Jack Wyatt: How would you like to be on a television show?

Isabel Bigelow: An actress?

Jack Wyatt: Yeah, if *I* can act, *you* can act.

Book Soup Cafe Waitress: Amen.

Jack Wyatt: [to girl] You know what? I think those people over there just finished their plate of *hummus*.
[from trailer]

Isabel Bigelow: I am through with just snapping my fingers and getting my way.

Coffee Shop Waitress: Uh, no breakfast after 11.

Isabel Bigelow: Oh.

[snaps fingers and clock turns back from 11 to 10:55]

Isabel Bigelow: My absolutely last thing!
[from trailer]

Maria Kelly: I love that show! Is that the one with the genie?
[from trailer]

Isabel Bigelow: Guess what? I'm a witch!

Jack Wyatt: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan!
[Isabel changes a tarot card into a Visa Platinum Card to pay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond]

Isabel Bigelow: That was my last thing as a witch!
Jack Wyatt: Your home... is with me.
Uncle Arthur: Run, you idiot.
Uncle Arthur: Do you want the long version or the short version? Keep in mind, the long version is in Aramaic.

Jack Wyatt: The short version.

Uncle Arthur: You got involved with a witch, and when you do that... weird stuff happens.

Jack Wyatt: That's it?

Uncle Arthur: Do I have to explain everything to you? Okay, here's the deal. I'm not real. Iris is a witch.

Jack Wyatt: Iris is a witch?

Uncle Arthur: Don't dwell. And in my opinion, that manager of yours, Richie...

Jack Wyatt: What?

Uncle Arthur: ...isn't even human!
Jack Wyatt: [takes a drink of something Uncle Arthur has just made in the blender] This tastes awful!

Uncle Arthur: I know. I just like to blend.
Jack Wyatt: [upon discovering Isabel is a witch] Am I gonna get pregnant? Because I cannot get pregnant right now!
Isabel Bigelow: But everyone loves duck...

Jack Wyatt: No, they don't!
Isabel Bigelow: [jumping up and down in excitement with Maria] I don't know why we're doing this, but it's fun!
Isabel Bigelow: [after Darin's dog jumps into her arms] Thank God you didn't have a great Dane!
Isabel Bigelow: [Jack Wyatt is being a jerk on "Inside the Actor's Studio." Isabel gets on the phone with Nina] Yes, I'm watching it.

[exclaims disgustedly; beat]

Isabel Bigelow: What's a "dick?"
Isabel Bigelow: [Isabel rewinds time to undo a hex that was put on Jack and ends up back to where she was on the phone with Nina while watching Jack on "Inside the Actor's Studio."] Yes, I'm watching it, and you're right, he is a great big male reproductive organ!
Ritchie: Will you stop it? You're being the mayor of Pussytown!

Jack Wyatt: I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown!

Ritchie: I want you to get out there and be the sheriff of Ballsville!
Valet: [to Isabel, who is trying to convince Jack that she is actually a witch] Miss, could you direct me to your car.

Jack Wyatt: [sarcastically] Oh, she doesn't need a car, she has a broomstick.
Maria Kelly: When my first husband left me I was so angry I wanted to cut his brake cables... but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.
Jack Wyatt: Endora, you rancid fruit bag, get out of my room.
Jack Wyatt: Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo...

Isabel Bigelow: I have to undo this...

Jack Wyatt: Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!
Jack Wyatt: I'm going to be killed by a fictional character!

Uncle Arthur: Yes, you are.
Girl: [Nigel Bigelow does a double take at a pretty girl] Hey there! I have Hepatitis C!
Ritchie: That's it. You're fired.

Isabel Bigelow: Doesn't matter... I quit! Yeah, so you better call my agent.

Jim Fields: You don't have an agent.

Isabel Bigelow: Then call my cable man!
Isabel Bigelow: You're sweating again - I love it when you sweat!
Isabel Bigelow: [after quitting/being fired] I can't just walk back in there now.

Jack Wyatt: Once you show up in a golf cart, believe me, all is forgiven. I've done it a lot of times.
Jack Wyatt: Watch the road!

Uncle Arthur: Hey, is it Porsche, or Porsha?
Jack Wyatt: [reading a comment on his performance] I'm a tool?

Ritchie: Yeah, but a good tool. Like a jack-saw!
Maria Kelly: Oh, and when you go out with a guy be sure he has a brother or a friend who is single before you call me!
Maria Kelly: Look, you have three choices. You can either quit... give up... or get mad.

Isabel Bigelow: What would Samantha do?

[Looks at picture of Elizabeth Montgomery &sets things off in the studio lot]

Maria Kelly: She chose mad, right?
Jack Wyatt: Party at my house!
[first lines]

Isabel Bigelow: [Outside a house at which Isabel has just landed and made available for rent, furnished, with an open house today] It's perfect!

Realtor: Oh, great!

Isabel Bigelow: I'll take it.
[last lines]

Gladys Kravitz: [Standing at their window] Abner, come look! The new neighbors are movin' in!

Abner Kravitz: [Reading the newspaper] Not now, Gladys, I'm busy.

Isabel Bigelow: [Outside, in front of their new house, Jack lifts Isabel] Aaaah

Jack Wyatt: Ah, yes, now I'm going to... carry you across the threshold

[they enter]

Isabel Bigelow: Don't you think the front yard looks a little bare?

Jack Wyatt: No, I don't.

Isabel Bigelow: But I think it could use a little something.

Jack Wyatt: I-I-It's fine the way it is, honey.

[Nose wiggling sound, followed by cherry tree growing and blooming in the front yard]

Gladys Kravitz: Abner! A tree just appeard in the front yard!

[She faints]
Nina: Let's set fire to his trailer. Let's just do it.
Nina: We could electrocute him. There's ton of wires around here.
Nina: We have to make him quit. If we get naked pictures of him and pictures of farm animals, I could photoshop them.

Maria Kelly: That's an excellent idea!
Aunt Clara: Well what's your idea Little Miss Doubtful?

Nina: Well, I have a taser.

Maria Kelly: Nina.

Nina: I think we should taser him and throw him into the shark tank at Seaworld.
Jack Wyatt: [under Isabel's spell] Where art thou dog? Thy canine lover? / Where is thy hot breath on the nape of my neck? / We shall form a bond, man and beast. / You will lick my face and I shall lick your snout.

[spell breaks]

Jack Wyatt: Er guys, I swear I'm not doing this on purpose.
Jack Wyatt: Where is my dog? I will die if I do not have him back! Do you understand me? I WILL DIE IF I DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK!
Nina: There must be a solution!

Isabel Bigelow: No, there isn't. We're at The Coffee Bean, and there is... no... solution.
Jack Wyatt: Umm... This is terrible!

Uncle Arthur: I know! I just... love to blend!
Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?

Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.
Jack Wyatt: So, were your parents in the witch business?

Isabel Bigelow: Both of them. My mother fixed the 1986 World Series.

Stu Robison: Someone make a note of that.
Isabel Bigelow: Your life is total instant gratification, Daddy.

Nigel Bigelow: It's fantastic, isn't it?

Isabel Bigelow: No. No, it's not. Because how do you know that anyone really loves you for yourself? It's like those rich men who are never sure why women sleep with them.

Nigel Bigelow: But women sleep with them, so it's not really a problem.
Isabel Bigelow: I'm gonna be an actress in a television series.

Maria Kelly: She's going to play Samantha on Bewitched!

Nigel Bigelow: Bewitched?

[appalled]

Nigel Bigelow: That's an *insult* to our way of life!

Maria Kelly: [laughs] Your dad is a hoot!
Isabel Bigelow: [crying in her father's arms] Isn't there a spell that can make you stop crying?

Nigel Bigelow: No, darling, there isn't.

Isabel Bigelow: He's idiotic, and yet I find him completely charming. It's been like that since the beginning. Only now, I also hate him.

Nigel Bigelow: [nods] Love.

Isabel Bigelow: Daddy, what am I gonna do?

Nigel Bigelow: Go home.

Isabel Bigelow: Where's that?

Nigel Bigelow: Wherever you've been the happiest.
Nigel Bigelow: The valley? Why would you want to live in the valley?

Isabel Bigelow: Because it's NORMAL
Jack Wyatt: [from teaser trailer] I'm hanging on to your broom. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!