Broadway Danny Rose Quotes

[On why one of his acts can't perform]

Danny Rose: The cat ate his bird. That comes under the Act of God clause.

Blind Xylophonist: The cranberry sauce is dry.

Herbie Jayson: You're eating the mashed potatoes!

Tina Vitale: I like it when he takes the microphone off the stand and sort of throws the microphone from hand to hand.

Danny Rose: That's my gesture. I gave him that.

Tina Vitale: Years ago he took the microphone off the stand.

Danny Rose: But he didn't throw it from hand to hand. I used to do that in nightclub acts.

Tina Vitale: So you taught him to throw the microphone from hand to hand...

Danny Rose: I taught him everything he knows.

[Trying to get a booking for a client]

Danny Rose: My hand to God, she's gonna be at Carnegie Hall. But you - I'll let you have her now at the old price, OK? Which is, which is anything you wanna give me. Anything at all.

Danny Rose: You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, no question about it, but you gotta suffer a little too' because, otherwise you miss the whole point to life. And that's how I feel

Tina Vitale: Know what my philosophy of life is?

Danny Rose: I can imagine.

Tina Vitale: It's over quick, so have a good time. You see want you want, you go for it. Don't pay any attention to anyone else. And do it to the other guy first, because, if you don't, he'll do it to you.

Danny Rose: This is a philosophy of life? This is - it sounds like the screenplay to "Murder Incorporated".

Danny Rose: [at dinner with Lou's family] How are you, darling? How old are you?

Lou's Daughter: Twelve.

Danny Rose: Twelve! Are you married?

Tina Vitale: You know what I'd do with this room?

Danny Rose: What?

Tina Vitale: Liven it up! Do it all in somethin' up, you know. Pink, maybe?

Danny Rose: Pink?

Tina Vitale: Yeah. You know, you gotta lighten it up. Pink with maybe some gold wallpaper. And you need fabric, you know. Like big purple pillows or somethin'. Maybe some incense.

Danny Rose: What is this? A Turkish whorehouse? I live here!

[repeated line]

Danny Rose: Keep wriggling.

[repeated line]

Danny Rose: I'm just the beard.

Danny Rose: What do you do, Rocco?

Rocco: Cement.

Danny Rose: Cement?

Rocco: I own a fleet of cement mixers.

Danny Rose: Oh, no kidding. Isn't that a very big organized cr...

Danny Rose: God bless you, darling. Let me ask you a question, sweetheart. How old are you? Just tell me how old you are?

Catskills Audience Member: Eighty-one.

Danny Rose: Eight-one years old! Isn't that fantastic? No, really?

[audience applauses]

Danny Rose: She's eighty-one. Fantastic. Unbelievable. You don't look a day over eighty.

Danny Rose: May I say one word? May I just interject one concept at this juncture? You're lookin' for somebody for Memorial Day weekend. My blind xylophone player, okay? The man would be perfect for your room.

Phil Chomsky: Eh, forget it.

Danny Rose: What? Philly, will you hear me out? Will you please hear me out. The man is a beautiful man. He's a - he's a fantastic individual.

Phil Chomsky: My hotel gets all Jewish people. They're blind! They ain't gonna pay to see a blind guy!

Danny Rose: I think about you in the long run. That's what I'm sayin'. You're - you're the kinda guy that will always make a beautiful dollar in this business. You know what I mean? You're what I call a perennial. You - you get better lookin' as you get older.

Lou Canova: That's true. When I'm out there singin', I can feel the women mentally undressing me. It's true!

Lou Canova: Do me a favor. I want to go across the street and get one white rose.

Danny Rose: You want to get a white rose?

Lou Canova: One white rose.

Danny Rose: What do you want a white rose?

Lou Canova: I met this chick.

Danny Rose: Oh, Lou. Lou, don't tell me about it; because, you know, you're gonna get caught in a hotel room. You're gonna wind up paying three alimonies, not two.

Lou Canova: No, no, no. This is a classy chick.

Tina Vitale: My friends told me he was at the track last night with his arm around a cheap blonde.

Danny Rose: Because they bother him cause he's cute. They try and grab, he pushes them away. When he pushes them away, his arm goes around.

Tina Vitale: Knock it off. You think I buy that?

Danny Rose: His wife is a blonde. She's not cheap. A lovely woman. Educated. She's a cocktail waitress. And they don't all hustle, no matter what you say.

Tina Vitale: My friends told me he was at the track last night with his arm around a cheap blonde.

Danny Rose: Because they bother him cause he's cute. They try and grab, he pushes them away. When he pushes them away, his arm goes around.

Tina Vitale: Knock it off. You think I buy that?

Danny Rose: His wife is a blonde! His wife is - she's not cheap. A lovely woman. Educated. She's a cocktail waitress. You know what I mean? And they don't all hustle. They don't. No matter what you say. They're not hustlers.

Vinnie: I saw this guy in Atlantic City.

Danny Rose: Yeah?

Vinnie: He had a cigar box. And he cuts a hole in it. Then he goes backstage, he opens up his fly and he sticks his thing in it. Then he goes outside, down to ringside to some old lady's table, opens up the box. I mean, that's humor?

Danny Rose: You know, they call me old-fashioned, but - but, if it's old-fashioned to like Mr Danny Kaye, Mr Bob Hope, Mr Milton Berle, then all right, then I'm old-fashioned.

Tina Vitale: Well, you're not so terrible.

Danny Rose: Yeah, I know one thing, honey. I'm never gonna be Cary Grant, I don't care what anybody says.

Tina Vitale: Can I tell you a secret? I mean I'm not just trying to make you feel good or anything.

Danny Rose: Yeah?

Tina Vitale: A handsome man never did anything for me.

Danny Rose: No?

Tina Vitale: You know what turns me on?

Danny Rose: No.

Tina Vitale: Intellectual.

Danny Rose: Really?

Tina Vitale: I'm not - I'm not just saying this to make you feel good or anything. You're a smooth talker. Angelina once even predicted I would marry a Jew.

Danny Rose: Did she happen to say which Jew?

Tina Vitale: Yeah. A Jew or someone musical.

Danny Rose: Boy, that guy Johnny must have really been crazy about you.

Tina Vitale: I like to flirt, you know. Sometimes people take it too seriously.

Danny Rose: What did your husband do?

Tina Vitale: Um, a little bookmaking, some loansharking, extortion, like that.

Danny Rose: So he's a professional man. What'd you do? You divorced him or you got a separation or what?

Tina Vitale: Some guy shot him in the eyes.

Danny Rose: Really? He's blind?

Tina Vitale: Dead!

Danny Rose: He's dead, of course, because the bullets go right through. Oh, my God, you poor thing. It must have been a shock.

Tina Vitale: He had it coming.

Danny Rose: What did he tell you he did when you married him?

Tina Vitale: Juice man for the Mob.

Danny Rose: He made juice for the Mob?

Tina Vitale: Juice man. No! He collected for the loan sharks.

Tina Vitale: So who else have you handle besides Lou?

Danny Rose: Me? I got... I got... I have various interesting artists. I got a very wonderful blind xylophone player, that's... I got a... I'm currently working with a parrot that sings "I Gotta Be Me". And I got some very nice balloon-folders, you know. It's interesting.

Tina Vitale: No big shots, right?

Danny Rose: I find 'em, I discover 'em, I breathe life into 'em and then they go. You know and then - then - no guilt. I mean, they don't feel guilty or anything. They just split.

Tina Vitale: Guilty? What the hell is that? Hell, they see somethin' better and they grab it. Who's got time for guilt?

Danny Rose: What are you talking about? Guilt is important. It's important to feel guilty, otherwise, you know, you're capable of terrible things. You know, it's very important to be guilty. I'm guilty all the time and I never did anything, you know. My rabbi, Rabbi Peristein, used to say we're all guilty in the eyes of God.

Tina Vitale: Do you believe in God?

Danny Rose: No. No. But I'm guilty over it.

Tina Vitale: Get up slowly and get outta here. Out the back door.

Danny Rose: I don't understand? What's out there?

Tina Vitale: Johnny's brothers.

Danny Rose: Johnny? You mean the guy with the iodine?

Tina Vitale: They're crazy, that whole family.

Danny Rose: Why? Because they think I'm your lover?

Tina Vitale: They'll tear the tongue right outta your head.

Tina Vitale: Throw some money down. Let's get outta here.

Danny Rose: What do you mean? I only got 10 bucks.

Tina Vitale: Leave it.

Danny Rose: Leave it? The tips a dollar...

Tina Vitale: Come on, will ya?

Danny Rose: The check is a dollar and a half. You want to leave an eight-and-a-half-dollar tip.

Tina Vitale: There oughta be a delivery entrance.

Danny Rose: It's eight and a half bucks. For that kind of dough I could get the waitress to sleep with me.

Tina Vitale: Jesus. We're in the middle of nowhere.

Danny Rose: God, I never saw so many reeds in my life. I feel like Moses.

Tina Vitale: Poor Lou's probably worried sick.

Danny Rose: Darling, Lou is probably drinking out of the promotional-size whisky bottle by now.

Tina Vitale: Hey, wait a minute. I know where we are! These are the flatlands. My husband's friends used to dump bodies here.

Danny Rose: Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest.

Ray Webb: There's a guy there with a boat. Give him a couple of bucks. He'll take you across.

Tina Vitale: Oh, great, great.

Danny Rose: I don't travel by water. It's against my religion. I'm a landlocked Hebrew.

Danny Rose: So, you ready? Ready? All right, now, now, now start to wriggle. That's right. Wriggle. You see what I mean? That's it. That's a girl. Just wriggle. That's it. That's it.

Tina Vitale: I'm wriggling.

Danny Rose: Keep wriggling. That's very important. Are you wriggling?

Tina Vitale: Uh-huh. I'm wriggling.

Danny Rose: That's good wriggling.

Tina Vitale: I don't wanna over-wriggle.

Danny Rose: No, but, It's nice wriggling. That's it. The ropes are starting to get loose. Come on, it's happening. It's - my hand's getting free. Keep wriggling. Don't stop now. Oh, I got it, I got it.

Tina Vitale: Yeah?

Danny Rose: Yeah. Yeah. I got it, I got it.

Tina Vitale: Yes?

Danny Rose: Yeah.

Tina Vitale: Oh! Great!

Danny Rose: Come on. Get this thing off. Come on, keep wriggling. Keep wriggling, darling. Don't - yeah - I told you, that's what Shandar did. He would wriggle and get the whole thing to happen. I saw it a million times!

Lou Canova: This is what you get when you eat too much. Uno, two!

[singing]

Lou Canova: Agita, my gumba, in the banzone, When I eat, he gets a treat like a canzone, He enjoys every meal, every bite that I steal, Agita, my gumba, in the banzone, Da-da-da-da-da, Some people like their pizza, some people like suffrite, And others like hot pepper on everything they eat, You hunger with a vuole to taste some bacala, Then all at once you think "Will I answer to gumba?" Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, My lovely, lovely woman, I hate to see her cry, But when I start to mangia, I get the evil eye, My vuole's gettin' stronger, ah, to hell with my gumba...