Barney's Version Quotes

Miriam: Are you out of your mind?

Barney Panofsky: No! I'm bent over backwards in love!

Barney Panofsky: ...and I'm just gonna keep talking here, 'cause I'm afraid that if I stop there's gonna be a pause or a break and you're gonna say 'It's getting late' or 'I should get going', and I'm not ready for that to happen. I don't want that to happen. Ever.

[they pause]

Miriam: There it was. The pause.

Barney Panofsky: Yeah.

Miriam: I'm still here.

2nd Mrs. P's Father: Are you saying you were gratuitously violent with suspected felons?

Izzy: Gratuitously? I always got paid, I ain't gonna work for free.

Barney Panofsky: Don't ever tell my father what he can or cannot do again.

2nd Mrs. P's Father: He traumatized the Rabbi's wife...

Barney Panofsky: I don't care if he fingered her under the table. He's my father and he'll have your respect.

Barney Panofsky: So you fucked her?

Boogie: It was the only thing that would shut her up.

Barney Panofsky: Should I sleep on the sofa?

Miriam: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're not sleeping on the sofa, we don't sleep apart. Good night.

Dr. Morty: What kind of car do you drive?

Barney Panofsky: Morty, that's fucking embarrassing.

Dr. Morty: Just answer it.

Barney Panofsky: A... you know, goddamn it... it's German... I can't even find the fucking thing. Why should I care what it's called?

Miriam: We can be friends now, can't we?

Barney Panofsky: No. We can't.

Miriam: I'm here for you if you'll let me. We had a beautiful marriage, but it's over. I want you to be at peace with that.

Barney Panofsky: Have I ever given up when it comes to you?

Miriam: Never.

Barney Panofsky: So what makes you think I would start now?

Miriam: Really? Well, words matter. Actions matter. They have consequences. If you want people to take you seriously, then act accordingly. Do you understand me, Barney?

Barney Panofsky: Yes

Miriam: What am I saying?

Barney Panofsky: Be great in act, as you have in thought

[first lines]

Blair: Hello?

Barney Panofsky: Blair, I'd like to speak with my wife.

Blair: Oh, Barney, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Barney Panofsky: Put my wife on the phone.

Blair: She's not your wife and I'm not waking her.

Barney Panofsky: All right. Well, then just ask her what she wants me to do with all these nude photos I have of her. Ah, come to think of it, you actually might want them, if only to see what Miriam looked like in her prime.

Blair: [hangs up]

Miriam: We were just gonna throw some burgers on the barbecue. Do you want to join us?

Blair: I'm a vegan. But thank you.

Barney Panofsky: A what? Is that treatable?