Bedazzled Quotes

[reading Elliot the contract]

The Devil: Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit cooperation, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit.

Elliot Richards: Seven? Why not eight?

The Devil: Why not six? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.

[Reading the Devil's contract]

Elliot Richards: "I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned" - the Damned?

The Devil: How about "the Darned," sound better?

Elliot Richards: I wish I were the most sensitive man in the world.

The Devil: [Smiling] Right. Okay.

Elliot Richards: Oh, wait! I wish I were the most *emotionally* sensitive man in the world.

The Devil: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.

The Devil: How would you like to make one simple decision that'll change your life forever?

Elliot Richards: Ok, I'm glad scientology works for you but...

Elliot Richards: Oh, yeah. You've been a really big help so far.

The Devil: I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Maybe a good spanking's in order?

Elliot Richards: Is that all you ever think about? Do you think everything is about sex?

The Devil: No, of course not! I mean, there's greed, gluttony, sloth, anger, vanity, envy...

Elliot Richards: This is breaking and entering!

The Devil: I know! It's fun, isn't it?

Elliot Richards: No! That's not fair.

The Devil: Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody ever accusing me of being fair before. I think I'm insulted.

McDonalds Employee: Hi, how ya doin'. What can I get you?

The Devil: A Big Mac and a large Coke.

McDonalds Employee: Fries?

The Devil: No.

McDonalds Employee: It comes to $3.47.

The Devil: [to Elliot] Do you have $3.47? I left my purse in the Underworld.

The Devil: [about souls] It's like your appendix. You'll never even miss it.

Elliot Richards: Yeah? Well, if it's so useless, then how come you want it so much?

The Devil: Oh, aren't you a clever one?

The Devil: You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough but no. All people want to know about is Him. Like He's so bloody fascinating!

Elliot Richards: So He's a man?

The Devil: Yeah, most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.

Elliot Richards: I'm starting to think that women don't really know what they want.

The Devil: Amen!

[When he realizes what his first wish has turned him into]

Elliot Richards: [in Spanish] Oh, shit, I'm a Colombian drug lord.

Elliot Richards: But it's my soul! I can't give you my *soul*.

The Devil: What are you, James Brown?

The Devil: You're so nervous, Elliot.

Elliot Richards: How do you know my name?

The Devil: I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.

Elliot's Cellmate: So what you in for, brother?

Elliot Richards: Eternity.

Elliot's Cellmate: Ooh, that's a long time.

[Elliot is trying to prove he isn't gay]

Jerry: [as Lance] Oh, this is just sad!

Elliot Richards: Will you shut up, bitch!

[to the Devil]

Elliot Richards: I think somebody's had tee many martoonis.

[singing to Alison as sensitive guy]

Elliot Richards: Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea.

[making dolphin noise]

Elliot Richards: ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.

[the Devil shows up on Elliot's computer screen]

Elliot Richards: What are you doing here?

The Devil: Just think of me as a computer virus.

Elliot Richards: I think of you as a PLAGUE! Now will you get off my screen! I have work to do!

The Devil: Whoa, whoa, what's this "get thee behind me" thing?

[frowns]

The Devil: We still have business here, Mr. Richards.

Elliot Richards: No, not now. I told you, I've got work to do. And besides, I've only got two wishes left.

The Devil: Correction: you have one wish left.

Elliot Richards: [chuckles in disbelief] Nice try. I've got two more coming.

The Devil: Nuh-uh. Count 'em, baby. You were President of the United States.

Elliot Richards: [rolling his eyes, holding up one finger] Yeah, okay, one.

The Devil: You were a handsome, articulate, celebrated author and raconteur.

Elliot Richards: [now holding up two fingers] Yeah, and you turned me into a flaming homosexual.

The Devil: Pro basketball player.

Elliot Richards: [holds up three fingers] Three.

The Devil: The caring, artistic guy was four.

Elliot Richards: [holding up four fingers] And the Columbian drug lord was five! That means I have two more coming.

The Devil: You forgot the Big Mac and Coke.

Elliot Richards: [again chuckling in disbelief] What? That wasn't a wish.

The Devil: Well, what would you call it? You said, "I wish," and I got it for you. Sounds like a wish to me.

Elliot Richards: [now peeved] No! No, no, no, no. That's not fair.

The Devil: [angry] Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody accusing me of being fair before. I think I'm insulted!

Elliot Richards: What? No. This isn't right! You can't do this!

The Devil: What are you gonna do? Sue me?

Elliot Richards: No, that's it! I've had it with you! The whole deal is off. Off!

[being hauled away by policemen]

Elliot Richards: I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a HAMBURGER!

Elliot Richards: Maybe I should call you a cab... Although it's gonna be hard to find one that'll *go to Hell* this time of night!

The Devil: OOOOOOh. What a delightfully piquant wit.

The Devil: I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you. I do Elliot. I think you have massive potential. If you're looking at an eternity in hell, let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt to have a friend like me.

[kisses his ear]

Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: It's already won the Poo-litzer Prize and it hasn't even been poo-blished, yet!

Elliot Richards: Well, like they say, Dr. Oingegedaydegegdeaybaba, a Pulitzer Prize and a$3.50 will get you a café latte.

[Elliot as the most emotionally sensitive man, cries over the same sunset three times in a row]

Elliot Richards: WHEN IS THAT DARN THING GONNA SET!

Elliot Richards: You can't give sick people 'tic tacs!'

The Devil: Sick people have notoriously bad breath, I'm performing a public service here.

The Devil: I saw you talking to a woman.

Elliot Richards: Um, yeah, but, I'm not with her.

The Devil: But you'd like to be. Huh?

Elliot Richards: What makes you say that?

The Devil: Oh, I dont know, when a man says he'd give anything to have a certain woman in his life, I just assume she means something to him.

Elliot Richards: [confused] How did you hear -- I was way over...

The Devil: I have fantastic hearing!

[the Devil is reading Allison's diary]

Elliot Richards: You can't read that, that's private stuff!

The Devil: You're telling me, listen to this. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life. I never did get any of the guys' names, but I brought them back home and all five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum".

Elliot Richards: What?

The Devil: Kidding.

Elliot Richards: I think you're hot.

The Devil: Baby, you've got no idea...

Elliot's Cellmate: She's the devil that one.

Elliot Richards: What?

Elliot's Cellmate: I said she's the devil... that lady cop.

Elliot Richards: Oh... yea. I guess.

Elliot's Cellmate: So what are you in for brother?

Elliot Richards: Eternity

Elliot's Cellmate: Oooo... that's a long time. You must have done some really bad shit.

Elliot Richards: Yea. I sold my soul.

Elliot's Cellmate: Hope you got something good for it.

Elliot Richards: As a matter of fact, I got nothing for it.

Elliot's Cellmate: Well that's a really bad deal if you ask me.

Elliot Richards: Well I'm not asking you.

Elliot's Cellmate: Doesn't really matter, though. Can't sell your soul anyway.

Elliot Richards: Oh, really? Why do you say that?

Elliot's Cellmate: Because it doesn't really belong to you in the first place. No way, no how.

Elliot Richards: So who does it belong to?

Elliot's Cellmate: It belongs to God. That universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence. The Devil's gonna try to confuse you, that's her game. But in the end, you're gonna see clear to who and what you are, and what you're here to do. Now, you gonna make some mistakes along the way, everybody does. But if you just open up your heart, and open up your mind, you'll get it.

Elliot Richards: ...Who are you?

Elliot's Cellmate: [smiles] Just a friend, brother. Just a really good friend.

[after Elliot succeeds in keeping his soul]

Elliot Richards: I don't get it, though. Why are you, you know... being nice?

The Devil: Look, Elliot, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The whole good-and-evil thing? You know...

[points skyward]

The Devil: Him and me? It really comes down to you. You don't have to look very hard for heaven or hell. They're right here on Earth. You make the choice, and I guess you just made it.

Eduardo: Buenos días señor, le apetece algo de comer?

Elliot Richards: Como dices? Yo no hablo español... un momento! estoy hablando en español! Que diablos! Realmente estoy hablando en español!

[laughs]

Elliot Richards: Que tal que Mrs Klein mi profesora de español me pudiera oir, ella siempre decía que yo no podía juntar dos frases, seguro estaba equivocada...

[shouts]

Elliot Richards: Hola! Mucho Gusto! Me llamo Elliot! Hola Juan, hola Esteban, dónde esta esa biblioteca? esa es la casa de mi tía, no gracias, soy alérgico a los crustaceos

[laughs again]

Eduardo: Señor, se siente bien?

Elliot Richards: Muy bien! mejor no podría estar!

[Elliot as the most emotionally sensitive man is being abandoned by Alison]

Elliot: I can't handle this kind of rejection. Why don't you want to stay?

Alison: You want to know why, Elliot? Because you're just *too* sensitive! I'm about to go out of my mind! It's been wonderful, and God knows I love you, but enough is enough! I just want to be with a man who'll ignore me and take me for granted, who's only pretending to be interested in who I am and what I think so he can get into my pants.

Jerry: That would be me.

Alison: Oh, thank you! Let's get out of here.

Elliot: Alison! Wait! Alison! I'll get into your pants!

[Elliot has just wished to be the President of the United States; his wish pulls him into the lobby of an antiquated theater with Alison appearing as a courtly woman in 1860s garb]

Alison Gardner: Mr. President! Alison Gardner. We're so honored to have you here, sir.

[Elliot turns to look in the mirror and realizes he's Abraham Lincoln on April 14th, 1865 at Ford's Theatre - the night of his asssassination]

Elliot Richards: Oh, no, no, no, no.

Alison Gardner: The actors are beside themselves with excitement.

Elliot Richards: We're going to a play?

Alison Gardner: I think you'll find it quite amusing. It's called "Our American Cousin".

Elliot Richards: You know, I think I've seen it. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.

Alison Gardner: I don't think you've seen it, sir. It's an entirely new play.

Elliot Richards: Really? I think I know how it ends.

[Elliot as his 7'6'' basketball player self - dressed only in a towel - is being interviewed in the locker room by Alison who is now a sports writer]

Alison Gardner: God, you were incredible tonight. Watching you... I just kept thinking how unbelievably *big* your ego must be after a game like that.

Elliot Richards: Well, not that big, really.

Alison Gardner: I bet it's pretty big.

Elliot Richards: Well, it gets a little bit bigger.

[they both laugh]

Elliot Richards: Depends on how happy I am!

[laughing harder]

Elliot Richards: Want to go back to my place? I'll show you my bottle cap collection.

Alison Gardner: Oh, God, that would... that would be tremendous.

Elliot Richards: All right! Well... I should... I should get dressed.

Alison Gardner: I can't wait.

[Alison makes it clear she's not going anywhere. Elliot sheepishly disrobes his towel; though the audience can't see, it's clear from their reactions that Elliot's great height may be compensating for something...]

Alison Gardner: Oh, my God.

Elliot Richards: [howling] Hey! What the hell?

Alison Gardner: God, there's this...

Elliot Richards: [Alison holds her ears in pain as Elliot howls again] Hey! Damn! Oh, heck!

Alison Gardner: Oh, God, I remembered there's this teeny, tiny thing to do.

Elliot Richards: What's teeny?

Alison Gardner: No, no. Just something I have to write.

Elliot Richards: About me?

Alison Gardner: Yeah, just a little, short, itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game.

Elliot Richards: Well, can I see you after the road trip?

Alison Gardner: I would love to, but I'm working on a really *big, huge, enormous* story on the NFL, so I probably won't have time.

Elliot Richards: Shoot, I understand. You gotta give 110%.

Alison Gardner: Right.

Elliot Richards: Stay within yourself.

Alison Gardner: Hey, go, yeah. Hey, um... thanks for your time.

Elliot Richards: So long.

[she leaves; Elliot looks down at himself]

Elliot Richards: What the hell? Oh, damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!

[Elliot is Abraham Lincoln on the night of his assassination; John Wilkes Booth tears into the President's booth]

John Wilkes Booth: [pulling a gun] Sic semper tyrannis!

Elliot Richards: Wait, wait!

[Elliott presses 666 into the pager]

Elliot Richards: [weakly] Okay...

[Booth shoots Elliott, but not before he is pulled back into the present]

[Two of Elliott's friends are sportscasters during the basketball wish]

Jerry: The fans are going nuts here at the Forum in Los Angeles. The score, 135 to 85. Elliot Richards has totally dominated. If you're just tuning in, it's a shame because you've missed one of the greatest performances in the history of sports.

Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: Absolutely, Jerry. Absolutely. People say basketball caught fire with the ass-sendry of Michael Jordan. But after what we've seen here tonight, a lot of people are gonna be saying, Michael who?

Jerry: Right from the get-go, the fans took a look at Elliot Richards and a few women fainted and a few fellas, well, I'd rather not say, but they liked what they saw.

Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: Absolutely. He's a big fella and an imposing fella.

Jerry: He's enormous. He's listed at 7'6 in the program, but I say he plays, like you said, 11 feet tall.

Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: No, I don't think he's that big, Jerry.

Jerry: No, I'm saying the game he plays is that of some Viking giant with a basketball in one hand and a club in the other and standing 10, 11, 12 feet tall!

[after Elliot the basketball player makes a slam dunk and breaks the backboard glass]

Dr. Ngegitigegitibaba: [as Elliot is doing so] Elliot Richards: spittin' glass at your ass!

Alison Gardner: I just had to tell you how much I loved your novel "Always Toujours."

Elliot Richards: Well, I was just trying to make a simple point, really. Every time I've reread Camus and Sartre, I kept thinking to myself, "Why does the existential dilemma have to be so damned bleak?"

Alison Gardner: Yes.

Elliot Richards: Yes, we're alone in the universe. Yes, life is meaningless, death is inevitable. But is that necessarily so depressing?

Alison Gardner: I couldn't agree more. Don't you think secular humanism is yummy?

Elliot Richards: Oh, delish.

[At a hospital, the Devil - dressed as a nurse - is setting up pill cases with candy]

Elliot Richards: You can't give sick people Tic-Tacs!

The Devil: Sick people have notoriously bad breath. I'm performing a public service here.

Elliot Richards: Who are you?

The Devil: Promise not to tell anyone?

Elliot Richards: Yeah.

The Devil: Cross your heart and hope to die?

[Elliot nods]

The Devil: [whispering in Elliot's ear] I'm the Devil.