Batman Returns Quotes

Selina Kyle: Wow, *the* Batman - or is it just "Batman"? Uh, your choice, of course!

[Batman walks away]

Selina Kyle: Well, that was very brief. Just like all the men in my life.

[addressing a huge flock of penguins]

The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.

Batman: You're not the mayor.

The Penguin: Things change.

Batman: What do you want?

The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.

[laughs, then turns serious]

The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Batman: Things change.

[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]

Catwoman: Meow.

[a store explodes, she slips off]

The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!

Fat Clown: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...

[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]

The Penguin: No! It's a lot "uh"!

[Kicks Henchman into the water]

[Shreck sees the Penguin]

The Penguin: Hi.

[Shreck opens his mouth several times, but nothing comes out]

The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is... "Aaahh"!

The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!

Batman: You might be right.

The Penguin: [to his penguins] My babies. Did you miss me?

[he gets out of his wooden duck]

The Penguin: Did you miss me?

Henchman: Great speech, Oswald.

[Penguin hits him]

The Penguin: [shouting] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!

[the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]

The Penguin: Say cheese!

Ice Princess: Cheese!

[he throws it at her]

[the Organ Grinder's monkey approachs]

The Penguin: So where are all the children?

[the monkey hands him a note with a bat symbol on it]

The Penguin: "Dear Penguin. The children regret they are unable to attend - Batman."

[the Penguin screams]

[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]

The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.

[hurls away the umbrella]

The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.

[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]

Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it.

[silence as they realize each other's identities]

Selina Kyle: Oh, my God. Does this mean we have to start fighting?

Bruce Wayne: Let's go outside.

Catwoman: Somebody say fish? I haven't be fed all day!

Batman: Eat floor.

[throws Catwoman down]

Batman: High fiber.

Charles 'Chip' Shreck: Dad, you buy that "blurry" business?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Women. Nothing surprises me, Chip, except your late mother. Who'd have thought Selina had a brain to damage. Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry.

[last lines]

Alfred: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mister Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.

[first lines]

Happy Woman: Merry Christmas!

Happy Man: Merry Christmas!

Selina Kyle: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Actually, it's a lot like that.

[seeing Bruce Wayne in a tuxedo at a masquerade party]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let me guess... trust fund goody-goody?

Security #2: Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home's less than three-hundred.

Catwoman: You're overpaid. Hit the road.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Selina! Selina Kyle, you're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?

Catwoman: Because he *is* Batman, you moron!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Was.

[shoots Batman]

[Catwoman is hit]

Catwoman: How could you? I'm a woman.

Batman: I'm sorry, I-I...

[she hits him]

Catwoman: As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.

Volunteer Bimbo: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!

The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.

[crouched atop a dazed Batman]

Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.

Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.

Batman: I tried to save you.

Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.

[the Batmobile is evading the police. Batman flips a switch on the control panel, and nothing happens]

Batman: That's funny.

[Flips switch again. Nothing happens]

Batman: Alright, NOW I'm a little worried.

[Slaps control panel; Batmobile morphs into the Batmissile]

The Penguin: Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.

Catwoman: No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

Alfred: Let's not forget about repairing the Batmobile. There's certain security to consider. It's not as though we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop," is it, sir?

Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working and I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."

Catwoman: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?

The Penguin: Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.

[plotting against Batman]

Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.

The Penguin: A plan is forming.

Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.

[licks herself in a cat-like manner]

Commissioner Gordon: Thanks for the saving the day, Batman. I'm afraid the circus gang is back.

Batman: We'll see.

Selina Kyle: It's gonna be a hot time on the cold town tonight.

Bruce Wayne: You-you've got kind of a - kind of a dark side, don't you?

Selina Kyle: No darker than yours, Bruce.

Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.

The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...

[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]

The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.

Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.

The Penguin: Ointment!

[jumps up and picks up two bottles]

The Penguin: Scented or unscented?

Catwoman: I'll come back later.

Bruce Wayne: The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's the meaning.

Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. And I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye, so...

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck?

Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess we're gonna find out. Course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so it might...

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Crime boss? Shows what you know, Mr. to-the-manor-born-with-a-silver-spoon. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies at prep school!

[the Circus Gang passes Penguin a large Christmas stocking labeled "Max." He reaches in and takes out a large thermos]

The Penguin: A batch of toxic waste from your "clean" textile plant.

[pours it into a dish]

The Penguin: There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: That could have come from anywhere.

The Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.

The Penguin: Ah, good idea!

[he reaches into the stocking and pulls out a sheaf of documents]

The Penguin: A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: [starting to lose his composure] Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.

The Penguin: Good?

[Penguin takes out a severed hand]

The Penguin: [imitating a ventriloquist] Hiya, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any of the other body parts? Remember, Max: you flush it, I flaunt it.

Catwoman: Bruce... I would - I would love to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.

[Batman caresses the back of her head]

Catwoman: [she claws Batman on the cheek] I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!

[Shreck shoots Batman]

Selina Kyle: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... that's... three lives down. You got enough in there to finish me off?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: One way to find out.

[Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman]

Selina Kyle: Four... Five...

[cracks her whip]

Selina Kyle: Still alive!

[Shreck fires two more]

Selina Kyle: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven...

[now within reach of Shreck; he pulls the trigger, but there are no bullets left; she laughs hysterically]

Selina Kyle: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime, how about a kiss, Santy Claus?

[grabs ahold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss]

The Penguin: [spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on] What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?

The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it's not working.

[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]

The Penguin: Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.

Alfred: Why are you still out? Are you concerned about that strange, heroic Penguin person?

Batman: I think he knows who his parents are. There's something else.

Bruce Wayne: [notices Selina's injuries] What happened?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back?

Selina Kyle: You know, it's... a blur. I-I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I - I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg.

[smile vanishes]

Selina Kyle: He's dead now. But last night: complete blur. Couldn't you just die?

Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?

[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]

The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.

[they both laugh again]

Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...

[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: So he survived. What's the worry?

The Penguin: He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!

Catwoman: It's chilly in here.

The Penguin: I'll warm you.

Catwoman: You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.

The Penguin: She looked pretty scared to me!

Selina Kyle: [Selina walks Bruce to the elevator] You don't seem like the type who does business with Mr. Shreck.

Bruce Wayne: No, you don't seem like the type that takes orders from him.

Selina Kyle: Well, that's a... long story.

Bruce Wayne: You know, I could... free up some time.

[Bruce walks in elevator]

Selina Kyle: I'm listed.

Bruce Wayne: I'm tempted.

Selina Kyle: I'm working.

Bruce Wayne: [Elevator doors close] I'm leaving!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I wish I could hand out World Peace and Unconditional Love, wrapped in a big bow.

The Penguin: [Watching from behind the sewer grill] Oh, but you can! Oh, but you will!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels, a *very* big ball of string.

Catwoman: Your blood, Max.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave, at the office.

Catwoman: A half pint, I'm talking gallons.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal, other than my blood. What can I do for you?

Catwoman: Sorry, Max, a die for a die!

Selina Kyle: Well, the party never stops on Selina Kyle's answering machine...

[sits on the couch and removes her shoes]

[the Circus Gang approaches the podium]

Organ Grinder: We want the big guy! The guy who runs the show!

The Mayor: [stepping forward] What do you want?

Organ Grinder: Not you!

[the Clown backhands the Mayor]

Organ Grinder: Shreck!

Charles 'Chip' Shreck: [stepping forward] You'll have to go through me!

[a dozen guns, knives, and swords are pointed into his face]

Circus Gang: Ooooh!

The Penguin: You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.

The Penguin: I don't, so no.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?

The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'd offer you a coffee, but my assistant is using her vacation time.

Bruce Wayne: Good time, too. Everyone but the bandits will be slacking off till after New Year, anyway.

Bruce Wayne: Here's what I want you to do... tell Selina - tell Miss Kyle in there - tell her, uh, tell her I had to go out of town, a big business deal came up or some... no, you know what? Tell her, you know, not in some dumb, "be my girlfriend" kind of way...

Alfred: I will relay the message.

Bruce Wayne: Great.

[runs out]

Alfred: Miss Kyle...

Selina Kyle: Alfred, hi!

Alfred: Mr. Wayne told me to tell you...

Selina Kyle: Mr. Wayne? Oh, Bruce. Yes. Um, would you tell him for me that, uh, I've been going through a lot of changes, and... no. Um, just that this is not a rejection, my abruptly leaving. In fact, he makes me feel the way I hope I really am... no! Could you just make up a sonnet or something? A dirty limerick?

Alfred: One has just sprung to mind.

Selina Kyle: Thanks!

[runs out]

[During the Mayor's speech, a Red Triangle Clown vaults on stage and grabs the Mayor's baby]

Acrobat Thug One: I'm not really one for speeches, so I'll just say: thanks.

Bruce Wayne: [reading news archives on the Red Triangle Circus] "Red Triangle Circus put on a swell show with fierce lions... circus returns with a Freak Show, may not be suitable for kids. Featuring a poodle lady, the world's fattest man... and an aquatic bird boy."

Alfred: Why are you so determined to prove this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?

Bruce Wayne: [continues reading] "... circus folded its tents yesterday, perhaps forever after numerous reports of missing children. In several towns, police have closed down the Red Triangle's fairgrounds, however at least one freak show performer vanished before he could be questioned."

Alfred: I suppose you feel better now, sir.

Bruce Wayne: No, actually I feel worse.

Bruce Wayne: [working on the Batcomputer. Alfred sets down a bowl of soup in front of him. He picks up the spoon and takes a sip, only to spit it out] Cold!

Alfred: It's vichyssoise.

Bruce Wayne: [stares, not knowing why it's important]

Alfred: It's *supposed* to be cold.

Bruce Wayne: Let me ask you something, Why'd you come tonight?

Selina Kyle: You first.

Bruce Wayne: To see you.

Selina Kyle: That's lovely, and I really wish I could say the same. But, I came for Max.

Bruce Wayne: What do you mean, you and... not you and Max?

Selina Kyle: [laughs maniacally] No. not me and Max...

[reaches down and pull a pistol out of her garter]

Selina Kyle: *this* and Max!

Bruce Wayne: [Frantically tries to cover the pistol]

Selina Kyle: Now *don't* give me a "Killing Max won't solve anything" speech, because it will. Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber baron always coming out on top, when he should be six feet under?

Bruce Wayne: Look, you may have problems with your boss, but who do you think you are?

Selina Kyle: [sighs, laughs] I don't know anymore, Bruce.

[laughs again. They kiss]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: [Pulled out of the water by Catwoman] I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimal fuss.

[She lashes her whip at him]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Money. Jewels. A very big ball of string.

[He tries to run away, but she captures him with her whip and pulls him back to her]

Catwoman: Your blood, Max.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: My blood, I gave at the office.

Catwoman: A half-pint. I'm talking gallons.

[Batman comes in]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let's make a deal. Now that I've got my blood, what I can do for you?

Catwoman: Sorry, Max. A die for a die.

[More exploding rockets and Batman comes flying into the scene]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: [to Batman] You're not just saving a life, you're saving...

Batman: [pushes him away] Shut up. You're going to jail.

Catwoman: Don't be naive! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!

Batman: Wrong on both counts. Why are you doing this? Let's just take him to the police... then, we can go home... together. Selina... don't you see? We're the same. We're the same... Split right down the center.

[He pulls off his mask, revealing his identity as Bruce Wayne]

Batman: Selina, please.

Catwoman: Bruce, I would, I would to live with you in your castle... forever, just like in a fairy tale.

[He tries to touch her shoulder, she retaliates and scratches his face]

Catwoman: I just couldn't live with myself! So, don't pretend this is a happy ending!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Selina. Selina Kyle!

[She takes of her mask, revealing her identity as Selina Kyle]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: You're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman?

Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Was.

[He shoots Bruce in the shoulder; Selina, ready to go after Max]

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Don't!

Catwoman, Selina Kyle: You killed me, the Penguin killed me, Batman killed me. That's... three lives down! You got enough in there to finish me off?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: One way to find out.

[Shoots her twice]

Catwoman, Selina Kyle: Four, Five. Still alive!

[Max shoots her two more times and she groans in pain]

Catwoman, Selina Kyle: Six, Seven. All good girls go to Heaven.

[Max points the gun to her stomach and pulls the trigger, only to find the gun is now empty. She laughs, weak]

Catwoman, Selina Kyle: Two lives left. I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime...

[Pulls out a tazer]

Catwoman, Selina Kyle: How 'bout a kiss, Anti-Claus?

[Uses the tazer and an electrical wire to kill him, as the whole place's electrical wiring explodes. Suddenly, The Penguin coming up out of the water, weak and fatally injured; walks over to his umbrellas. Batman clears away the debris to find Max's fried corpse and Selina is nowhere to be found. Batman turns to the Penguin, reaches for an umbrella and takes it out]

The Penguin: Ugh! Shit!

[drops it, gagging]

The Penguin: I picked the cute one!

[gagging]

The Penguin: The heat's getting to me! Ugh! I'll murder you momentarily... But first, I need a cold drink of iced water!

[Gags, then fell and drops dead]

[Batman has rerouted the kamikaze penguins back to Penguin's lair]

The Penguin: MY BABIES!

Terrifying Clown #1: Take one step closer Mr. Man-Bat and I'll...

[uses with a stungun]

Tattooed Strongman: Yeah? Go ahead and hit me.

[punches him then chuckles and Batman looks down and saw a ticking bomb and punches him and falls off into the hole and explodes]

[Bruce and Selina meet at Max's masked ball. Out of the entire crowd, neither are wearing costumes or masks]

Bruce Wayne: [Awkwardly] Hi

Selina Kyle: Hi

Bruce Wayne: Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday but I had... a pretty big deal... come... through... fall through, actually.

Selina Kyle: It's okay, I had to go home and... uh... feed my cats.

[They dance]

Bruce Wayne: So, uh... no hard feelings then...

Selina Kyle: Actually... semi-hard, I'd say.

[pulls him close, whispering]

Selina Kyle: There's a big comfy California King over in bedding

[seductively]

Selina Kyle: whadd'ya say?

Bruce Wayne: We take off our costumes?

Selina Kyle: I guess I'm tired of wearing masks.

Bruce Wayne: Me too.