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Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but it's quite short.
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Bernard: Whores will have their trinkets.
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Bernard: Lies! Subterfuge! Seething Corruption!
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Manny: What's the "L" for?
Bernard: Ludwig, you know, like Beethoven.
Manny: Ludwig? Why would your parents...
Bernard: [Bernard gives him a stern look]
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Bernard: [hangover] No Doctors! Doctors are Satanists! That's why they write Ambulance backwards.
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Bernard: I have spoken!
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Bernard: I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake.
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Fran: Buy this!
Bernard: What is it?
Fran: It's a thing.
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Bernard: She remembers, and I'm not allowed to.
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Fran: It'll be great seeing them all again, it'll be like being back at school!
Bernard: You hated being at school, you had a terrible time.
Fran: I never told you about that.
Bernard: You didn't have to, I just look at your life now and work backwards!
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Fran: I miss my shop.
Bernard: You hated your shop.
Fran: Yes, but hating it took up a big part of my life. I'm disconnected now, I keep buying little things to cheer myself up.
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Bernard: And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the Underpants Charleston with this insane, blind tart?
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Fran: Shh, Manny! It's the beetroot talking!
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Bernard: Natural Selection favours the loud and aggressive, no offense, but genetically you are a cul-de-sac.
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Bernard: Don't you DARE use the word "Party" as a verb in my shop!
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Chalkboard: Don't.
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Chalkboard: No Anecdotage.
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Chalkboard: No giggling.
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Chalkboard: No Chatting, No Smiling, Absolute Silence!
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Chalkboard: Can't.
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T-shirt: Flipper Dolphin Steaks.
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Bernard: This isn't Waterstones!
Manny: I wish I'd never been born.
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Bernard: The little man in my hair is getting very annoyed.
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Bernard: He doesn't know the alphabet! He can't read
[raises Manny's hair for emphasis]
Bernard: at all!
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T-shirt: Veterans of Disorder.
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Bernard: I love my thumbs.
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Bernard: [grabs a book at random] This one's good, you'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life!
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Bernard: You nearly hurt me in the shoulder, there!
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Bernard: Why would I want to do that, when I can do this?
[moshing]
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Bernard: Every Day is another Betrayal.
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Fran: [Wrestling Bernard] Say Peanuts!
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Bernard: They keep coming! THEY'RE LIKE A NEST OF PIGS!
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Manny: You have a heart of stone!
Fran: I always thought of it as a piece of Flint.
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Bernard: I only want French spoken in my Kitchen! An n' est pas anything else!
[fires crossbow bolt at an Ambience]
Bernard: Putin!
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Chalkboard: No Prehensilizing!
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Tishtayan Granny: The Bonds of Third Cousinhood cannot be broken!
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Bernard: Oh, no! More hobbledehoy!
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Bernard: This is a bookshop, Manny. What's wrong with that?
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Bernard: It's not working out.
Manny: But I'm good with the customers, I sold lots of books!
Bernard: It's not that kind of operation...
Black Books Quotes
Extended Reading
