Bad Teacher Quotes

Shawn: LeBron is a better rebounder and passer.

Russell Gettis: LeBron will never beat Jordan. Call me when LeBron has six championships.

Shawn: That's your only argument?

Russell Gettis: It's the only argument I need Shawn!

Elizabeth Halsey: Sign my yearbook.

Russell Gettis: Hold my ball sack.

Russell Gettis: That was a nice thing you did for him.

Elizabeth Halsey: He was going through a difficult time.

Russell Gettis: I am going through a difficult time. May I have your panties?

Elizabeth Halsey: I'm not wearing any.

Elizabeth Halsey: Look Carl, I know that you are a very busy man; so I'm just gonna get right down to it. I've been speaking to various

[quick thinking pause]

Elizabeth Halsey: uh black citizens, who allege that your tests are biased toward white people and orientals.

Carl Halabi: Okay. Lemme tell you something right away. "A"... Orientals test better. "B"... every couple of years we get these cockamamie charges coming in from various parts of the state and - lemme duh-dat - You should hear the things that they call me! Racist. Faggatron. Faggy Hitler. Dick breath. Ok? But, I... am not a racist. I voted for Barack Obama. You can quote me on that.

Scott Delacorte: Hey, they don't make songs like this anymore, right?

Russell Gettis: Ya know, that's actually not true, Scott. I'm writing a song right now called 855824177 ext. 777.

[the police find Elizabeth's drug stash in Amy's desk]

Amy Squirrel: That is not mine. This isn't even my desk, it's hers.

Elizabeth Halsey: [with fake sympathy] Don't worry, Amy. We'll get you the help you need.

Amy Squirrel: [enraged] You MONSTER!

[lunges at Elizabeth, only to be dragged off by the police]

Lynn Davies: I love how his eyes sparkle.

Elizabeth Halsey: I want to sit on his face.

Russell Gettis: So i heard about the whole engagement thing. That blows.

Elizabeth Halsey: Did you know i walk in on him trying to fuck his dog. Peanut Butter everywhere.

Elizabeth Halsey: [takes bite out of an apple] I thought the teachers were supposed to get the apples.

Amy Squirrel: Well I think the students teach me at least as much as I teach them. That's just something I say sometimes.

Elizabeth Halsey: Stupid.

[tosses apple at a recycle bin and misses]

Scott Delacorte: Oh, I'm dry humping the shit out of you.

Elizabeth Halsey: Oh yeah, dry fuck the fuck out of me, Scott!

Scott Delacorte: Just stop talking.

School Secretary: [reading off desk sticker] Learning is fun-tastic.

Elizabeth Halsey: What'd you say to me?

Scott Delacorte: Thank you, Elizabeth, for listening.

Elizabeth Halsey: Scott, I want you to know you can talk to me about anything.

Scott Delacorte: Do you wanna fuck?

Elizabeth Halsey: Yes! But don't you have a girlfriend?

Elizabeth Halsey: Don't worry, I have the best solution.

Scott Delacorte: [Elizabeth and Scott start to dry hump each other in a hotel room] Your jeans feel so good against my jeans.

Elizabeth Halsey: Totally!

Scott Delacorte: Hey, your body feels so good.

Elizabeth Halsey: I need some water.

Scott Delacorte: I'm dry humping the shit out of you.

Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah, dry-fuck the fuck out of me, Scott!

Scott Delacorte: Just stop talking.

Scott Delacorte: I've been fantasizing about this ever since we got to Springfield.

Elizabeth Halsey: This? Me too.

Scott Delacorte: I'm close. Don't move. Here I go. Almost. Wait for it.

Scott Delacorte: Really close. Ready?

Elizabeth Halsey: Yeah. Come on baby, cum for me! Come on! Oh, yeah!

Scott Delacorte: Just stop talking! Oh, yeah. Almost there.

Elizabeth Halsey: [Scott cums on Elizabeth's back] Fuck! That was amazing! Well, I'm gonna get going. I don't want the kids to see me leaving your room.

Elizabeth Halsey: For the record, there's a shitload of things that I hate about you, but I still, would've gotten married. Because I love you.

Mark: I'm gonna need the ring back.

Elizabeth Halsey: You sad little troll! I hope you and your hooker enjoy chlamydia together!

Principal Wally Snur: Well, it's been another great year here at JAMS. With summer around the corner, it's time to say goodbye not only to another school year, but also to one of our own. Amy Squirrel. After six short years, Amy is transferring out of the district.

Sandy Pinkus: Speech, speech!

[Amy, her face completely healed, gets up from the couch with an obviously pursed smile]

Amy Squirrel: Wally, thank you for those kind words, and thank you all. My decision that I made myself to leave was super difficult, but when the superintendent personally asks you to work at one of the worst schools in the state, well, you say, "Yes." And, boy, I am looking forward to bringing my brand of zany energy to those underprivileged students at Malcolm X High School.

[takes a bow]

Amy Squirrel: Thank you.

[Elizabeth exits the teachers' lounge. Scott steps in her way]

Scott Delacorte: Hey, Elizabeth. Listen, since Amy's transferring, I was thinking, maybe the two of us could start over.

[turns away, then turns back to Elizabeth]

Scott Delacorte: Oh, hey there. Scott Delacorte. And you are?

Elizabeth Halsey: [smiles] Leaving.

[walks away]