Batman Quotes

[first lines]

Narrator: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention *and* its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into The Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as *Batman and Robin*, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue!

Commissioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

Batman: We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...

Chief O'Hara: Take over *what*, Batman? Gotham City?

Batman: Any *two* of them would try that!

Commissioner Gordon: The whole country?

Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but *four*? Their minimum objective must be... the *entire* world.

The Riddler: I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!

The Penguin: How?

The Riddler: How? The end! The end, oh...

[giggles]

The Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

[giggles again]

The Riddler: The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You! Catwoman!

The Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, Where has it got us now?

The Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: [on the phone] Avast and belay, Batman. Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?

Batman: [reproachfully] Disposing of pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses... Good day, Admiral!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: [they hang up] Gosh!

Commissioner Gordon: It could be any one of them. But which one? Which ones?

Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder.

Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish there could be a Penguin?

Robin: But wait! It happened at sea. See? C for Catwoman!

Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...

Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!

Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-R. Riddler!

Commissioner Gordon: Oh, the thought strikes me. So dreadful, I scarcely dare give it utterance.

Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined.

Robin: Holy nightmare!

Commissioner Gordon: A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.

Batman: What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.

Chief O'Hara: The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?

Batman: A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger, to lure me into a trap.

Commissioner Gordon: A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.

Chief O'Hara: You mean, when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?

Batman: Precisely.

Commissioner Gordon: And who behind it? Not a clue.

Batman: Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?

Commissioner Gordon: I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.

Bonnie: Yes, Commissioner.

Commissioner Gordon: Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.

[the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]

Closed Circuit TV Screen: Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.

Batman: The Penguin.

Commissioner Gordon: That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro a million criminal umbrellas.

Robin: The Joker.

Chief O'Hara: Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!

Commissioner Gordon: What, the Riddler loose too?

Batman: So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

Robin: Gosh! And the Catwoman!

Closed Circuit TV Screen: End of status report.

The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

[Batman and Robin look at each other]

Robin: Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.

Batman: Obviously.

Robin: What's his game, I wonder.

[Batman turns back to the Penguin]

Batman: What's your game, Penguin?

The Penguin: Penguin?

[laughs]

The Penguin: No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

Robin: [after Batman manages to safely allow a bomb to explode without injuring himself] You risked your life to save that... riff-raff in the bar!

Batman: They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're also human beings - and may be salvaged. I had to do it!

Robin: When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing someone hasn't already reported this place to the police!

Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

Robin: Gosh, drinking's sure a filthy thing isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

Batman: Uh-uh.

The Joker: Have you heard this one? It'll *kill* you, Batman!

[laughs evilly]

The Catwoman: [meows] You're going to see the purr-fect crime, when I get Batman in my claws!

[hisses]

[Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building]

Robin: Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!

Batman: Let's hope that it's a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine - The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

Robin: [pointing toward the sky] That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!

Batman: [reading a skywritten message] "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"

Robin: An egg!

Batman: [reading another skywritten message] "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"

Robin: Make applesauce!

Batman: [thinking out loud] Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.

Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!

Batman: Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...

Robin: Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!

Batman: No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!

The Penguin: Waugh waugh!

The Joker: [mocking] Waugh waugh!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: ...to some chap named P.N. Guin.

Batman: P.N. Guin?

Robin: The Penguin!

Batman: Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as l do. One. What has yellow skin and writes?

Robin: A ball-point banana!

Batman: Right. Two. What people are always in a hurry?

Robin: Rushing people? Russians!

Batman: Right again. Now, what would you say they mean?

Robin: Banana. Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck!

Batman: Precisely, Robin!

Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles.

Chief O'Hara: [reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?

Robin: He gobbles up!

Chief O'Hara: Of course.

Batman: And, number two...

Commissioner Gordon: [reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?

Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!

Commissioner Gordon: Yes, of course.

The Riddler: You and your trained, exploding shark!

The Penguin: Ah, crack! How should I to know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy? Why, you sniveling sardine!

The Riddler: And you pompous, puffed-up, Penguin!

The Joker: Suppose Penguin did fail! All the more reason not to hand them your crazy clues!

The Riddler: Oh, but I must, I must! Why, outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise!

Robin: Are you sure you didn't hurt your head in that fight, Batman?

Batman: Perfectly. Here, swallow this pill.

Robin: Thanks.

The Riddler: This bird has flown around the bend.

The Joker: To cuckoo to land!

The Catwoman: Riddler! Joker! Do something! We weren't meant for a watery grave, DO SOMETHING!

The Joker: Now hear this! Now hear this! Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!

The Catwoman: Riddler.

The Riddler: Yes?

The Catwoman: You're mad, Riddler. Penguin finished Batman by now.

The Riddler: Why, that miserable waddling mountebank of a bird? He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn!

Miss Kitka: [to Batman] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?

Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?

Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!

Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.

Miss Kitka: Impossible?

Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.

Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.

Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.

Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.

Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes...

Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.

Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?

Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.

Robin: Support your police! That's our message!

Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.

Robin: Holy demolition!

Alfred: Bless my dustpan!

[Penguin's submarine has been fired upon by Batman and Robin]

The Catwoman: Penguin, you know I can't take water!

The Penguin: You cowardly kitten! You want to live forever?

Bluebeard: Ahoy, Catwoman!

Miss Kitka: [slaps him] Imbecile, how many times have I told you? Never use my real name in public.

The Catwoman: [to her cat] Sic 'em, Hecate. Scratch out their eyes.

The Penguin: Take away that ravenous panther!

The Riddler: So help me, Catwoman, I'll feed him to the birds.

The Joker: I'll incapacitate the beast with my trick confetti!

Batman: [at a press conference] You there, Miss...

Miss Kitka: Comrade Kitanya lrenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff. I am from 'The Moscow Bugle'.

Batman: You grace us with your presence. May I be of service?

The Riddler: How did it go, Catwoman?

The Catwoman: Purrfectly. Purrfectly. In my disguise as Kitka, I penetrated their press conference. The fools are completely baffled.

Commodore Schmidlapp: Your face has the most ghastly pallor. Are you getting enough of the good ole sea air?

The Joker: Oh, my duties keep me mostly undercover, sir.

Commodore Schmidlapp: Any notion how much longer this yacht will remain here, fogbound off the Grand Banks?

The Joker: Oh, I really couldn't say, sir.

Commodore Schmidlapp: Oh well, gives me a jolly good chance to get caught up on my Dickens.

Commodore Schmidlapp: Should be worth millions of Yankee dollars, pip-pip!

The Joker: Oh! Well, pip-pip to you, sir!

The Joker: Don't sound so bossy! If you please.

The Penguin: My dear, sir, as the poet says: "On land, you may command. At sea, it is me." Waa-waa!

Robin: Holy glue pot! What's going on?

Batman: The fiends! They've converted this buoy into a gigantic magnet! It's got us by the - metallic objects in our utility belts.

The Riddler: You and your reconditioned war surplus torpedoes!

The Penguin: He must be using a super energy reverse polarizer!

The Penguin: Capital! But who are we going to kidnap?

The Riddler: I know the perfect victim. I know the perfect victim! l know the perfect victim! Bruce Wayne, the millionaire head of that disgusting do-gooding Wayne Foundation.

The Joker: Oo! Ooo! Delicious! Just the sort of square citizen Batman will dash to rescue.

Bruce Wayne: Kitka. Kitka, a charming acronym.

Miss Kitka: Thank you, Comrade Wayne. You know, the fame of The Wayne Foundation is known from Leningrad to Kamchatka. It works for peace and understanding. But, your own picture has appeared countless times in 'The Moscow Bugle'.

Bruce Wayne: I'm most grateful, I wasn't aware of that.

Miss Kitka: Oh, da, da.

Bruce Wayne: You say you found these riddles written on Wayne Foundation stationery slipped under the door of your borrowed penthouse apartment?

Miss Kitka: Yes, Comrade Wayne. That is why I brought them to you. At first, I thought it was some foolishness. But, then l remembered: is there not a bourgeois criminal cad in this country called the Riddler, who preys upon the workers of America?

Bruce Wayne: Your jargon is quaint, Miss Kitka. But there is such a creature, I believe.

Miss Kitka: What? What do we do now? Report these riddles to your police or perhaps to that masked Cossack, Batman?

Bruce Wayne: Well, that's hardly necessary at the moment.

Alfred: What is the scheme, Sir?

Batman: Tonight, Bruce Wayne will go out on the town with Miss Kitka.

Alfred: A not displeasing chore, Sir.

Batman: lndeed, Alfred! I've rarely met a girl who is such a potent argument in favor of international relations.

Batman: You'll keep constant watch via the Micro-TV Batscanner.

Robin: Sure! And if the Riddler tries to make good on his filthy threat...

Batman: l'll - bash him - brutally.

Batman: Alfred, do you have your driver's license?

Alfred: In my wallet, Sir.

Batman: Good man! Drive carefully. Good luck! Good hunting! This may prove to be a most memorable night.

Bruce Wayne: This curtain which separates our countries is so foolish. If we could just contrive some way of getting more deeply involved with each other.

Miss Kitka: Oh, da. Da, we must search for such a method.

Miss Kitka: How purrfectly wonderful of you! Mmm. I close my eyes and l dream of all those savage Cossacks racing over the steppes on their brutal mission.

Bruce Wayne: How strange. I close my eyes, and l dream of something quite astonishingly different.

Miss Kitka: Da, da. Keep your eyes closed. Continue with this dream.

Bruce Wayne: The dream continues.

Miss Kitka: Da, da.

Bruce Wayne: lt approaches a climax.

Miss Kitka: Not, nyet. Not so fast. Be more slow.

The Penguin: He swallowed the Catbait!

The Joker: And now to make him Batbait.

Bruce Wayne: "And all my days are trances, And all my nightly dreams, Are where thy dark eye glances, And where thy footstep gleams"

Miss Kitka: ...Comrade Wayne?

Bruce Wayne: Edgar Allan Poe, Miss Kitka. "To One in Paradise," first stanza.

Miss Kitka: About that dream you had...

Bruce Wayne: Do we dare?

Miss Kitka: Why not?

Bruce Wayne: Yes, of course. Why not? Of what use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action?

Miss Kitka: Oh, into action, Comrade.

Bruce Wayne: Miss Kitka, I have the strangest feeling that l am about to be utterly and madly carried away.

Bruce Wayne: I've got it. Why didn't l think of it sooner?

Miss Kitka: Of what, Comrade Wayne?

Bruce Wayne: Up my left sleeve I have a tiny radio transmitter strapped above my elbow.

Miss Kitka: What a curious device to carry.

Bruce Wayne: Not at all, Miss Kitka. Capitalists, like myself, who carry large sums of money, often have such safety contrivances.

Bruce Wayne: Quickly, wiggle around back-to-back. Maybe you can reach it with your fingers.

Miss Kitka: Da.

The Riddler: The Dynamic Duo has been silenced forever.

The Joker: And blasted out of the sky by a coincidence! Oh, the delicious irony of it! Downed by one of Riddler's Polaris skywriters.

The Penguin: Oh, happy happenstance! Now, hold your breaths as we cross the hall. There are still lingering traces of my finely filtered Penguin gas.

Robin: Where does that elevator go?

Batman: Downstairs, obviously, to an abandoned submarine dock on the river.

Robin: Holy Captain Nemo! They'll head for sea by way of Short lsland Sound.

Batman: Robin. Over here, look. The hope of the world, tottering on the brink!

Robin: Holy almost!

Batman: To think, it might have been shattered before our very eyes.

Batman: [on the Batphone] Yes, Commissioner?

Commissioner Gordon: What progress, Batman? ls there hope?

Batman: There's always hope. You should know that, Sir.

Commissioner Gordon: Of course, of course.