Central Intelligence Quotes

Trevor: Once a fat kid, always a fat kid. Huh? Prove me wrong.

Calvin Joyner: Bob, come on. Do what you did in the bar.

[Bob sees his reflection as he was in high school]

Calvin Joyner: Which car are we taking?

Bob Stone: [chucks a grenade under an SUV] Not that one.

Calvin Joyner: [walking away quickly] Oh, my God... Oh, God.

[the grenade goes off]

Calvin Joyner: Oh shit!

[Calvin attempts a flip and falls flat on his face]

Phil: What the hell was that?

Calvin Joyner: Golden Jet flip.

Phil: Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.

Calvin Joyner: I know.

Phil: Then why'd you do it?

Calvin Joyner: Distraction.

[Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat]

Maggie: And what's the matter with being an accountant? You love your job.

Calvin Joyner: No, *you* love your job. I'm good at my job. It's not the same thing.

Maggie: Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.

Calvin Joyner: What do, what do you mean, "Someone"? What do you mean?

Maggie: See someone, like a, like a therapist.

Calvin Joyner: Uh, Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.

Calvin Joyner: Hey, wait. Whatever happened to that girl that you liked in high school? Oh, God, man. The Doogie Howser girl. She was, like, fourteen, but somehow she was a senior. She wore a cape.

Bob Stone: Darla McGuckian.

Calvin Joyner: Darla McGuckian. "Yucky Gucky." Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?

Bob Stone: Two of 'em.

Calvin Joyner: Let's go.

Bob Stone: Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.

Thugged Out: Hey, how about this? Why don't you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?

Calvin Joyner: That's, that's a lot...

Bob Stone: Yeah. You're right, CJ. That's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.

Calvin Joyner: Are you familiar with Facebook?

Agent Pamela Harris: We surveil it.

Calvin Joyner: He sent me a friend request. That, that, that's how this whole thing started.

Agent Pamela Harris: And you accepted?

Calvin Joyner: Oh, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that to me. Don't do that. You give me a second. Okay? Don't, don't, don't fire back like that. Fir-fir-first of all, fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it's rude when you don't accept it and I don't know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That's why I accepted.

Calvin Joyner: [seated between two angry CIA agents] I'm-I'm gonna, I'm gonna address the elephant in the room. Okay, fir-first of all, you... You guys, I want to say sorry to. Because wha-wha-what you're probably thinking is not what happened. Accidents! I know you're like, "How can you accidentally pistol-whip somebody and shoot somebody?" Well, it can happen. Okay? Today is proof that it can happen. So... I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.

Agent Pamela Harris: Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.

Calvin Joyner: Okay, thank you.

Agent Pamela Harris: Trust me, I know a scared-shitless civilian when I see one.

Trevor: [about Bob] Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.

Calvin Joyner: You know, you're still an asshole.

Trevor: Yeah, well, you're still shorter than my cat.

Bob Stone: You ever steal a plane before?

Calvin Joyner: I stole some Starbursts one time.

Bob Stone: Phil, when this thing's over, I'm going to rip your throat out like Patrick Swayze in Road House.

Phil: Oh, my God. You and Road House. Get over that movie. It sucked then, it sucks now. Fuck Patrick Swayzwe!

Bob Stone: How dare you.

Agent Pamela Harris: Mr. Joyner, it was a pleasure working with you. If you ever want a career change, you give me a call.

Calvin Joyner: If I were to give you a call, how would I get in touch with you?

Agent Pamela Harris: Just pick up any phone in your house. They're all bugged.

Bob Stone: Wow, Jet! You look amazing!

Calvin Joyner: You think?

Bob Stone: Oh, what? Yes!

Calvin Joyner: I just didn't know the kind of look to go for on my first day at the Agency.

Bob Stone: You look like a black Will Smith, or something!

[from end of movie bloopers]

Calvin Joyner: Are you not a super tool? You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht. You're Bob Stone!

Bob Stone: Shh! I made that name up.

Calvin Joyner: So what?

Bob Stone: It's not real.

Calvin Joyner: What does that mean? What, you think Mr. T, and Sting, and The Rock... You think those guys are real? That's a bunch of dumbass nicknames by a bunch of dumbass people.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.

Calvin Joyner: I understand that but I have an organ in this cooler right now that needs to be transported ASAP.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.

Calvin Joyner: Well, I hate to break it to you, but this, this is not a, uh... This is not a heart.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Oh, it's not a heart?

Calvin Joyner: No, it's not.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Hmm. What is it then?

Calvin Joyner: It's a dick.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Okay. I am made of questions right now.

Bob Stone: No, you're just sexy as dick right now.

Calvin Joyner: You don't look somebody in the eyes and say that.

[first lines]

Trevor - 17 Years Old: Man, I told you Robbie Wheirdicht showers here during first period.

[last lines]

Calvin Joyner: Bob, is that my jacket? I can't...

Bob Stone: Yes!

Calvin Joyner: No, wait a minute.

Bob Stone: Yes!

Calvin Joyner: Oh, my God! Dude, where'd you get this from?

Bob Stone: Well, I sleep in it most nights, but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!

Calvin Joyner: Man! You are the man! Yes!

Bob Stone: Family hug! What?

Calvin Joyner: Ooh. Okay.

Bob Stone: All right, let's go!

Calvin Joyner: Okay. All right.

Waitress: Hey guys, my name is Lexi. Just let me know if you need anything.

Calvin Joyner: Ok.

Waitress: And I mean, like, anything at all.

Bob Stone: Okie dokie.

[Lexie laughs]

Waitress: You're funny! Do you ever like Snap Chat?

Calvin Joyner: Oh no, we don't...

Waitress: [Lexie interrupts Calvin]

Waitress: I wasn't talking to you.

Bob Stone: No, no, no. No, I don't do that. I'm just catching up with an old friend from high school.

Waitress: Aw! You're so sweet!

Waitress: I think unicorns are sexy too.

Bob Stone: Can I take you to get ice cream?

Darla: Yes!

Darla: [Whispering] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Darla: Super lactose intolerance, but that's ok. Lets roll the dice!