Bruce Almighty Quotes

Bruce: [first lines; over black; as "Man"] Ally, can we get a recap?

Ally Loman: You remember the Kowolskis. They're owned the shop for 30 years, and they are attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie. And... you have to wear this.

Bruce: [as "Man"] A hair net?

Ally Loman: Health department.

Bruce: [as "Man"] You're kidding me.

Ally Loman: If you're around the cookie, you have to have it on. It's the law.

Bruce: [as "Man"] I just did the hair. The hair is perfect. All right, give it to me.

Bruce: [cut in to Kowolski's Bakery in Buffalo; The Man, reporting for the Buffalo TV station, rises up with the hair net on his head] God, why do you hate me?

Bruce: [footage shows Buffalo's Largest Cookie arriving outside Kowolski's Bakery; The Bakers help measure the cookie; as "Reporter"] The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelnick. If this beats Galdys', it will prove once and for all that the Kowolskis have much more free time. And the cookie is... 10 feet, 4 inches.

Bruce: [Everyone cheers] We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

[Short montage: Set to the Theme of "Chariots of Fire", everyone enjoys portions of the cookie and free milk. The Reporter pours milks while running]

Bruce: [as the camera looks at the Kowolskis for the seconds at one point] But what are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo, its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center, making out beloved Buffalo, the sweetest place to live. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!

Grace: Oh, thank you, God.

Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

[Grace gasps in disbelief]

Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]

Bruce: Oh, well. No big deal.

Control Booth Operator: Oh boy.

Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...

Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.

Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.

Grace: Come on. What are you doing?

Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?

Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...

Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?

[sticking his face into the camera]

Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.

Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.

Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.

Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...

[makes a fist gesture]

Bruce: fuckers.

Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.

Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?

Bruce: [Beep-beep; New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?

Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?

Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.

[Exasperated, Bruce tosses the mic to the counter]

Bruce: [the body of Jimmy Hoffa has just been exhumed] Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks?

Kid: Sure.

Bruce: [holding a video camera] You know how to work one of these?

Kid: Duh!

Bruce: [blows into the eye piece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!

Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop!

[Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear]

Bruce: High ho silver, away!

[Bruce drives down the road at high speed]

Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me? Who are you?

God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and Earth. Alpha and Omega.

Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.

God: Bruce... I'm God.

Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!

Bruce: [revving his car] Come on, come on... Start!

[slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts; stunned]

Bruce: That was luck.

Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!

God: [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with him] Really something, isn't it?

Bruce: Is this heaven?

God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.

Bruce: [after a pause] I'm DEAD?

God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.

Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is NOT funny.

Grace: So God is picking on you?

Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!

Bruce: [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning.

Grace: [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.

Bruce: [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey.

Grace: Honey last night was just...

Bruce: Heavenly? I know, I know...

Grace: I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?

Bruce: [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger?

Grace: Oh, come on!

Grace: [She jiggles her boobs for him] Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me!

Bruce: Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you.

Grace: [Bruce kisses her] Where are you going?

Bruce: [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.

Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.

God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?

God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

God: Grace. You want her back?

Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

God: Now THAT'S a prayer.

Bruce: [trying to use his powers on Grace] Love me. Love me.

Grace: [unaffected because of her free will] I did.

Grace: Honey, hi, wow!

[Gasps as she looks up at the sky, seeing the moon, which Bruce has brought closer to the Earth]

Grace: I've never seen the moon that big!

Bruce: Yeah...

[Bruce starts running his hands through Grace's hair sensually]

Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.

[Bruce and Grace start making out passionately, as a divinely-caused meteor shower lights the sky behind them]

Bruce: Bedroom?

Grace: [breaks the kiss] Five minutes!

[Grace runs into the bathroom to prepare for sex]

Bruce: [Grace is sitting on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way...

[She opens the door, and sees Bruce standing there]

Bruce: hoooooooooome!

Grace: [surprised] Oh my God.

Bruce: You can call me Bruce.

Grace: What happened to you? You seem so-

[He interrupts her with a kiss]

Grace: happy.

Bruce: Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this.

[He presents her with some flowers]

Grace: Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these?

Bruce: They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies.

Grace: Okay...

[She walks away to get a vase. Once she's gone, Bruce magically closes the door with his powers. He follows her to the kitchen and strikes a flirtatious pose in the doorway]

Grace: Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...

Bruce: Last night I was only human.

[He backs away seductively]

Bruce: Barry, help me out here.

[the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's Never Never Gonna Give You Up]

Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?

God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.

[repeated lines]

Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.

Bruce: Maybe I should be more like Evan.

Jack: You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole.

Bruce: Well, I can be an asshole.

Jack: No, Bruce. You can't.

[Bruce whacks Jack's sandwich out of his hands]

Jack: You going to pick that up?

Bruce: Yeah, I'm sorry.

Grace: Debbie won the lottery.

Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.

Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.

Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'

[Truck with Danger signs passes him]

[Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]

Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.

Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize, right?

[Bruce nods]

Hood: I'll tell you what. We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out of my butt. Then you'll get your "sorry". How about that?

Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's TODAY.

Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.

Jack: You did that in a day?

Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...

Bruce: Where are you going?

God: I'm taking a vacation.

Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he? Do... ye?

God: Did you ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?

God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

Bruce: Quit bragging.

Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?

Kid: Hey. You said "ass".

Bruce: Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.

[repeated lines]

Bruce: It's good. It's goooooood!

Bruce: [chuckles] This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.

God: [Bruce laughs followed by him laughing] You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.

Grace: I'll be out in a minute!

Bruce: Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure.

[Growls]

Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh!

Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.

Grace: Wow.

Bruce: It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!

Grace: [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God.

Bruce: [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasuring pleasurable pleasuring...

Grace: [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God!

[Moaning]

Grace: Oh good God!

[She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight]

Bruce: ...pleasurable pleasure.

[the bathroom door opens. Bruce quickly stops chanting and adopts a casual pose. Grace is standing in the doorway, using it for support. Bruce growls at her like an animal. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her and throws her down onto the bed. Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss. Bruce cries out triumphantly]

Bruce: [at the bakery, pausing the news broadcast for the interview, Vol is picking his nose] It's a good thing I'm wearing this

Bruce: [tugs at hair net] because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!

Announcer: [Bruce sees that the news is starting at the office] Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.

[Bruce smiles mischievously and heads to the news room]

Susan Ortega: Good evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.

Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit

[Bruce uses his powers to make Evan's voice choked off and high-pitched]

Evan Baxter: D-bow d-bit d-bow

[unintelligible chicken squawking]

Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck. I'm sorry; I seem to have something stuck in my throat.

Director: Someone get him some water please.

Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [laughs like hyena, drinks, and clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that.

[Bruce uses his powers to manipulate the teleprompter]

Evan Baxter: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.

[Bruce immediately stops what he's doing and returns the teleprompter to normal. A female employee checks the prompter and shrugs in confusion]

Technician: The prompter's fine.

Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: [Bruce manipulates the teleprompter again] The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Rib Roast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.

[Bruce snickers]

Evan Baxter: I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news...

[Bruce uses his powers to make Evan break wind]

Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies.

[Covering his face, Bruce uses his powers to make Evan speak rapid unintelligible gibberish]

Homeless Man: [last "sign"; holding up] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"

God: [the man itself morphs into God; uses hands to cut to black] Clap-clap.

Homeless Man, Bruce: [as Bruce arrives late to work; holding up the sign; Bruce reads] "R EWE BLIND"?

Bruce: No, but I'm late!

[after gang beats up Bruce]

Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "LIFE IS JUST"

Bruce: [reads sign] "LIFE IS JUST"? Just get a clue!

Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"

Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"

Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.

Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliche. That is not helpful to me. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?

God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

Bruce: Excuse me, I need a spoooo...

[a spoon appears, sliding out of his mouth]

Bruce: It's okay, I found one.

Bruce: [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog!

Grace: I'm in the shower!

Stalled Car Guy: Well, thanks a million.

Bruce: [puts his hand up] God bless.

Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!

Bruce: Bless you, bless ALL of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!

Grace: [after Bruce was attacked by hoodlums] Oh, thank God you're all right.

Bruce: Yeah, let's thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that's not rain!

Bruce Nolan: Newsflash! I'm not okay. I'm not okay with a mediocre job. I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment. I'm not okay with a mediocre life!

Grace: Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life?

Bruce Nolan: Don't make this about you.

Grace: About me? This isn't about me. It's about you. It's always about you!

Bruce Nolan: Perfect. PERFECT! I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt please!

God: [Approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

Bruce: [frightened] Wait, wait, wait. Don't come near me, seriously. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal! I don't wanna hurt you, but I will out of instinct.

God: [unimpressed] You haven't won a fight since grade five and that was against a girl.

Bruce: [pauses] Yeah, but she was HUGE. She even held me back.

God: And the sun was in your eyes.

God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] There are only 2 rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me you don't want that kind of attention, and you can't mess with free will.

Bruce: Can I ask why?

God: Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

Little Girl: [Bruce is lying in bed, asleep. Suddenly, he begins to hear thousands of voices in his head, causing him to wake up. Several are loud enough to make out] Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister.

Man #1: Please help me Lord. Please get me through this one.

Woman: I need you Lord. I'm desperate. And you alone, can take control of my future.

Man #2: All I'm asking, Lord, is that you help me.

Little Girl: Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.

Bruce: [Bruce sees Sam, about to urinate on an armchair] Sam...

[He points to the bathroom, and Sam goes to urinate in the toilet]

Bruce: Good boy.

[Sam turns to leave]

Bruce: Ah! Forget something?

[Sam goes to put the seat down]

Bruce: Good boy! There are girls in the house, huh?

Bruce: [He finishes his report, and Grace comes up to him] Hey...

[They kiss]

Bruce: How was that?

Grace: That was great.

Bruce: Yeah?

Grace: That was really great.

[They kiss again]

Grace: Now you still have to go over there. The nurse is waiting.

Bruce: Oh... do I have to?

Grace: Oh it's not gonna hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.

Bruce: Ooo baby.

Hazel: [Being interviewed by Bruce] My secret is that I let the jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce for at least 24 hours, before I stir it into the chilli. Then I let it all come to a simmer.

Bruce: [He closes his eyes and concentrates. A meteor then crashes right behind them] Hold that thought Hazel! It seems as if... an asteroid, or some kind of meteorite... has just hit ground, right outside of the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-off! This should certainly spice things up a bit!

Newscaster: His stories are all over town.

Newscaster: From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa.

Newscaster: To a meteor crashing to Earth.

Newscaster: Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as...

[Shot of a "Mr Exclusive" banner being put up]

[From a scripted, but unreleased scene]

Susan Ortega: [Bruce and Susan are at the Eyewitness News desk, preparing for their first live broadcast together. Susan leans over to Bruce] Bruce, if I had any idea Grace was going to be there last night...

Bruce: Susan, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I found the moment rather pleasurable.

Susan Ortega: [She gasps and moans as she has a small orgasm] Oh really... that's nice...

Mother: [Bruce drives up in his fancy car] What the heck is that?

Grace: Oh, Bruce's new car.

Mother: Ok...

Grace: [Bruce gets out of the car and walks towards her] I am mad at you.

Bruce: I know you are, and you have every right to be.

[He pulls out a bouquet of flowers]

Bruce: But I have flowers.

Grace: What are those?

Bruce: They're a hybrid of sunflowers and lilies. I call 'em "sillies". 'Cause they're a little mixed up like me.

[From a deleted scene on the DVD]

Bruce: Alright, now we're gettin' somewhere. Let's see... Filbert Davis, Gym Class.

[He reads the prayer]

Bruce: Lemme get a visual on this.

School Bully 1: [They're stood in gym class, next to the climbing rope] Come on, fatty Filbert! My grandma can climb higher than you!

School Bully 2: Pretend there's a hot dog up there!

Filbert Davis: Oh God, please help me!

Bruce: Don't worry Filbert, help is on the way!

[Filbert suddenly has a burst of strength, and is able to climb up to the top of the rope]

Filbert Davis: Oh my gosh...

Bruce: [Grace has walked out angrily after catching Bruce kissing Susan Ortega. Bruce is running after her] Grace! Grace, come here! Grace, this is so weird, I was just calling you!

Grace: Oh yeah, what, and you thought like Susan's mouth was the phone?

Bruce: She kissed me! I'm the kissee!

Grace: Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight!

Bruce: I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong. Okay, I screwed up! Can I make it up to you?

Grace: Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce?

Bruce: What?

Grace: Yeah, a big boat! And then maybe two big bags of cash? Then, then I'll be happy. Lots of money and lots of stuff! Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies with the man that they've loved for 5 years, but not me Bruce! Just gimme the boat!

[She gets in the car]

Bruce: No wonder you stayed single! Grace, don't do this!

Grace: I'm not doing it! I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's, you take care of Sam until I can make arrangements.

[She drives off]

Bruce: You can't leave me! I'm the Alpha, lady! I'm the Omega, baby! Okay fine. I don't need you!

Bruce: [He finds a particular photo amongst the others] Woah, hold the phone. I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

Grace: How did you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.

Bruce: [Staring at it] You look perky, hun. Must've been cold.

Grace: Alright just give it to me.

Bruce: You know I think I'll put this on my computer and use it as a wallpaper.

Grace: Okay, Bruce, give it to me! Come on!

[She tries to get it off him]

Bruce: Hey! Hey! No no no!

Grace: Alright fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care.

Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.

Grace: Give that to me, right now!

[She pounces on him]

Bruce: [after realizing that answering all of Buffalo's prayers is going to be a big job] I better manifest some coffee.

[He concentrates, and there's a knock at his window. Juan Valdez is there]

Bruce: ¡Hola! Juan Valdez!

[he opens the window]

Bruce: Buenos Dias!

Bruce: ¡Buenos Dias!

Juan Valdes: [as he pours the coffee] Disfrute un buen café

[this means "enjoy good coffee" in Spanish]

Bruce: Gracias, Señor.

Juan Valdes: Adiós.

Bruce: ¡Adiós!

[Juan leaves with his donkey, and Bruce sits back down at his computer, and sips the coffee]

Bruce: Ah... Now *that's* fresh, mountain grown coffee from the hills of Colombia!

Bruce: [from Home Video TV Spot; In living room] Organize into files.

[File drawers fill the living room]

Bruce: Post-Its!

[Drawers disappear randomly as the shower of Post-Its now fills the entire house]