Bright Quotes

Nick Jakoby: I think we might be in a Prophecy.

Daryl Ward: We're not in a Prophecy, all right?

Nick Jakoby: How do you know?

Daryl Ward: We're in a stolen Toyota Corolla.

OG Mike: Yo, that Fairy been all up in my crib, eating up my dog food and shit. I'm about to call the city, man.

Daryl Ward: I *am* the city. All right? You save your dime. Fairy lives don't matter today.

Daryl Ward: I need to know if you're a cop first, or an Orc first. I need to hear you say it.

Nick Jakoby: Ward, I... I wanted to be a cop since I was a little kid. I am nothing else. My badge means more to me than the air I breathe. So don't question me.

Pollard: That's magic right there. That's whatever you want. You want a million dollars? You want ten million? You wanna be taller or shorter? Make your dick bigger? You wanna go back in time, marry the girl who didn't blow you on prom night? That's how you do it, right there.

Daryl Ward: Well, clearly, we had different prom nights.

Nick Jakoby: [after gangster picks up the wand] Where did they all go?

Daryl Ward: I think we're breathing 'em.

Nick Jakoby: You're fearless. You always know what to do. What you did tonight, that's what it takes for an Orc to get blooded. An act of great bravery. To me, you're like a blooded human.

Daryl Ward: I used to be like you. Think you can save everybody and fix everything and... Now I just pretend to be a good dude. You still are one.

Daryl Ward: The hell are you?

Leilah: I'm a warrior - a priestess - a lover. I am whatever my Lord needs me to be.

[laying dazed and singed on the ground]

Daryl Ward: Hey. Nick, the firemen are here. We should've been firemen.

Nick Jakoby: Yeah.

Daryl Ward: Hey, can I get a aspirin?

Daryl Ward: No holes?

Nick Jakoby: Only the holes I was born with.

[pause]

Nick Jakoby: How are your holes?

Daryl Ward: How the fuck can you make a shootout awkward?

Nick Jakoby: Sorry. Sorry.

Daryl Ward: Let's give this motherfucker the wand.

Nick Jakoby: What?

Daryl Ward: Look, we're gonna get everybody in here killed, and then he's gonna take the damn wand anyway.

Nick Jakoby: I'm not giving that guy the wand. Over my dead body. He's gonna have to kill me first.

Daryl Ward: So you want to die, in a gunfight, in a nasty-ass titty bar? That's what you want?

Nick Jakoby: I don't wanna die anywhere.

Daryl Ward: Well, you know what? Now I do. Fuck it. I wanna die. Let's do it right now! We're gonna titty-bar-gunfight die! Let's do it, right here, right now! Are you ready? I just wish your dumb ass was a better shot.

Daryl Ward: Alright, look, Imma cut you a break on the reckless driving, but I need you to return to your vehicles and drive home safely.

[points at an orc]

Daryl Ward: So I need *you* to take your fat, Shrek-lookin' ass back to your vehicle and drive the *fuck* off to Fiona! Alright? Do you wanna go to jail?

[to Jakoby]

Daryl Ward: Tell these dickheads, in Orcish, get the fuck back in their vehicles, and drive home, or they're all going to jail.

Sophia Ward: Hi, Nick.

Nick Jakoby: Hey, Sophia! What's up, rockstar?

[They bump fists]

Sophia Ward: We're gonna go to Grandma's.

Nick Jakoby: Grandma's? Well, hop in, we'll give you a ride.

Daryl Ward: Shut up! This ain't no Uber, man!

Sophia Ward: Don't tell Nick to shut up! He's a person, too.

Daryl Ward: Thank you, sweetie.

Nick Jakoby: Enlightened kid you got there, Daryl.

Nick Jakoby: Everywhere I go, why have orcs always gotta be the bad guys?

Rodriguez: Hey, don't look at me, man. Mexicans still get shit for the fuckin' Alamo.

Tikka: [gasps, starts jabbering in Elvish]

Daryl Ward: What's she saying?

Nick Jakoby: She says the Devil is coming.

Daryl Ward: The Devil's ass is out there in that wheelchair!

Nick Jakoby: Are we friends?

Daryl Ward: No, Nick. We're not friends. You don't want me as a friend.

[Nick carries Daryl out of a burning building, and they both collapse]

Daryl Ward: Still not my friend.

Nick Jakoby: Ah, I never really liked you anyway.

Daryl Ward: Think you're a big dog now that you're blooded, huh?

Nick Jakoby: Yeah, pretty big.

Daryl Ward: Hey, Nick?

Nick Jakoby: Yeah?

Daryl Ward: Fuck magic.

Nick Jakoby: Oh, I don't know. I still think it's kinda cool.

[last lines]

City Councilman: Faced with armed terrorists, obsessed with myths from thousands of years ago, two of our officers held the line...

Daryl Ward: [sotto] I hate seeing those scumbags up there with Rodriguez.

Nick Jakoby: [sotto] Let it go, Ward. We know, okay? That's enough.

City Councilman: ...Officer Daryl Ward, and our nation's first Orcish police officer, Nicholas Jakoby. Jakoby...

[Nick bows, allowing the Councilman to hang a medal around his neck. Daryl sees Tikka hiding in the crowd, and smiles for the first time]

City Councilman: Ward...

[Ward bows, and receives his medal]

City Councilman: Congratulations, Ward.

Daryl Ward: Thank you, sir.

Nick Jakoby: I believe that you're lacking in love, Ward.

Daryl Ward: I'm what?

Nick Jakoby: By love, I mean, like... physical love.

Daryl Ward: Yeah. Um...

Nick Jakoby: Right?

Daryl Ward: I'm straight. I don't need no physical love. Trust me, I'm good.

Nick Jakoby: You can't hide it, Ward. Humans have physical tells.

Daryl Ward: Tells, huh?

Nick Jakoby: Yeah. It's called a face.

Daryl Ward: I ain't making no face.

Nick Jakoby: Like the face you're making right now.

Daryl Ward: I ain't making no face. All right, what face am I making?

Nick Jakoby: "A human who needs a lot more conjugal love" type face.

Daryl Ward: "Conjugal love" face.

Daryl Ward: So you know human faces. Show me another human face. What's another one we make?

Nick Jakoby: Oh, uh...

[pouts]

Daryl Ward: What's that face?

Nick Jakoby: Human who doesn't get any more pancakes.

Daryl Ward: [laughs] We do like our pancakes, for real.

Nick Jakoby: I got a lot of 'em.

Daryl Ward: You got a lot?

Nick Jakoby: I got a lot of them.

Daryl Ward: Show me the face an Orc makes when he just shut the fuck up, and don't say shit, and just drive to work.

[Nick glares at him]

Daryl Ward: Yeah, that's it! That's it! Oh, you got that one! Yeah, you killing that one. You should do that one. Do that one, like, all the time.

[the Altamira gangsters' truck pulls alongside the police car; Ward shocks the driver with his taser, causing him to lose control, and Jakoby rams the truck off the road]

Nick Jakoby: [chuckles] They don't teach *that* at the academy.

Daryl Ward: No, they do not.

Daryl Ward: All right, look, I got the wand, but I need something.

Kandomere: You need forgiveness.

Daryl Ward: If I give you this wand, and let's just say, I don't know, somebody accused me of some dumb shit, like killing a bunch of cops, a man like you could fix that shit, right?

Kandomere: If you were protecting a weapon of magic from, let's say, corrupt individuals, there would be no charges.

Daryl Ward: That's exactly what happened... hypothetically.

[Ward swats a fairy out of the air with a broom]

OG Mike: Oh, you got it now! Now take the little homie out LAPD-style, like you do.

Sophia Ward: Are you in trouble?

Daryl Ward: Am I in trouble? What did you mother say to you?

Sophia Ward: Mom said that Nick got you in trouble because Orcs are dumb.

Daryl Ward: That's not true! All right? Orcs are not dumb. Just... all of the races are different, okay? And just 'cause they're different doesn't mean anybody's smarter, or dumber, you know, better or worse than anybody. All right, it's just everybody's trying to get along and have a good life.

Kandomere: [pulling up outside the LAPD precinct] Place is a shithole.

[they pass Jakoby]

Kandomere: An Orc with a badge... unbelievable.

Montehugh: Yeah, that's something you don't see everyday... like an Elf with a mop.

[after interrogating Nick and Daryl, Dorghu prepares to execute both of them]

Dorghu: You didn't break. You would have been a great Orc.

Nick Jakoby: I *am* a great Orc.

Daryl Ward: Look, you need to un-fuck this right now, you got to magic our asses to Cabo or something...

Tikka: I saved your friend's life. Isn't that enough?

Daryl Ward: It's a start, but...

Nick Jakoby: Ward, enough. I happen to think it's a pretty big deal.

[to Tikka]

Nick Jakoby: Thank you.

Nick Jakoby: I shot a human. Did you see?

Daryl Ward: Yeah, I'll get you some ice cream later.

[during a gunfight]

Daryl Ward: First time being shot at?

Nick Jakoby: Yeah. I have to say, I dislike it very much.

Daryl Ward: Yeah, it fucking sucks.