

Simon Oliver: You are a bloody amateur.

Chuck Barris: You're a faggot.

Jim Byrd: Chuck.

Simon Oliver: Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm?

Chuck Barris: Yeah, I got it.

Simon Oliver: Let's have it, then.

Chuck Barris: It's up my ass, Oliver, why don't you reach on up there and get it?

Jim Byrd: He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.

Chuck Barris: Bad for the US, right, Jim? Not bad in the absolute sense. Just bad for the US.

Jim Byrd: Don't fuckin' dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea & Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me... You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We let you in on everything. You don't play. You don't leave. You understand that? You don't play... You don't leave.

Penny: Do you want me around or not? Do you even like me?

Chuck Barris: Of course I like you! Penny...

Penny: How much?

Chuck Barris: What?

Penny: I need to know how much you like me.

Chuck Barris: I know what that means! How much? How could I read a person in that way?

Penny: You could if you felt it. If you felt it, it would be easy. You would

[sighs dreamingly]

Penny: just spread your arms as wide as they would go and say: "This much, Penny."

Chuck Barris: Everything... everything is complicated. Nothing is black and white like that.

Penny: [cries] Do you want me around or not? 'Cause if you don't it's okay, just tell me.

Chuck Barris: Hey, hey...

[kisses her]

Chuck Barris: I love you, Penny. In my way. Maybe not that crazy head-over-heels-thing, but what is that anyway? Romantic love, isn't that just an illusion?

Penny: [stops crying] You just said you love me, right?

Penny: What are you?

Chuck Barris: Jew.

Penny: Oh, I had one of those once. But he was separatist. He was Ashka Nazi.

Chuck Barris: Ashkenazi.

Penny: Right, Ashka Nazi. I haven't had one of those yet.

Chuck Barris: You're a romantic.

[Chuck Barris has just gotten the idea for "The Gong Show"]

Chuck Barris: We've been going about this all wrong. Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts... we just put on bad ones and kill them!

Casting Executive Man: Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them... this is torture.

Chuck Barris: No, no, no. We kill them before they're through. As soon as it gets unbearable... we kill 'em... dead!

Chuck Barris: I've got important things to think about here. I don't have time to fuck around with you.

Jim Byrd: Okay, I'll help you out with your little show. Tit for tat. That's the kinda guy I am. I've seen this Dating Game of yours, Chuck. And I have a thought.

Chuck Barris: What, now you're a television producer?

Jim Byrd: Hey, I'm John Q. Public when it comes to TV and that should make my opinion of interest to you.

Chuck Barris: [nods] Let's hear it then.

Jim Byrd: Well, what do you have now? The couple gets sent to some stupid second-rate Hollywood shitcan restaurant, right? Sets you back fifty bucks? That's not too exciting a prize to us vicarious living boobs out in TV-land.

Chuck Barris: Yeah, what's your point?

Jim Byrd: Up the stakes, Chuckles. Send 'em to some exotic locale. Europe, Southeast Asia, for example.

Chuck Barris: The network's not going to let me send two unmarried kids on vacation together.

Jim Byrd: Send 'em with a chaperone.

Chuck Barris: [beat] You know... that's not half bad.

Jim Byrd: I'm telling ya. And sometimes you can be the chaperone, Chuckie. Let's say we have a job for you in Austria. You, a successful TV producer, above suspicion, chaperones the young couple, and while you're there, you take care of some Company business. It's the perfect cover. TV producer by day, CIA operative by night.

Chuck Barris: I told you, I don't have to kill people for money anymore.

Jim Byrd: Chuck, when I said you fit our profile, very little of that had to do with you needing the money. Some of it, but very little. You liked it with Renda, Chuck. I saw it in your eyes. You liked it but you botched it. Don't you want to get really good at something, Chuck?

[Chuck meets a Pretty Woman at a party swimming in the pool and goes to talk with her in a secluded grotto]

Pretty Woman: [speaking seductively] Hi.

Chuck Barris: Hi.

Pretty Woman: I thought it was you.

Chuck Barris: [smiles and bows] It's me.

Pretty Woman: [still speaking seductively] I'm glad to meet you because I wanted to tell you that I've seen The Gong Show and I think you are the most insidious and despicable force in entertainment today.

Chuck Barris: [caught off-guard] Well...

Pretty Woman: [still speaking seductively] How dare you subject the rest of the world to your loathsome view of humanity.

Chuck Barris: I don't think it's that loathsome.

Pretty Woman: [still speaking seductively] What is it then? To mock some poor, lonely people who just crave a little attention in their lives. To destroy them. So everybody's not brilliantly talented. They're still people. They deserve respect and compassion. I mean, who the hell are you? What the fuck have you ever done that elevates you above the pathetic masses? Oh, I forgot, you created The Dating Game. Wow, right up there with the Sistine Chapel.

[Under duress, Chuck leaves]

Chuck Barris: My name is Charles Prescott Barris. I have written pop songs, I have been a television producer. I am responsible for polluting the airwaves with mindnumbing, puerile entertainment. In addition, I have murdered thirty-three human beings.

[types on a typewriter: I am damned to hell]

Chuck Barris: [Chuck is hosting "The Gong Show", hamming it up to the crowd] Ladies and gentlemen, this act... Ah. Oh, this is so good! I love this, man. This next act answers the age-old question!

[claps once]

Chuck Barris: If you wear a cellophane... if you...

[messes up the line]

Chuck Barris: Whoosh! OK.

[audience laughs]

Chuck Barris: If you wear... ha ha... a cellophane suit... can people clearly see you're nuts? I don't know. A little humor, folks.