Clue Quotes

Mr. Green: Well, where is he?

[Miss Scarlet screams as the freezer door opens and Wadsworth falls out. Mr. Green catches Wadsworth, then drops him disgustedly]

Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?

Miss Scarlet: Ah!

[laughs]

Mrs. White: Why is that funny?

Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.

Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.

Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

Mrs. White: I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was

[points to head]

Mrs. White: a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?

Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

[rolls eyes]

Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?

Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!

Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?

Mrs. White: He was a scientist, nuclear physics.

Miss Scarlet: What was he like?

Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.

[Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]

Mrs. White: I had been out all evening at the movies.

Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?

Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!

Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Mrs. White: [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie] Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.

Mr. Green: Me too.

Colonel Mustard: And me.

Miss Scarlet: Not me.

Wadsworth: [surprised] You're *not* being blackmailed?

Miss Scarlet: Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

Mr. Green: What did you do?

Miss Scarlet: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady, for a short while.

Professor Plum: Oh yeah?

[pulls out pen and a pad of paper]

Professor Plum: What's the phone number?

Wadsworth: You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man.

Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?

[Colonel Mustard slaps Mr. Green, who turns to get slapped by Wadsworth]

Colonel Mustard: Is this place for you?

Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.

Colonel Mustard: What exactly do you do?

Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.

Colonel Mustard: Which means what?

Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.

Cop: [listening to caller on phone] Ah, would you hold on, please?

[Walks over to locked door, rattling the knob and banging on door]

Cop: Let me outta here! Let me outta here! You have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty... and MURDER!

Wadsworth: [Wadsworth opens the door, feigning innocence, while other guests gather around] What do you mean... murder?

Cop: I just said it so you would open the door.

[other guests laugh]

Cop: What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?

Wadsworth: J. Edgar Hoover?

Cop: That's right! The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation!

Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?

Wadsworth: I don't know, he's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?

Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something.

Wadsworth: It's the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.

Mrs. Peacock: Uh, is there a little girl's room in the hall?

Yvette: Oui oui, Madame.

[points]

Mrs. Peacock: No, I just wanna powder my nose.

Wadsworth: [nasally] No.

All: [imitating him] No?

Wadsworth: No.

Colonel Mustard: [gesturing to another place setting at the dinner table] So, is this for our host?

Wadsworth: No, sir, for the seventh guest, Mr Boddy.

Mrs. White: I thought Mr. Boddy was our host.

All: So did I.

Mrs. White: So, who is our host Mr. Wadsworth?

[Wadsworth only smiles in response]

Professor Plum: And what was your role in all this?

Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were

[on the verge of tears]

Wadsworth: Socialists.

[all gasp, Mrs. Peacock is the loudest]

Wadsworth: [starts to cry] Well, we all make mistakes.

[Mrs. White approaches Wadsworth and hands him a handkerchief]

Wadsworth: But, Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves. Well, to make a long story short...

Colonel Mustard: Too late.

Mr. Green: [gets up in front of everyone] I have something to say. I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me. I work for the State Department, and I'm a homosexual.

[pause]

Mr. Green: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this, but I must keep it a secret, or I will lose my job on security grounds.

[pause]

Mr. Green: Thank you.

Yvette: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?

Professor Plum: I will!

Colonel Mustard: I will!

Mr. Green: No, thank you.

Mrs. Peacock: So, what do you do in Washington D.C., Mr. Green? Come on! What do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves.

Miss Scarlet: Perhaps he doesn't wanna get acquainted with you.

Mrs. Peacock: Well, I'm sure I don't know. But if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.

Professor Plum: Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?

Mrs. Peacock: Yes-What? No! Why?

Professor Plum: Well, it just seems to me that you are. You seem to suffer from what we call "Pressure of Speech".

Miss Scarlet: "We"? Who's we? Are you a shrink?

Professor Plum: I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes.

Wadsworth: I can explain everything.

Cop: You don't have to.

Wadsworth: I don't?

Cop: Don't worry, there's nothing illegal about any of this.

Wadsworth: Are you sure?

Cop: Of course, this is America.

Wadsworth: I see.

Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that?

Wadsworth: I didn't know it was *that* free.

Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?

Mr. Green: Nothing.

Mrs. Peacock: Well who's there?

Colonel Mustard: Nobody.

Mrs. Peacock: What do you mean?

Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.

Mrs. White: Maybe he wasn't dead.

Professor Plum: He was!

Mrs. White: We should've made sure.

Mrs. Peacock: How?

[muttering]

Mrs. Peacock: By cutting his head off, I suppose.

Mrs. White: That was uncalled for!

Mr. Green: You're Mr. Boddy!

[Wadsworth laughs evilly]

Professor Plum: Wait a minute. So who did I kill?

Wadsworth: My butler.

Professor Plum: Oh, shucks.

Wadsworth: He was expendable like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.

The Motorist: Where is it?

Wadsworth: What? The body?

The Motorist: The phone. What body?

Wadsworth: There's no body. Nobody. There's-there's nobody in the study.

Cop: Uh, can I come in and use your phone?

Wadsworth: Of course you may, sir! You may use the one in the, um... no. Uh, you could use the one in the stud... no. Uh, uh, would you be kind enough to wait in the, um, in-in the, um, uh library?

Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."

Professor Plum: Die?

Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

Colonel Mustard: Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?

[offers her a tray]

Miss Scarlet: [takes food off the tray] Sure, I'll eat anything.

Miss Scarlet: Maybe there is life after death.

Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!

Wadsworth: You *were* jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!

Mrs. White: Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...

[stammers]

Mrs. White: it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...

Professor Plum: [after learning who killed Mr. Boddy, the motorist, the cook, the cop, and Yvette] So it must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!

Mr. Green: I didn't do it!

Colonel Mustard: Well, there's nobody else left.

Mr. Green: But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!

Wadsworth: [extracts his gun] I shot her.

Wadsworth: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common: you're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford, and in some cases more than you can afford, to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you. Do you?

Mrs. Peacock: [nervously smoking] Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book. I've never done anything wrong.

Wadsworth: [short pause] Anybody else wish to deny it?

Miss Scarlet: I enjoy getting presents from strange men.

[opens the present]

Miss Scarlet: A candlestick? What's this for?

Colonel Mustard: We've already established that you were one of Miss Scarlet's clients. That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives. Photographs of you and Yvette in flagrante delicto, remember?

Colonel Mustard: Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother, the shock would've killed her!

Mrs. White: Oh, that would've been quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.

[to Wadsworth]

Mrs. White: So, he had the motive.

Wadsworth: You *all* had a motive.

Mr. Green: [yelling] Will you stop that?

Wadsworth: No.

Mrs. White: Oh, you're a doctor?

Professor Plum: I am, but I don't practice.

Miss Scarlet: Practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Peacock?

[from trailer]

Colonel Mustard: Why are you screaming?

Mr. Green: Because I'm frightened!

Colonel Mustard: Of what?

Mr. Green: Screaming!

[first lines]

Wadsworth: Is everything ready?

Yvette: Oui, Monsieur.

Wadsworth: You have your, um, instructions.

Wadsworth: Is everything all right, Mrs. Ho?

Mrs. Ho: Dinner will be ready at 7:30.

Wadsworth: Do come in, Madam. You are expected.

Mrs. White: Do you know who I am?

Wadsworth: Only that you are to be known as Mrs. White.

Mrs. White: Yes. It said so in the letter. But why?

Miss Scarlet: It should be just off there.

Professor Plum: That must be it!

Miss Scarlet: [they see their destination as lightning splits the sky over Hill House, giving it an ominous cast. The car engine stops] Why has the car stopped?

Professor Plum: It's frightened.

Mrs. White: You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?

Mrs. Peacock: Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a... Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though, heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.

Colonel Mustard: Don't you?

Mr. Green: I know who you are.

Miss Scarlet: Aren't you gonna tell us?

Mrs. Peacock: How do you know who I am?

Mr. Green: I work in Washington, too.

Professor Plum: Washington? So you're a politician's wife?

Mrs. Peacock: Yes, I-I am.

Colonel Mustard: Well, come on then, who's your husband?

Mr. Green: [dropped a spoon, spilling soup onto Miss Scarlet] I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little bit accident-prone.

[starts to wipe soup off Miss Scarlet]

Miss Scarlet: [raises her hands, making him stop] Ah, watch it!

Mrs. Peacock: This is one of my favorite recipes.

Wadsworth: I know, Madam.

Professor Plum: [next to Miss Scarlet in the rain, with backs to the door] What a godforsaken place!

[gropes her backside; she tries to brush his hand off]

Wadsworth: [opens door suddenly and sees this] Professor Plum, and Miss Scarlet, I didn't realize you were acquainted.

Miss Scarlet: We weren't.

Professor Plum: [pointing to Mrs. Peacock's drink] Maybe he was poisoned!

[Mrs. Peacock immediately drops her glass full of brandy and starts screaming]

Mr. Green: [trying to get her to the couch] Mrs. Peacock, please. Mrs. Peacock, it's alright. It's alright. We don't know anything. Sit-sit down, sit down, Mrs.-

[slaps her; everybody stares]

Mr. Green: Well, I had to stop her from screaming!

Colonel Mustard: This is war, Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that.

Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!

Wadsworth: And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.

Mr. Green: Is that what we ate?

[makes a retching sound]

Wadsworth: The key is gone!

Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door!

[smacks Mr.Green on the shoulder]

Mr. Green: [grabs Professor Plum by the collar, throttling him] I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!

[releasing Plum, Mr. Green rattles doorknob]

Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!

Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet: [on other side of locked door] LET US OUT! LET US OUT!

Wadsworth: You recognized Yvette, didn't you? Don't deny it!

Mrs. White: What do you mean, "Don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything!

Wadsworth: Another denial!

Mrs. White: Thhbbtt!

[sticks her tongue out at Wadsworth]

Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?

Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?

Wadsworth: I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.

Colonel Mustard: Why?

Wadsworth: I'm the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy.

Mrs. White: How did you get in?

Mr. Green: The door was locked!

Mrs. White: It's a great trick!

[last lines]

Mr. Green: They all did it. But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the hall. With the revolver. Okay, Chief, take 'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Mr. Green: Who would wanna kill the cook?

Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.

Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?

Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.

Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.

Miss Scarlet: Oh?

[Everyone looks at Colonel Mustard]

Colonel Mustard: I said, "if". *If*!

Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.

Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.

Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?

Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?

Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?

Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?

Colonel Mustard: Yours.

Mrs. White: Five.

Colonel Mustard: Five?

Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.

Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.

Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.

Colonel Mustard: Right!

Mrs. White: [after Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth] Are you a cop?

Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.

Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

Mr. Green: Very funny. FBI. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.

[opens the door]

Mr. Green: Told you I didn't do it!

Professor Plum: Is there gonna be a cover up?

Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?

Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after a multiple murder?

Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?

Mr. Green: Now there's one thing I don't understand.

Professor Plum: *One* thing?

Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?

Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.

Colonel Mustard: How did you know that?

Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?

Colonel Mustard: Yes...

Wadsworth: So can I.

Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.

Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.

Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!

Mr. Boddy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. Now.

[turns out the light]

Mr. Boddy: You lockin' me in? I'll take the key.

Wadsworth: Over my dead body, sir.

[Mr. Boddy has disappeared after being killed]

Mr. Green: He couldn't have been dead.

Professor Plum: He was. At least I thought he was, but what difference does it make now?

Miss Scarlet: Makes quite a difference to him.

Mr. Green: I didn't do it!

Mr. Green: Well, one of us did. We all had an opportunity. We all had a motive.

Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.

Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?

Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.

Miss Scarlet: That's not six.

Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.

Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.

Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.

Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!

Wadsworth: At the start of the evening, Yvette was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne. I was in the hall.

[beat]

Wadsworth: I know because I was there.

[doorbell rings during 'events of the evening']

Mrs. Peacock: Oh, who ever it is, they gotta go away or they'll be killed.

The singing Telegram girl: [Doorbell rings, the door is opened to reveal a singing Telegram girl] Da da da da da da! I, am, your singing telegram...!

[Unseen figure shoots her, she falls to the ground, and the front door is slammed shut]

Mrs. White: [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!

[Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash]

Miss Scarlet: Yeah!

Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?

Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!

Colonel Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

Mrs. Peacock: [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!

All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

[Making fun of Mr. Green]

Wadsworth: Well, I had to stop her screaming.

Wadsworth: Miss Scarlet seized the opportunity, and under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop whom she'd been bribing on the head with the lead pipe. True or false?

Miss Scarlet: [impressed] True! Who are you, Perry Mason?

Mrs. Peacock: [fanning herself] Oh, my God.

Wadsworth: She's going to faint.

Professor Plum: Somebody catch her!

[Wadsworth goes behind Mrs. Peacock and encircles her with his arms]

Wadsworth: I'll catch you. Fall into my arms.

[Mrs. Peacock falls straight through Wadsworth's arms and onto the floor]

Wadsworth: Sorry.

[Wadsworth has just greeted Mr. Green at the door]

Wadsworth: [to the dogs] Sit!

[Mr. Green quickly and nervously sits down on a bench]

Wadsworth: No, not you, sir.

[Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth]

Wadsworth: Good shot, Green!

[he slowly slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm]

Wadsworth: And *very* good.

[he dies]

The Chief: Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?

Mrs. Peacock: What?

The Chief: Repent. The kingdom of heaven is at hand.

Miss Scarlet: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.

The Chief: Armageddon is almost upon us.

Professor Plum: I got news for you - it's already here.

Mrs. Peacock: Go away.

The Chief: But your souls are in danger.

Mrs. Peacock: Our lives are in danger, you beatnik.

Wadsworth: [referring to Mr. Boddy] Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice?

Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary.

Colonel Mustard: Well, it's what we call "overkill."

Professor Plum: It's what we call "psychotic."

Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...

Miss Scarlet, Mrs. White, Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mr. Green, Colonel Mustard: Too late!

Mrs. Peacock: So, what does your husband do?

Mrs. White: [quickly] Nothing!

Mrs. Peacock: Nothing?

Mrs. White: Well, he just lies around on his back all day.

Miss Scarlet: Sounds like hard work to me.

Colonel Mustard: What room's this?

Miss Scarlet: Search me.

Colonel Mustard: All right.

[he starts to frisk her]

Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me.

Wadsworth: Three murders?

Mr. Green: Six altogether.

Wadsworth: This is getting serious.

[Wadsworth reveals a secret passage from the study to the kitchen]

Colonel Mustard: How did you know?

Wadsworth: This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along.

Mr. Green: So you could be the murderer.

Wadsworth: Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?

[a scream is heard in the locked billiard room]

Professor Plum: It must be the murderer.

Mr. Green: Why would *he* scream?

[Plum and White are looking at the photographic negatives]

Mrs. White: Oh my! Nobody can get into THAT position.

Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.

[lays her down on the couch and gets on top of her]

Mrs. White: Get off me!

[Cop sniffs the motorist, who is dead]

Cop: This man's drunk. Dead drunk.

Miss Scarlet: Dead right!

Cop: [to the motorist] You're not gonna drive home, are you?

Professor Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!

Miss Scarlet: No.

Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?

Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll- we'll- we'll get him a car!

Professor Plum: A long black car!

Miss Scarlet: [lightly jabbing him in the stomach] A limousine!

Wadsworth: [trying to find Mrs. White in the dark after hearing her scream] I'm coming! I'm just trying to find the door. Coming.

[finds what seems to be a doorknob]

Wadsworth: What's this? Another door?

[turns "doorknob", gets blasted with water from a shower]

Professor Plum: [after everyone introduces themselves] Well, that just leaves Mr. Boddy.

Miss Scarlet: What's your little secret?

Wadsworth: His secret? Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing you.

Cop: What's going on in those two rooms?

Mr. Green: Uhh... which two rooms?

Cop: *Those* two rooms.

Mr. Green: Ohhh, those two rooms.

Cop: Yes.

Mr. Green: Ahh... well. Officer! I don't think you should go in there.

Cop: Why not?

Mr. Green: Uhh... Because it's all too shocking!

Miss Scarlet: I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N. Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death and the deaths of five other people.

Professor Plum: You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N., I might go up in their estimation.

Mr. Green: [to Miss Scarlet] So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?

Colonel Mustard: Certainly not!

Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.

Colonel Mustard: [to Miss Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true.

Miss Scarlet: It's not true.

Professor Plum: [to Miss Scarlet] Is that true?

Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.

Mr. Green: Ah ha! So it is true!

Wadsworth: A double negative!

Colonel Mustard: A double negative?

[whispering]

Colonel Mustard: You mean you have photographs?

Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

Colonel Mustard: [angry, to Wadsworth] Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.

Colonel Mustard: That's right!

Miss Scarlet: [looks in an envelope] What's this, Wadsworth?

Wadsworth: I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Mustard earlier referred.

Colonel Mustard: Oh my God!

Miss Scarlet: Were you planning to blackmail him, Wadsworth?

Wadsworth: Certainly not! I detained them for the colonel and I was going to give them back as soon as Mr. Boddy was unmasked.

Miss Scarlet: Mm, very pretty! Would you like to see these, Yvette, they might shock you.

Yvette: No, merci. I am a lady.

Miss Scarlet: Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?

Professor Plum: What sort of pictures are they?

Colonel Mustard: They are *my* pictures and I'd like them back, please!

Miss Scarlet: No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me, too.

Professor Plum: Let me see.

Mrs. White: [gasps] Oh no, nobody can get into that position.

Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.

[tries to do the position]

Mrs. White: Get off me!

Professor Plum: Well, I'm gonna start while it's still hot.

Mrs. Peacock: Oh, now, shouldn't we wait for the other guest?

Yvette: I will keep something warm for him.

Miss Scarlet: What did you have in mind, dear?

Wadsworth: [shouting] That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out *who* killed him, and *where*, and with *what*!

Professor Plum: There's no need to shout!

Wadsworth: [shouting louder] I'm not shouting!

[Guests stare at him pointedly]

Wadsworth: [shouting] All right, I am! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout...

[candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]

Wadsworth: Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.

Mrs. Peacock: You mean... oh my God, of course!

Wadsworth: Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you.

Mr. Green: You're a bit late for that! I hate it when he does that.

Mrs. White: Ahhh!

Yvette: Go on. I'll be right behind you.

Mr. Green: That's why I'm nervous.

Miss Scarlet: Why?

Wadsworth: To create confusion.

Mrs. Peacock: It worked!

Mrs. White: You've got blood on your hands.

Mr. Green: I DIDN'T DO IT!

Colonel Mustard: Just checking.

Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?

Colonel Mustard: Yep. Two corpses. Everything's fine.

Mrs. White: [referring to negatives of Colonel Mustard's private photos] Nobody can get into that position.

Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you.

[attempts the sexual position with Mrs. White]

Mrs. White: Get off me!

Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?

Wadsworth: Um... no.

Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?

Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."

Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?

Wadsworth: No.

Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?

Wadsworth: Yes.

Mrs. White: [shatters glass] PLEASE!

Colonel Mustard: [both insistent] Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!

Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.

Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?

Wadsworth: Either! Or both.

Colonel Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!

Wadsworth: Certainly!

[clears throat]

Wadsworth: What was the question?

Colonel Mustard: [shouting] Is there anybody else in this house?

All: [shouting] No!

Miss Scarlet: What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have?

Colonel Mustard: He was my driver during the war.

Wadsworth: And what was he holding over you?

Colonel Mustard: He knew that I was a war profiteer. I stole essential Air Force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer!

Mrs. Peacock: Well, a lot of our airmen died, because their radios didn't work.

Mrs. White: So what do you do, Professor?

Professor Plum: I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.

Colonel Mustard: Another politician. Jesus!

Professor Plum: No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.

Wadsworth: Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.

Miss Scarlet: Great. We'll all go to the chair.

Wadsworth: ...and we all revealed that you had a letter and you had a letter and you had a letter and...

All: Get on with it!

Wadsworth: Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth and Mr. Boddy will be behind bars.

[Mr. Boddy starts out of the room]

Wadsworth: Where are you going this time?

Mr. Boddy: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?

[Mr. Boddy walks into the hall, grabs the bag, returns and places the bag on the table, opening it]

Mr. Boddy: Who can guess what's in here? Huh?

Miss Scarlet: The evidence against us, no doubt.

Mrs. White: We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us?

Mr. Boddy: Oh, yes.

Mrs. White: What were you told, precisely?

Mr. Boddy: Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little financial arrangements, and if I did not appear, Wadsworth would be informing the police about it all. Naturally, I could hardly resist putting in an appearance.

[Mr. Boddy walks away from the group, towards the drink table]

Mr. Boddy: Excuse me. Open them.

Miss Scarlet: Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men.

Professor Plum: [Mr. Boddy is apparently dead after Mrs. Peacock has turned the lights back on. Professor Plum is knelt down to check if Mr. Boddy is alive] Stand back! Give him air! Let me see.

[Professor Plum checks for a pulse or any sign of breathing]

Professor Plum: He's dead!

Mrs. White: Who had the gun?

Professor Plum: I did.

Mrs. Peacock: Then you shot him.

Professor Plum: I didn't!

Mrs. Peacock: Well, you had the gun; if you didn't shoot him, who did?

Professor Plum: [Professor Plum flips Mr. Boddy over] Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off.

[Professor Plum points to the wall]

Professor Plum: Look, the bullet broke that vase on the mantle.

Colonel Mustard: [the group begins rushing to the spot where the bullet hit and Colonel Mustard bumps into Professor Plum] I'm sorry, excuse me. He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall, see that?

Mr. Green: [In a demanding tone] How did he die?

Professor Plum: [In an aggravated tone] I don't know! I'm not a forensic expert.

Wadsworth: When I said that I was Mr. Boddy's butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once his butler. But it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end.

Colonel Mustard: When did it come to an end?

Wadsworth: When my wife decided to end her life. She, too, was being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us. He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly un-American.

Mr. Green: [the table which Mr. Green is leaning against breaks, causing a great crashing sound]

[Awkwardly]

Mr. Green: Sorry.

Wadsworth: For some reason, he felt it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife; for a doctor to take advantage of his patients; for a wife to emasculate her husband; and, and... so forth.

Mr. Green: But, this is ridiculous; if he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?

Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use, and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?

Professor Plum: And what was your role in all of this?

Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least, my wife was. She had friends who were

[pause, beginning to cry]

Wadsworth: socialists.

[the guests react, Mrs. Peacock loudly gasping]

Wadsworth: Well,

[pausing]

Wadsworth: we all make mistakes.

[Mrs. White comforts him with her handkerchief]

Wadsworth: But Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused. And so he blackmailed her. We had no money. And the price of his silence was that we work for him for nothing. We were slaves.

Wadsworth: [Walking about the room, collecting all of the weapons] Look, we still have all of these weapons. The gun, the rope, the wrench, the lead pipe. Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it.

[Picking up the weapons and locking them in the cupboard]

Wadsworth: There's a homicidal maniac about.

[Everyone agrees. Wadsworth puts the key in his pocket]

Mr. Green: What are you doing with the key?

Wadsworth: Putting it in my pocket.

Mr. Green: Why?

Wadsworth: Well, to keep it safe, obviously.

Mrs. Peacock: That means you can open it whenever you want.

Wadsworth: But it also means that you can't.

Mrs. Peacock: Well, what if you're the murderer?

Wadsworth: I'm not.

Colonel Mustard: But what if you are?

Wadsworth: Well, it's got to be put somewhere. If I've got it, I know I'm safe.

Mrs. Peacock: [Expressively; Mrs. Peacock is waving her hand rapidly back and forth, lightly hitting Mrs. White's chest accidentally. Mrs. White reacts with a startled look] We don't know that we are!

[Mrs. Peacock's leaf hat falls off as she gets frustrated with it]

Wadsworth: I've an idea. We'll throw it away.

Colonel Mustard: Good idea!

Mr. Green: Good idea!

Yvette: Wonderful!

Miss Scarlet: Brilliant!

Professor Plum: That'll do it!

Wadsworth: [Wadsworth has just returned inside after throwing the key to the cupboard away] Well, what now?

Mrs. White: Wadsworth, let me out.

Wadsworth: No.

Mrs. White: Why not?

Wadsworth: We've gotta know who did it. We're all in this together now.

Mrs. Peacock: If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.

Miss Scarlet: Me too.

Mr. Green: Me too.

Colonel Mustard: Me too.

Mrs. White: [Suddenly becoming mysteriously flirtatious] Oh, Wadsworth, I'll make you sorry you ever started this.

[She grabs hold of Wadsworth's tie, rubbing his chest]

Mrs. White: One day, when we're alone together...

Wadsworth: Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.

Mrs. White: [Letting go of Wadsworth] Oh.

Colonel Mustard: [Pouring a glass of whiskey for himself] Anyone else want a whiskey?

Miss Scarlet: Yeah.

Colonel Mustard: [Mumbling] Alright, I'll just...

[Unsteadily pours whiskey between three glasses, heavily spilling it on the table in the process]

Wadsworth: I suggest we all draw lots for partners.

[Grabs eight long matchsticks. He cuts them into differently sized pairs, turns away from the others, shuffles them, then turns back]

Wadsworth: Ready? The two shortest together, the next two shortest together; agreed? And I suggest the shortest search the cellar and so on up.

[the others each grab a matchstick. Colonel Mustard is paired with Miss Scarlet, to which she reacts with disgust. Mrs. White is paired with Wadsworth. Mr. Green is paired with Yvette. Professor Plum is paired with Mrs. Peacock]

Professor Plum: It's you and me, honey bunch.

Whispering Voice: [Yvette has entered the billiard room, which is dark because of the power being out] Shut the door. Did anyone recognize you?

Yvette: [Suddenly not speaking in a French accent] They must have, and not just my face. They know every inch of my body. And they're not the only ones.

[the rope suddenly is flung around Yvette's neck, choking her. She gasps]

Yvette: It's you!

Mr. Green: and you'll just, just go on blackmailing us all?

Wadsworth: Of course. Why not?

Mr. Green: Well, I'll tell you why not.

[Green pulls out a gun and shoots him]

Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.

Wadsworth: Your work has not changed, but you don't practice medicine at the U.N.; his license to practice has been lifted, correct?

Miss Scarlet: Why? What did he do?

Wadsworth: You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients?

Miss Scarlet: Yeah?

Wadsworth: Well, he did.

Miss Scarlet: Ha!

Mrs. Peacock: Oh, how disgusting!

Wadsworth: Let's consider each murder one by one. Professor Plum, you knew that Mr. Boddy was still alive. Even psychiatrists can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead. You fired the gun in the dark and missed. So, you pretended he was dead, that's how you were able to kill him later, unobserved.

Miss Scarlet: That's right! He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!

Mr. Green: But he was with us in the Billiard Room when we found Yvette screaming. If that's when the cook was killed, how did he do it?

Professor Plum: I didn't!

Mrs. Peacock: Oh, you don't expect us to believe that, do you?

Wadsworth: [to Mrs. Peacock] I expect *you* to believe it. *You* killed the cook. She used to be your cook, and she informed on you to Mr. Boddy. You made one fatal mistake.

[Leading everyone back to the Dining Room]

Wadsworth: Sitting here, at dinner, Mrs. Peacock told us she was eating one of her favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.

[Leads the group to the front door]

Wadsworth: Colonel Mustard, when we saw the motorist at the front door, you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then, you suggested that we all split up. You separated from Ms. Scarlet, crossed the hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the Conservatory, entered the Lounge through the secret passage, and killed the motorist with a blow on the head, like *that*!

[Wadsworth takes Mrs. White by the hand from the Conservatory and up the stairs]

Mrs. White: This is incredible!

Wadsworth: Not so incredible as what happened next! After we had all split up again, I went upstairs with you-yes, *you* Mrs. White-and while I was in the Master Bedroom, you hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the cupboard, and throttled Yvette. You were jealous that your husband was shtupping Yvette, that's why you killed him, too!

Mr. Boddy: In your hands you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door. Huh? Which he said would only be opened over his dead body.

[laughs]

Mr. Boddy: I suggest we take him up on that offer.

[closes study door]

Mr. Boddy: The only way to avoid finding yourself on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth, NOW.

[Turns off lights]

Wadsworth: Are you making moral judgements, Mrs. Peacock? How, then, do you justify taking bribes - in return for delivering your husband Senator Peacock's vote to certain lobbyists?

Mrs. Peacock: My husband is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that!

Wadsworth: Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room, how would you describe that transaction?

Miss Scarlet: I'd say it stinks.

Mrs. Peacock: Well, how would you know. When were you in that men's room?

Professor Plum: But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Mustard visiting a house of ill fame.

[puts his hand on Scarlet's leg]

Professor Plum: Most soldiers do, don't they?

Miss Scarlet: Oh, please.

Mr. Green: You're a communist!

Miss Scarlet: No, Mr. Green. Communism is just a red herring. Like all members of the oldest profession, I'm a capitalist.