Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

Coach: Oh, really?

Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."

Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross...

Chazz: ...It gets the people going!
Hector: I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday... It's coming up...
Chazz: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.
Chazz: This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

Jimmy: I could hold it all day long, try me!

Chazz: Maybe I will.

Jimmy: Maybe you should.

Chazz: You challenging me, princess?

Jimmy: I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.

Chazz: Then bring it on!

Jimmy: It is on!
Jimmy: Get out of my face.

Chazz: I'll get inside your face.
Chazz: [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That's retarded
Jimmy: I see you got FAT!

Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!
Jimmy: Watch my icy hot super slide.

Chazz: Do it.
Hector: [to Jimmy after he's told him of a loophole in the rules of competitive figure skating that will allow him to skate again] Oh, I'm still going to kill you someday!

[nods and walks away]
Coach: You're the girl.

Jimmy: What?

Chazz: You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

Jimmy: Wait, why?

Coach: Because you whine like one!

[turns to Chazz]

Coach: And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.
Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.
Jimmy: I don't share rooms!

Chazz: I don't share SHIT!

[pause]

Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me...

Jimmy: [to Chazz] It's dark for everyone, moron!

Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!
Chazz: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Remember how they used to be alive?
Chazz: So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your weiner?
Chazz: I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
Chazz: I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
Chazz: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here

[pointing to heart]

Chazz: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother

[grabs Jimmy]

Chazz: , this is my brother

[grabs Katie]

Chazz: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.

Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.

Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: [when Katie is leaving] No, Katie, come back, we love you and stuff...
Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.
Jimmy: I'm getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!
Hector: I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood?
Bryce: Are you drunk?

Chazz: No, but this oughta do it

[smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]

Bryce: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.

[pause]

Bryce: You smell like urine.

Chazz: A lot?
Chazz: [to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...
Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary!

Jimmy: No, that's not her.
Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it?

Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling?

Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?
Chazz: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!
Chazz: Ahh, my nutsack!
Chazz: Don't make me kill her!
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch.
[In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]

Chazz: Let's capture the dream.

Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?

Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that.

Jimmy: Cool.

Chazz: Let's kick some ice.
Chazz: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?

Jimmy: I don't know

Chazz: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.
Chazz: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!
Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]

Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary?

Chazz: Ask THEM.
Chazz: Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.
Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.

Jimmy: That was disgusting.

Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: Who's gonna save you now, Chazz? Is Little Lord MacLeroy gonna come and meet ya down here?

[Chazz flips him the bird]
Chazz: I permanently call shotgun.

Jimmy: You do not get shotgun every time!
Stranz Van Waldenberg: [referring to Jimmy and Chazz] Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.
Katie Van Waldenberg: Great! That'll give me time to get my jugs waxed.
[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]

Coach: [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.

Chazz: Are you nuts?

Jimmy: Wha...? We can't do that!

Coach: C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.
[Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men's Singles]

Darren MacElroy: You're fired.

Coach: What? I got him a Gold Medal.

Darren MacElroy: No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.
Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?

Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Nothing breaks up a team faster than...

Stranz Van Waldenberg: Herpes! Uh... jealousy.
Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!

Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.

Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!

Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!

Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!
Random Guy: You mean, that blonde chick's a dude?
Hector: It's embarrassing stalking a has-been.
Chazz: I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
Co-Anchor: Jimmy may be renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott, but after that performance, he's starting to reek... Of gold.
Darren MacElroy: [referring to the fans] They may look cute and innocent, but they're nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria.
Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.

Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.

Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.
Co-Anchor: [Describing Chazz] Chazz Michael Michaels: an ice-devouring sex tornado.
Co-Anchor: [about Chazz] The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award.
Chazz: [referring to his program] Eat THAT, MacElroy.

Jimmy: Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied!

Chazz: You're high!
Sports Anchor: [Referring to their medals] And how heavy is that gold around your necks?

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Scott, this may be solid gold, but to us it's lighter than air, because dreams never weigh you down.

Stranz Van Waldenberg: No. Dreams are in your sleep.
Chazz: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.
Chazz: You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.
Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!

Chazz: [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!

[begins throwing up again]
Chazz: [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!
Coach: Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It's like a cruel bitch mother!
Chazz: Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.

Coach: I don't see what's so funny.

Chazz: If you were as drunk as me, you would.
Chazz: What're you, the rug doctor?

Jimmy: Maybe I am.

Chazz: Well, I'm the rug MASTER.

Jimmy: What does that even mean?
Jimmy: [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!

Chazz: This isn't what it looks like.

[Grabs Katie's breast]

Jimmy: Impure! Impure!

[Runs out of the room]

Katie Van Waldenberg: Jimmy, wait!

Chazz: Brother man!
Stranz Van Waldenberg: [realizing he's about to lose the gold medal to Chazz and Jimmy] It's over. All the endorsements, everything gone. Oh my God, I can't get a real job; it'll kill me!
Chazz: [a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!
[first lines]

Darren MacElroy: [watching a young Jimmy skate at an orphanage] I'll take him.
Chazz: Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...
Chazz: You know what dude, your hand has to be on top.

Jimmy: No way, the girl's goes on top.

Chazz: Yeah, ergo, chick.

Jimmy: I'm not the girl, I'm stronger!

Chazz: No, I'M stronger, and don't have a vagina.
Co-Anchor: These two put the "bone" in Zamboni.
Chazz: [while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...
Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me.

Jimmy: It's dark for everyone, moron!

Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.
Hector: He likes food and dreams and whispers... his favorite movie is Short Circuit... and Fried Green Tomatoes.
Hector: I wanna wear the gold medal... naked.
Coach: What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?

Chazz: Twin dongs?
Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you.

Jimmy: What?

Darren MacElroy: Well, legally I'm disowning you.
Jimmy: [Answering Machine Message] Hey, It's Jimmy. if you can dream it, you can do it!
Jimmy: I call top.

Chazz: Sorry, I already called it in my head...

Jimmy: No, you can't do that, that doesn't count.

Chazz: Yes it does.
Chazz: It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.
Chazz: Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy *are* figure skating.

[shouts and raises left arm]

Chazz: Boom!
Chazz: I am never satisfied! It's a curse...
Chazz: But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.
Jimmy: They're laughing at us.

Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
Darren MacElroy: Banned for life. That's a long time.
Chazz: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.
Chazz: Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.
Jimmy: [fighting with Chazz] You're so fat!
Chazz: Throw me some chicken.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: No, say you want a snowbone!
Jimmy: [to Katie] I like your... buttons.
Jimmy: When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised to minimize wind resistance.
[Jimmy and Katie have just kissed]

Katie Van Waldenberg: You've been practicing.

Jimmy: Chazz taught me some stuff.
Hector: Look, I almost gave up on you. I started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know, the one who looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine, and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.
Jimmy: This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?

Coach: We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

Chazz: Nice choice, Coach.

Coach: Turned out well.
[last lines]

Chazz: Let's get outta here.

Jimmy: Now?

Chazz: Yeah.
Jimmy: I just put them in order.
[Darren is 'unadopting' Jimmy]

Jimmy: I've been your son for 26 years.

Darren MacElroy: 22, so no one can say I didn't try.
Random Guy: [holding a hot dog bun with two hot dogs in it] Let me ask you something. Does that look right to you?
Chazz: We're going to Montreal bitch!
Chazz: You're welcome Stockholm!
Chazz: [while performing in Grublets on Ice] Hey, everyone! This is Gary the squirrel! Now, listen up, Gary's been a long time friend. We've been skating for... two and a half years. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"

[Chazz pukes in his wizard mask]

Chazz: I just threw up in here people!
Chazz: Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.
Jimmy: Who's that?

Chazz: You mean Katie van Waldenberg?

Jimmy: She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?

Chazz: Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Katie Van Waldenberg: No, I'm not spying for you again.

Stranz Van Waldenberg: We're just asking you to discreetly tape their practice routines.
Chazz: You know this is how I rolled when you met me.

Sam: No, when I met you, you were a great figure skater. Now you're just getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Two men skating together? And in our division, no less! Why, Stranz? Why is God singling us out to the greatest suffering the world has ever known?

Stranz Van Waldenberg: I don't know, sis; those two are just a couple of freaks.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Stranz Van Waldenberg: It makes my blood boil.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: You know I'm not a violent person. But I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.
Chazz: SNOWBALL!
Jimmy: I've never fallen in a competition before. Just take my hand and we can get through this.
Surly Reporter - Montreal: Jimmy Macelroy stands alone, and you got to wonder what's going on.

Reporter - Montreal: Well, this is Rice without Montana. Ali without Frasier. Han Solo without Chewbacca.
Coach: [interjecting as Chazz and Jimmy are arguing] All right, this is gonna stop right now! From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together, you are going to pee together, you're gonna file a joint income tax return; practice starts now! End of discussion!
Coach: [to Jimmy and Chazz] Alright, ladies. Tea party's over. We got two days 'til Montreal. I want to see an Iron Lotus.
Katie Van Waldenberg: No! I'm not gonna make Chazz Michael Michaels fall in love with me.

Fairchild Van Waldenberg: Who's talking about love? We just want you to have sex with him.

Katie Van Waldenberg: What? No! I am not going to have sex with Chazz!

Stranz Van Waldenberg: Come on, Katie. Do the honorable thing here.
Chazz: [Leaving a voice mail message] Hey, Jimmy. Hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there - so not a big deal. Just think of it as, like a, boob handshake - between me and your lady's boob. Look, that's not coming out right, I'll explain it. Call me back! Please, it's me, Chazz.
Sports Anchor: Women's skating champion, Sasha Cohen, catches Michaels' jock strap!

Sasha Cohen: [Smells jock strap and screams] I love you guys! Woooooooo!
Female Sex Addict/Rinkside Nurse: [Chazz, injured, hobbles off the rink] Are you okay? I'm gonna have to cut your pants off

Chazz: Start up near the crotch. Its a better access point.
Sports Anchor: [Jimmy MacElroy releases a dove into the air after his skating routine] It's *so* important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time!

Blades of Glory Quotes

Extended Reading

Blades of Glory short comments

Clifford 2022-01-26 08:17:37

In fact, the iron chrysanthemum is more powerful than the iron lotus flower! Thank you @ evil的大好人大 for accompanying me on duty at night and eating KFC dumplings on New Year's Day with me... Throwing away the factor that his girlfriend is not around, this reflects what kind of class friendship!
Catharine 2022-03-21 09:01:45

funny! ! ! ! ! ! hahahahahaha