American Pie Quotes

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful.

College Girl: What did you just say?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Suck me, beautiful!

[girl laughs]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Friends call me Nova, as in Casanova.

College Girl: That's pathetic!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

Steve Stifler: [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You came to see me in action?

Jim: Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!

Steve Stifler: Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!

Victoria 'Vicky': It's got to be completely perfect. I want the right time, the right moment, the right place.

Jessica: Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch, it's sex.

Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.

Jim: Yeah?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.

Jim: Apple pie, huh?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.

Jim: McDonald's or homemade?

Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of

[hesitates]

Jim's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salami", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud".

[pause]

Jim's Dad: I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [On being sensitive] You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.

Steve Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.

Kevin: Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

Jim: [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!

Kevin: Guys...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!

Kevin: Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.

Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.

Finch: Single malt?

Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Michelle: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!

Jim: Michelle! Michelle.

Jim's Dad: [talking about masturbation] It's like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

Jim: Right.

Jim's Dad: It's not a game.

Jim: No.

Jim's Dad: What you want is a partner to return the ball.

Vicky: [discussing Kevin difficulties saying he love her] Maybe the words aren't that important. It's like, I know he really cares about me, you know, even if he can't say if he does. And yeah, he always talks about sex, but that's ok cause he's a guy, right?

Jessica: He's got a dick, he's a guy.

Vicky: Right.

MILF Guy #2: [while looking at a picture of Stifler's mom] Dude, that chick's a MILF!

MILF Guy #1: What the hell is that?

MILF Guy #2: M-I-L-F: Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

MILF Guy #1: Yeah dude! Yeah!

Jessica: No wonder you're not psyched about sex. You've never even had one manually?

Vicky: I've never tried it.

Jessica: You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Finch: [Watching Jim's strip tease over the Internet] Did not just take out that chair.

Kevin: Yup, he took out the chair.

Choir singer: [to himself] Just focus on the music, think melody, let the music be my guide.

Heather: Yeah, that'd be a start.

Steve Stifler: Choir chick! What the hell are you doing here?

Heather: Well, uh, I was asking Chris to the prom. So do you wanna go?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, that would be great.

Steve Stifler: Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Stifler, fuck! I mean, why do you gotta be so insensitive all the time?

Steve Stifler: What? Whatever.

Kevin: [watching Jim and Nadia over the Internet] He's pullin' out the porn.

Finch: He's desperate. Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Jim: [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.

Finch: HOLY SHIT!

Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member, Garage Band Member: [together] Holy shit

Enthusiastic Guy: [enthusiastically] Holy shit!

Steve Stifler: You actually said that?

[laughs hysterically]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shut up!

Jim: You did better than me, Nova.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.

Steve Stifler: You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

[shouts]

Steve Stifler: *suck me, beautiful!*

[walks off, laughing]

Steve Stifler: Hey, Kev, seen Shitbrick lately?

Kevin: Why? What did you do to him?

Steve Stifler: Me? Nothing. I'm the one who ass he kicked. But uh... I'll tell you one thing... I don't think he's gonna have a problem shitting in school anymore. Slipped a little something into his Moccachino.

[shows a jar of laxatives]

Kevin: If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Jim: Sherman? The Sherminator?

[both laugh]

Jim: Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a mermaid dude.

Jim: Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.

Kevin: [Stifler is vomiting in a toilet] Hey, Stifler, how's the "Pale Ale"?

Steve Stifler: [vomiting] Fuck you!

[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]

Jim: Oh man...

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Shit dude, the 'L' word?

Jim: And what did you say?

Kevin: Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Good, then you're still safe.

Jim: You think she was serious?

Kevin: Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"

Jim: Yeah, yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.

Jim: Yeah.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah, no Sweat.

Jim: I couldn't have said it better myself

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...

Jim: Hey.

[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a cartoon, dude.

Jim: She's a hot cartoon.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, is there anything you don't jerk off to?

Jim: Of course there is. C-Span.

[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She's a college chick.

Jim: Cassanova!

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Debbie.

Steve Stifler: Bullshit - from where?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: She works part-time at my dad's store.

Steve Stifler: Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Dude, come on, he does not.

Kevin: Really, Stifler, he's the manager.

Steve Stifler: Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!

Kevin: Stifler, you're such an asshole!

Steve Stifler: [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!

Finch: Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?

Steve Stifler: I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!

[Deleted scene. Kevin talk on the phone with Tom, who is driving]

Tom Myers: You called to ask me how to get laid?

Kevin: Well, yeah, you know, it's not like I can really call my dad. I don't even have his number.

Tom Myers: It's listed A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

Kevin: Yeah, you said it... Anyway, I was calling to see if I could get some advice - brother-to-brother. I mean, I think that tonight, Vicky's... I mean, there's a definite chance that...

Tom Myers: All right, all right - listen, have you ever heard of The Bible?

Kevin: What? Not THE Bible?

Tom Myers: That's not really its name but that's what we call it.

Kevin: Does it tell me how to... to get laid?

Tom Myers: You know what? Nevermind, you're not ready.

Kevin: Wait, ready for what?

Tom Myers: Woah, you're breaking up there. I gotta go, good luck at the party.

[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Jim: Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Fun Loving: Insane.

Kevin: Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.

Jim: No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yes, yes.

[High-fives with Jim]

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?

Finch: It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.

[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]

Finch: Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.

[Deleted Scene. Kevin enters to see Finch drinking mochachino]

Kevin: Finch, get to the bathroom, now!

Finch: Easy tiger, what's in there?

Kevin: Just go.

Finch: And why is this?

Kevin: Listen, you're going to shit your pants.

Finch: [snorts] That's charming.

Finch: Look, Stifler slipped some sort of laxative in your coffee and it's fast acting - really fast.

Finch: Listen, Kevin, you know first of all it's mochachino... Oh... Oh!

[Finch runs from the room]

[Deleted scene. The boys are at the prom]

Finch: All right, all right - I'm here for your dumb meeting.

Kevin: So, status check...

Chuck Sherman: Boys, boys, boys. I'm on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload - again.

[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]

Stifler's Brother: [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...

Jim: Yes it was...

[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]

Finch: Is that legal? Can you do that?

Jim: I did it. Don't care.

Kevin: Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.

Jim: Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?

Kevin: [pauses] Yeah.

Chuck Sherman: Vicky, Jessica, great to see you, glad you could make it! Ha ha, Bitches.

Steve Stifler: Sherman!

Chuck Sherman: Hey!

Steve Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?

[last lines]

Jim's Dad: Sweetheart!

[Kevin and Vicky are sitting in class]

Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Hey, Kevin.

[mouthing]

Victoria 'Vicky': I want to have sex.

Kevin: [loudly] Now?

Victoria 'Vicky': [whispering] Prom.

Michelle: Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim: [spits out drink] Excuse me?

Michelle: What? You don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is. Sex Ed. So, are we gonna screw soon? Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Michelle: Now, I have 2 rubbers. Wear them both. It will desensitize you. I don't want you cumming so damn early this time.

Jim: What makes you think that I would cum early?

Michelle: Come on, I saw you on the net. Why do you think I accepted this date? You're a sure thing.

Jim: Yes I am.

Finch: So, ah, would you object if I said you were quite striking?

Stifler's Mom: Mister Finch, are you trying to seduce me?

Finch: Yes ma'am, I am.

Stifler's Brother: [after Jim prematurely ejaculates touching Nadia] What happened? What did he do?

Steve Stifler: He blew it.

[repeated line]

Michelle: This one time, at band camp...

Michelle: So, you're pissed about something, huh? You know what I do when I'm angry? I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing. I learned to do that at band camp.

Jim: Hold on, uh. You have no idea why I'm angry?

Michelle: Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky when I know I have a big test to study for.

Jim: Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Michelle: I thought so. Because this one time, at band camp...

Jim: What's your name?

Michelle: Michelle.

Jim: Oh. Okay. Michelle, um. Do you want to be my date for the prom?

Michelle: Really? You seriously want to go with me?

Jim: Yes. Seriously.

Michelle: Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards? Because that would be so cool.

Jim: Sure. Whatever you want.

Michelle: Cool! We're going to have such a good time.

Jessica: You and Kevin haven't even done it yet.

Victoria 'Vicky': That's not why we're going out.

Jessica: Well, what do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

Jim: Correct me if I'm wrong; but, you're the one with the girlfriend and you're still stranded on third base.

Kevin: Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay. You're still just a bat boy.

Jim: You have something going tonight, Sherman?

Chuck Sherman: You see that Central chick, Bernette?

Jim, Kevin: No.

Chuck Sherman: She's around. It seems she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time she experienced: the Shermanator.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: [parking at Lookout Point] What's your major?

College Girl: Post Modern Feminist Thought.

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Oh, cool.

Victoria 'Vicky': Kevin likes it!

Jessica: He likes getting head. Gee, what a total shocker.

Jessica: What about you, Vicky? Have you just never had one with Kevin? Or, have you never had one - period?

Victoria 'Vicky': I've had one. I think.

Jessica: Okay. That's a no.

Chuck Sherman: Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I - am now a man. I highly recommend you join the club. We were doin' the wild thing - all night. I'm exhausted.

Kevin: I don't get it. I mean, how the hell did you do that ?

Chuck Sherman: It was just my time. It was just my time. Best of luck to you boys.

Jessica: Do you love her?

Kevin: Um, you know what? You can't really ask me that.

Jessica: Well, if you want to get her in the sack, I mean, just tell her you love her. That's how I was duped.

Kevin: Look, Jessica, I don't want to dupe her.

Jessica: What you need to do is learn how to press a girl's buttons. You have to give her what she's never had.

Kevin: What's that?

Jessica: Let me give you a hint. "Ohh, Kev!" "Uhh." "Yeah!" Comprende?

Kevin: You mean an orgasm.

Jessica: You got it, stud!

Kevin: Well, you know, I'm-l'm pretty sure that I've - given her a...

Jessica: No, you haven't.

Kevin: Well, there was one time...

Jessica: No!

Matt Stifler: [after Jim prematurely ejaculates touching Nadia] What happened? What did he do?

Steve Stifler: He blew it.