American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile Quotes

Ryan: Gentlemen, it's Friday afternoon we've got a full tank of gas, a quarter ounce of weed, 3 cases of beer, a 10 pound tank of nitrous, we're under age...

Cooze: And I'm too drunk to drive!

Ryan: Hit it!

Tracy: [21:50] You took a crap in my dryer!

Erik Stifler: Your dad scared the shit out of me!

Mr. Stifler: [12:54] Stifflers do not fake being sick to sit a home and pull dick. We cut class to get ass!

Erik Stifler: Yes, I know. That saying is on the family crest.

Cooze: [25:00] Look at the size of that fuckin' chicken!

Erik Stifler: Where?

[swerves the van]

Cooze: [30:54] Just think next year i'll be going here.

Ryan: Yea thanks to daddy and his alumni connections.

Cooze: Hey fuck off i told you i got in because of my SAT scores.

Ryan: You scored 5 points over being legally retarded.

Dwight Stifler: How you feeling that strech? A little dizzy? Cause guess what? Stifler can drink this shit ALL day long.

[takes a shot]

Drinking Contestant: [security guard comes in and puts $200 bet on Stifler]

[takes a shot]

Drinking Contestant: yeaaahhh!

Dwight Stifler: [takes his shot] You got steel nuts my man, I'll give you that, but you no match for the stif-man.

[burps in the contestants face and he pukes]

Cooze: [1:26:48] They don't call me everhard cause I only got one bullet in the chamber! But just to be sure

[takes the viagra out of his sock]

Jill: [stops him from eating it] Are you sure you should taking more of that?

Cooze: More? I didn't take it the first time.

Jill: We're going to have a good time tonight. Now, get your worthless ass on the bed! You peasant.

Cooze: Excuse me?

Jill: I said, "get on the bed, you worthless peasant!"

Alexis: [1:26:20] You know I don't usually go for the Surburban Jock, Abercrombie Clones.

Ryan: I tend to have that effect on Pacifist, Vegan Bisexuals.

Dwight Stifler: [38:10] Better get back to Oz before you get your ass stomped, Toto.

Rock: Toto was the dog, you fucking idiot!

Dwight Stifler: Hey, cousin. How are you?

Erik Stifler: I'm fine, Dwight. Are you ok?

Dwight Stifler: Yeah, I'm great. Hey, I heard you killed Grandma with your cumshot.

[Ryan and Cooze chuckling]

Dwight Stifler: That sucks, man.

Rock: [41;23] How are you feelin', Stifler?

Dwight Stifler: Beyond six months, Frodo, how about you?

Ryan: [46:10] I can't believe we lost to midgets.

Dwight Stifler: Don't let those oompa-loompa bastards get to you. Right now we have more important matters to tend to, gentlemen!

Brandy: Take off your shirt.

Erik Stifler: Excuse me?

Brandy: Well, I want to take the stain out.

Erik Stifler: Oh yeah. Right. I knew that.

Erik Stifler: I swear to God I was through the street with nylons on my head and a condom still on.

Erik Stifler: I can't believe I just told you that story.

Brandy: I think it's great!

Brandy: I mean, look at it this way, you'll never forget your first time.

Dwight Stifler: So, are you ladies ready to run this Naked Mile and get extra fuckin' sexy?

Jill: Hell yeah!

Dwight Stifler: What about you guys?

Brandy: Yeah, what are you guys doing still dressed?

Erik Stifler: Well, we figured we would just watch the mile then meet you guys at the party afterwards.

Alexis: Well, that's too bad because this Naked Mile is going to be crazy!

Jill: Really crazy! Right Brandy?

Brandy: Absolutely out of control!

Brandy: [Brandy, Jill, and Alexis take off all of their clothes, then Erik, Cooze, and Ryan take off all of their clothes]

Erik Stifler: This is special to you, right? I mean this weekend? This night?

Brandy: Erik!

Erik Stifler: Yes?

Brandy: This is sex, not Shakespeare.

Erik Stifler: Are you sure you want to do this, because I doubt I will be very good.

Brandy: Don't worry. I know how to handle guys like you.

Erik Stifler: Guys like me?

Brandy: Virgins? I can take care of virgins.

Erik Stifler: You mean I'm not your first virgin?

Brandy: I have a bit of a confession... Some girls like blondes, some like muscles, I like virgins!

Brandy: Are you ready for a special night?

[Brandy and Erik kiss]

Jill: Are you sure you are up for this after that little incident downstairs?

Cooze: They don't call me "Everhart" because I only got one bullet in the chamber!

[Jill and Cooze are foreplaying before sex]

Jill: Now, get your worthless ass on the bed! You peasant!

Cooze: Excuse me?

[Jill kicks Cooze to the bed]

Jill: I said, get on the bed! You worthless peasant!

Cooze: [Cooze screams in pain] What's your problems? Whoa!

Cooze: What is that?

[Jill gets a Whip then whips Cooze who screams in pain]

Jill: I said get on the bed! And I meant it!

Cooze: Oh yeah, baby! I get it. And I'm into it!

[Jill whips Cooze again]

Jill: Shut up!

[Jill whips Cooze repeatedly]

Cooze: Alirght! Alirght!

[Jill and Cooze are having sex]

Jill: That's it, you pathetic slave! Keep doing that!

Cooze: Don't you think this is getting a little out of hand?

Jill: Oh, you haven't even seen out of hand, yet!

Cooze: I didn't mean we had to stop.

Jill: Oh, we aren't stopping. We're just getting started.

Jill: You ready to get kinky?

Cooze: Whoa, this isn't kinky, yet?

Jill: Not even close!

[Jill grabs a vibrating dildo that makes noise]

Cooze: What is that noise?

[Jill sticks the dildo towards Cooze's penis]

Cooze: Whoa!

[Erik gets distracted while staring at a naked female student and runs into a mailbox, then Brandy comes to help him]

Brandy: Are you alright?

Erik Stifler: I'm fine.

Brandy: C'mon sweetie! Lets finish this thing!

Erik Stifler: I haven't seen you since my parent's New Year's party.

Mr. Levenstein: Well, your parents really, really know how to ring in the New Year!

Erik Stifler: Look, I'm sorry about my Dad giving you that wedgie in front of everybody.

Mr. Levenstein: Well, your Dad has been doing that to me since we were kids, and strangely enough, I enjoy it.

Erik Stifler: I'm a virgin.

Mr. Levenstein: Ok, can I stop you there? You're a Stifler AND a virgin?