Tom: You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Tom: Clean up on aisle 12.
Hank: Twelve kids... that's nuts.
Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?

Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?

Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

Kate: Whoo!
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.

Sarah Baker: Yes!

Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.

Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!

[yells]

Tom: [yells]
Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.

Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
Tom: I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.
Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?

Kate: Oh no. We have 12.

Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.
Kate: Look alive.
Lorraine: Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?
Kate: My book's getting published.

Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?

Kate: You've never said that.

Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.

Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?

Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?

Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.

Charlie: Then I'm good.
Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...

Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?

Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
[With his football players]

Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
Mark: Have you seen Beans dad?

Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.

Mark: It's Mark.

Tom: I knew that.
Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates.

Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.
[Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank]

Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.

Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.

Mike: You do now!

[Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand]

Cooper: My latte!
Nora: Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family.

Hank: They set me on fire.

Nora: Just your pants.
Lorraine: Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
Nora: I've searched everywhere. Nothing.

Tom: Where's Hank?

Nora: He's not going to make the cut.

Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame.

Nora: [smiles] They're totally to blame.

[hug]
Lorraine: [walks into kitchen] I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.

Tom: Three.

Lorraine: Done.

Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.
Shake: [to another person while Kate is in the room] Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.

Kate: The Wife's name is "Kate", Shake.
Sarah Baker: Great. In Midland we were a Family. Now were a support system?

Lorraine Baker: A Family is a Support System, Butch
Jake: Want to play catch with the football I got you?

Dylan Shenk: My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time.

Jake: Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.
Tom: [phoning a "nanny" service] Hello my name is Tom Baker and I am interested in hiring a domestic helper.

[responding to question on phone]

Tom: I have twelve kids.

[person on phone says something]

Tom: Actually I am serious.

Tom: [next call] Just twelve

Tom: [next call] There's only two, oh plus ten.

Tom: [next call] How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.

Tom: [next call] Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.

Tom: [next call] Uh, a dozen.

Tom: [next call] Just, just twelve.

Tom: [last call] Hello, I'll just hang up by myself.
Lorraine: Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas.

Henry Baker: He died on Easter, Barbie!

Jessica Baker: He was resurrected on Easter, moron.
Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?

Mike: First dad forces us to move

Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe

Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!

Mark: And he hates kids too.
Tom: She says she will help us out if they can stay in the same room.

Kate: No. No way. No, she knows the rules.

[Talking to the kids]

Kate: She wants to have her own room when she's here isn't that sweet,

[to Tom]

Kate: no.
Tom: They're like kittens.
Hank: So, you guys popping another one anytime soon?

[Tom and Kate looking shocked]

Hank: Curiosity!
Kate Baker: Like you said, twelve's a big number...
Sarah Baker: [hits the bathroom door with her lacrosse stick before Tom pulls her away] You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess!

Lorraine: [sighs] You blew my concentration.

[smiles happily]

Lorraine: Now i get to start all over again. Ha.
Hank: [motions to his face] This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.
Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!

Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
Sarah Baker: Release the hound!
Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,

[looks real serious]

Jake: eleven.
[phone rings and Mike gets it]

Mike: Hello?... Whos this?...

[hands the phone to his mom]

Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'.
Jessica Baker: Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!
Hank: [with passion] Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks...

Nora: [talking on the phone] It totally sucks!
Kate: You need a paramedic?

Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.
Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.
Kate: [seeing Nora making out with Hank on the couch in front of the family] Nora, sweetie, want to help me in the kitchen?

[after Nora doesn't respond, she claps]

Kate: NORA, STOP!

[Nora breaks away from Hank]

Kate: Yeah, uh huh.

Kate: Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of Grandma, say the rosary. Come on, kids. Here we go. Everybody out.
Kate: [referring to Hank] He's not a doorknob.

Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.

Kate: Yeah that's weird.
Jessica Baker: [about Mark] Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Kim Baker: Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?
Mike: [shouts] Heads up!

[Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face]

Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.

Tom: [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it]

Mike: Got it.

Mike: [shouts] Game on!
Mike: We're gonna move!

[Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute]

Mike: Ahhhh!
Tom: [picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce] Ah... Pasta de la croch.
Kate: Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.
Jessica Baker: Dad, can I kill Jake now?

Tom: No, finish washing the car first!
Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.

Tom: [huddled in the closet] Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.

[an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet]

Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.

Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.

Tom: bye.

[hangs up]

Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!

Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!
Tom: [when Kate leaves] Little Vampires, my plan worked. She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!

[kids stare blankly]

Tom: C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.

[kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away]
[last lines]

Kate: [voiceover] I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.

Sarah Baker: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?

Mark: Stop calling me that!
Tom: Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.

Nigel Baker: Yeah, the hot dog.

[Tom gives him a look]

Nigel Baker: Mom said it first.

Shake: We're having adult time here, boys.

Kyle Baker: No idea what that means.

Tom: Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.

Kyle Baker: Sounds wicked boring.

Shake: It is. So why don't you run along?

Kyle Baker: Mom's right. He is a weiner.
Sarah Baker: Classic.
Tom: [while they're hanging from the chandelier] So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?
Tom: [after him and Dylan and the chandelier have crashed to the floor] You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here... l really hated that chandelier.
Tom: *All right. Enough is Enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting in school*. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded*

Mike: What's grounded?

Tom: What's grounded? I'll tell you what ground it is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it.

Sarah Baker: But that

Tom: Oh yes Sarah, I know that sucks, but that's the way it is!

Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

Tom: That's exactly what it means.

Kim Baker: But we brought his presents already.

Tom: *You are going to miss it

[Kids are quiet]

Tom: Now, go to bed.
Reporter: Child care or football?
Tom Baker: [while on the phone with Kate, a dart hits the ground in front of his shoes] What did I say about throwing darts?
Lorraine Baker: Up 'til now I've been, like, mellow about this whole having-it-all lifestyle that you and Mom are currently into. A, because Sarah has the drama queen role totally covered, and B, because I have benefited from your salary spike in various shallow but nonetheless pleasing ways.