Anthropology 101 Quotes

Annie Edison: Everything they do is some sick competition.

Britta Perry: Oh, like you hate competition. How long did it take you to kiss Jeff after I told him I loved him? Oh, that's right. First Vaughn, now Jeff. I better not smile at that wall outlet or you'll fry your tongue off!

Professor June Bauer: I don't know Mr. Winger. Last time I called on you I got what the Maku Maku call 'dirt-roaded'.

Señor Chang: Using it.

Troy Barnes, Professor June Bauer, Abed Nadir: [Abed begins to beatbox] Kingdom, Animalia. Phylum, Chordala. The Class is Mammalia, cause, boobies we gotta. Order is Primate. Family, Hominidae. Genus is Homo but I know you're inda me. Cause I am the Species known as Sapien. Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in.

Professor June Bauer: It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you / There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do / I bless the rains down in Africa / I bless the rains down in Africa / I bless the rains down in Africa.

Troy Barnes: Abed, Jeff made out with Annie.

Abed Nadir: What? When, where?

Britta Perry: [angry] Yeah, where?

Pierce Hawthorne: That's inappropriate. I'm assuming on the mouth.

Annie Edison: It was after the Transfer Dance.

Britta Perry: Oh, so I tell you that I love you, and you go outside and stick your tongue into a teenager!

Jeff Winger: Sorry I'm late. I was in my car, loving Britta.

[Jeff and Britta kiss and then look deeply into each other's eyes]

Jeff Winger: I guess I just love you too much.

[Annie rocks nervously, a sick look on her face]

Britta Perry: Not half as much as me.

Abed Nadir: Jeff, do you think you'll marry Britta?

Jeff Winger: I'd like to see someone stop me.

Britta Perry: I just peed a little.

Abed Nadir: [Abed presents them with a ring] Then here, propose.

Britta Perry: [Jeff and Britta both look at the ring and then begin struggling over it] I've got it. I've got it.

[Britta gets the ring and puts it on Jeff's finger]

Britta Perry: Jeff Winger, will you marry me?

Jeff Winger: Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem, no problem.

[Shirley screams in delight and Annie screams in horror]

Abed Nadir: Great, I'll be right back.

[Abed rushes out of the room]

Shirley Bennett: [Annie screams again as Jeff and Britta kiss] Thank the Lord you're getting married, I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table.

Troy Barnes: [Everyone leaps back from the table in disgust] Awesome!

Jeff Winger: You told Shirley?

Shirley Bennett: Well, there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game.

Troy Barnes: Was there anything you didn't win that day?

Annie Edison: [Annie runs over and punches Jeff in the face] You slept with her and then kissed me?

Britta Perry: What?

Irish Singer: [Abed enters with an entourage of people carrying a wedding arbor and singing] But she's in so deep/ You know she's such a fool for him/ She's got a ring around her finger ah-ah-ah/ And Abed hired an Irish singer/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger!

Jeff Winger: [On Anthropology professor's question, "Which tool is the most important to humanity's survival] The tool most important to humanity's survival is... respect. The reason I know respect is a tool is because it is clearly not a natural thing. We forget to use it all the time, and we start competing with each other, and exploiting each other, and humiliating each other, and controlling each other... and we lose each other. And without each other, we'd go extinct. And that's a fact.

Señor Chang: Ha.

[quietly]

Señor Chang: Gay fact.

Jeff Winger: That's my answer, professor.

Jeff Winger: The most important tool is... respect.

Señor Chang: Ha! Gayyyyy!

Jeff Winger: [about Britta] She's turned every woman against me.

Annie Edison: Not every woman, not the one that deserves to be with you.

Jeff Winger: All women deserve to be with me, and vice versa.

Shirley Bennett: Clearly, the most important tool is the cross, representing Christianity.

Abed Nadir: It's an ax.

Shirley Bennett: It's an ax?

Troy Barnes: Maybe the telescope. Look through it backwards, shrink your enemies.

Pierce Hawthorne: I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival, but fair warning, it's my penis.

Jeff Winger: Did someone throw urine in my face?

Pierce Hawthorne: I surprise myself under pressure.

Britta Perry: And I owe you an apology.

Pierce Hawthorne: I accept.

Britta Perry: Psycho Britta, the walking freak show for every Barbie with a Cosmo subscription.

Jeff Winger: I don't mean to be a tool, but you embarrassed me too, so call it karma.

Britta Perry: Boy, I hope I'm not around when you do mean to be a tool.

Student #1: You're Britta Perry?

Britta Perry: Yeah, what's it to you?

Student #2: You're the coolest.

[Britta fans giggle]

Britta Perry: Right. Um... At what exactly?

Student #1: Being fearless, honest, speaking from your heart.

Student #1, Student #2: "Jeff Winger, I love you."

Britta Perry: Right. My heart may have overstated...

Student #1: Do you sign stuff?

Britta Perry: Now and again.

Student #1: Awesome.

Jeff Winger: [speaking under his breath] I don't like where that's going.

Jeff Winger: Look, um, remember the little talk we had?

Annie Edison: [Annie plays with her hair] The one about discretion?

Jeff Winger: [Jeff slaps Annie's hand away from her hair] Yes. Stop that. Look, umm, we agreed you and I kissing was a mistake. If anyone were to find out, I would be tarred, feathered, and put on websites people check when buying a house.

Annie Edison: It's forgotten, Jeff, jeez. I'm not some love-struck teenybopper. But we didn't just kiss, we Frenched. I checked the make-out meter in this month's issue of...

[Jeff glares at Annie causing her to pause]

Annie Edison: National Review.

[Annie turns on her heel, walks away and looks back over her shoulder]

Jeff Winger: I don't like where that's going.

Señor Chang: Why are you guys in this class?

Jeff Winger: We chose it together.

Señor Chang: The real question is, why are you in it?

Annie Edison: Oh, you missed us?

Señor Chang: [derisively] Don't flatter yourself. Have you checked the course description? Ancient weaponry. Genital mutilation.

[Chang winks]

Señor Chang: This subject's talking my Chang-uage.

Jeff Winger: [disgusted] Ugh.

Jeff Winger: No, what's up with Britta mania?

Abed Nadir: Oh, that's even simpler. In the eyes of the public, Britta put herself out there and you walked away, making her the underdog, the jilt-ee, the Aniston.

Jeff Winger: That's ridiculous.

Abed Nadir: Yeah. Hey Jeff, do you have any hillbilly cousins?

Jeff Winger: I wish, why?

Abed Nadir: A wealthy uncle, or an old drinking buddy that may or may not have had a sex change?

Jeff Winger: Abed, why are you mining my life for classic sitcom scenarios?

Abed Nadir: I guess I'm just excited about the new year, looking for ways to improve things. I'm hoping we can move away from the soapy relationship-y stuff and into bigger, fast-paced, self-contained escapades.

Professor June Bauer: What is it exactly that separates man from animal?

Star-Burns: Divorce.

[laughter]

Star-Burns: [June darts Star-Burns in the left facial cheek, Star-Burns wheezes]

[class gasp]

Star-Burns: [Troy, in shock, looks wide-eyed at June]

Professor June Bauer: Tools. Like this blowgun I used to hunt monkeys with the Korubo in the Amazon. My name is Professor June Bauer, and this semester I will guide you to the threshold of your humanity where you will lock eyes with the shrieking, blood-drenched, sister-raping beasts from which we sprang. You will also have to make a diorama.

[class groans]

Pierce Hawthorne: Now that Troy's off the streets and living with me, he's learning about the world.

Troy Barnes: Yeah. Tell me again why Jewish people wear yarmulkes.

Pierce Hawthorne: Half a hat, saves money.

[Annie's agape in disbelief]

Troy Barnes: Thank you.

Professor June Bauer: Don't be shy, come on up, have a sip. The yogi of India swear by its restorative powers.

[no takers]

Professor June Bauer: Okay, more of my urine for me.

Pierce Hawthorne: I'll show you the tool that's most important to our survival, but fair warning, it's my penis.

[chuckles]

Troy Barnes: Way to hog all the girls, Jeff. You know, when there's three sprinkle doughnuts, you don't eat one and then lick another.

Britta Perry: Anyone object to us being referred to as doughnuts? No one?

Señor Chang: Guys? I've got a confession to make, I took Anthropology because I wanna be a part of your study group.

[overlapping responses]

Señor Chang: Now I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?

Jeff Winger: Uh... look, we've been through a lot today. Umm... give us a little time to think it over.

Señor Chang: Totally, man. Just think about it. Take your time and let me know.

Shirley Bennett: Nice to see you, Chang.

Pierce Hawthorne: Bye.

Abed Nadir: See ya.

Annie Edison: Hey.

Señor Chang: Bye.

Annie Edison: Aww. Poor guy.

Jeff Winger: We'll let him in eventually.

Pierce Hawthorne: Says who?

Jeff Winger: We have the strength to survive anything. What's the worst that can happen?

Shirley Bennett: Yeah, that's true.

Troy Barnes: Yeah.

Abed Nadir: Good point.

Señor Chang: [cut to dual personality Chang]

[mean voice]

Señor Chang: I told you they hate you.

[normal voice]

Señor Chang: No, they said they just needed more time.

[mean voice]

Señor Chang: Time? They destroyed your life. How much time before we take revenge?

[pleading normal voice]

Señor Chang: But, they're my friends.

[mean voice]

Señor Chang: I'm your only friend.

[normal voice]

Señor Chang: No.

[mean voice cackles]

Señor Chang: hahaha!

[frantic normal voice]

Señor Chang: No.

[mean voice cackles]

Señor Chang: hahahaha!

[wailing normal voice]

Señor Chang: No!