All Over the Guy Quotes

[during a game of Pyramid with Jackie and Bret]

Eli Wyckoff: The ex-football player who allegedly killed his wife.

Tom: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Allegedly? What are you, nuts?

[last lines]

Tom: And the thing about Rhett Butler...

Eli Wyckoff: Yeah?

Tom: He wasn't very fuzzy. Was he?

[discussing the bad dates Brett's set Eli up on]

Brett Miles Sanford: Look I know it didn't go all so, you know, that well last time with... Richard, was it?

Eli Wyckoff: Rita! From UPS. She was a woman!

Brett Miles Sanford: Whatever, she was still gay. That's your problem, you're so picky.

[discussing Eli's bad date with Tom the previous night]

Eli Wyckoff: He kept saying, "You do the math," even when it made no sense sense. What a turn-off.

Brett Miles Sanford: What's the turn-on? According to your mother you haven't had a hard-on since she first took you to see THE NUTCRACKER at the Jewish Community Center in first grade.

Eli Wyckoff: Stop talking to my mother about my sex life.

Brett Miles Sanford: What sex life?

Eli Wyckoff: I have one!

Brett Miles Sanford: Uh huh, right.

[makes jerking off motions]

Eli Wyckoff: Ok, y'know, it counts. I spent 10 years learning which buttons to push, now I just have to look at myself and I cum.

Brett Miles Sanford: Eww.

[Eli's mother has just left an embarrassing message on his machine that Tom overheard]

Eli Wyckoff: Oh my God, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now and hope to God that I can overdose on Tums, or Maalox, or pine-scented Glade.

Tom: Jackie would love this bear... Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he? Was he? Was he? Was he? Was he?

Eli Wyckoff: [interrupting him] Was he, was he, WAS he!

Tom: That's what I said

Eli Wyckoff: No, no. You said "Was heeeee?" It's "WAS he"

Tom: What's the difference?

Eli Wyckoff: You're kidding, right? You just established that Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair; why would you then ask "Was heeee?" like a question, like you didn't know if he was fuzzy or not?

Tom: It *is* a question, I'm asking if Fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy, what is so wrong about that?

Eli Wyckoff: It is a rhetorical question, it's supposed to be ironic! "Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... *was* he?"

Tom: Where you going?

Jackie: Uhh, home, to officially 'not call'.

Tom: No, no, no, no, you were supposed to stay here and watch Lifetime Television for Women and Gay Men!

Jackie: Uhh, no.

Tom: It's Joan Van Ark in "Not Without My Nose Job".

Jackie: Oh, angel, I've already lived that movie!