Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore Quotes

Chicken: My name is Holliman. Chicken Holliman.

Alice: Glad to meet you.

Chicken: Well, now, would you mind turning around for me?

Alice: Turn around for you? Why?

Chicken: I want to look at you!

Alice: Well, look at my face. I don't sing with my ass.

[leaves]

Chicken: Lenny, what's with this broad?

Tommy: Mom, are we in Arizona yet?

Alice: If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna beat you to death. Just sit back there and relax and enjoy life, huh?

Tommy: Life is short.

Alice: So are you.

Tommy: Life is short.

Alice: Yeah, well, so are you.

[last lines]

Tommy: [final lines] You really love David, don't you?

Alice: Yep, I do.

Tommy: Yeah, I like him too, I just hate his taste in music. He always said you could fight with somebody and still like him.

Alice: Hey, now you're using your old noggin! Thanks pal!

[hugs and kisses]

Alice: My boy!

Tommy: Mom, mom, I can't breathe!

Alice: [after Tommy, was being a smart aleck] If you open your mouth, once more, I swear to God, I'm gonna nail it shut.

Tommy: [Opens his mouth]

Alice: I'm warning you, Tommy. I'm gonna throw you out, and you're gonna walk the last mile home.

[Tommy makes, faces at his mother]

Alice: Get out!

[Kicks Tommy, out of the car, and Alice drives away]

Ben: [Brandishing a switchblade at Rita] If you don't drag your ass out that door or, I'll cut you. I'll cut your ass.

[Kicks Rita on the backside]

Ben: GET OUT!

Tommy: He asked us out there Sunday.

Alice: Farmer John's just gonna have to get along without me, I can tell you that.

Tommy: I want to go.

Alice: No.

Tommy: [Jumping on the couch] Yes!

Alice: No!

Tommy: YES!

Alice: NO!

Tommy: [Kicks the couch] Shit!

David: [Tommy's milking a cow] Hey, Tommy, watch the fingernails.

Tommy: Well, Christ, she's got tits the size of cucumbers. What do you expect?

Alice: Ahem. I don't know where he gets that language, I really don't.

Tommy: Think real hard, it'll come to you, lady.

Flo: Mel, what you doing back there, pulling on your pudding? Or are you giving it a whack with a hammer? I heard the only way you can get it up is to slam it in a door.

Mel: I don't want to get too close to you, honey. It will get you all bothered up early in the morning.

Flo: I could lay under you, eat fried chicken... and do a crossword puzzle at the same time. That's how much you bother me.

Alice: Why do we have to have Mott the Hoople 24 hours a day? Can you tell me that?

Tommy: Maybe if I had a Kitty Kallen record.

Alice: Am I lucky? Hmm? I don't know. I'm an okay sort of person. How did I get such a smart-ass kid?

Tommy: You got pregnant.

Store Clerk: You're sure laying the money out for meat. Company coming?

Alice: No, my husband hates me and I'm trying to get him to chase me around the bedroom.

Bea: I sure couldn't live without some kind of man around the house.

Alice: Oh, I could!

Bea: And neither could you.

Alice: Oh, yes, I could!

Bea: No, you couldn't.

Alice: Oh, yes, I could!

Bea: Oh, no you couldn't.

Alice: Easy. I could be just as happy if I never saw one again, ever. Of course, I don't know, it might be different if I ever, you know, if I met a man like Robert Redford. I mean, that could be different.

Bea: I'll bet it's different.

Alice: You know, he wouldn't be the kind of man that would roll over and go to sleep as soon as he's finished. And he'd be very gentle.

Bea: Listen, I wonder what kind of build he's got on him.

Alice: Did you ever see his feet?

Bea: Feet?

Alice: I heard one time that's supposed to be an indication.

[phone rings]

Alice: Excuse me.

Bea: [Thinks intently] Oh, I saw a picture. They're huge!

Alice: Don't look back. You'll turn into a pillar of shit.

Tommy: The whole state is shit.

Alice: Don't talk dirty, Tommy. How many times do I have to tell you?

Tommy: What?

Alice: I said we's gonna go out amongst them tonight.

Tommy: What?

Alice: What do you mean, what? What are you, Helen Keller?

Alice: What do you think?

Tommy: You look good. But is it sexy?

Alice: Sexy for Phoenix. Besides, I'm not applying at the Boom Boom Room.

Alice: Is there anything in particular you'd like to hear? Anything special?

Jacobs: Do you know: "What's the use of getting married? It's only a waste of time, I'd rather sit upon a shelf, One makes two when you're talking to yourself, Never let a girl be master for the sake of a cuddle and a kiss, You may have lots of things you never had before, What you never had you'll never miss -"

Alice: I don't know that.

Jacobs: "So what's the use of getting married?"

Alice: I don't know that song.

Jacobs: So what'd you ask me for?

Tommy: What am I supposed to do all the time?

Alice: Go visit a reservation and play with the Indians.

Ben: My name's Ben Eberhardt.

Alice: Mine is Alice Hyatt.

Ben: Hiya, Hyatt.

Alice: Oh, please.

Ben: Yeah, I guess a lot of fellas pull that one on you.

Alice: Yeah, but most of them are under 12.

Tommy: You going out late again tonight?

Alice: I don't know. Why?

Tommy: Just wondering when you'll introduce me to that guy you've been running around with.

Alice: His name is Ben and of course I'll introduce you to him.

Tommy: Should I call him Uncle Ben?

Tommy: The joke is *where* the dog grabs him.

Alice: Where?

Tommy: On the nuts! That's the punch line of the joke.

Alice: The dog grabs the gorilla by the nuts is the punch line?

Tommy: No, no. That's a major part of the story. You have to know that to get the punchline. Now, do you know what nuts are?

Alice: Balls.

Tommy: Right!

Alice: [Reading a sign] City of Tucson. Winter home of the Cleveland Indians.

Tommy: So far, I hate it.

Alice: I'm waiting on tables.

Tommy: Huh?

Alice: I'm a waitress, that's what.

Tommy: Is it a nice place, anyway?

Alice: Hell, yes! Mel and Ruby's cafe? Are you kidding?

Tommy: It doesn't sound so bad.

Alice: There's just Mel there. Ruby's been dead for 14 years. The place killed her. It'll probably kill me, too.

Audrey: You want to get high on Ripple?

Tommy: What?

Audrey: You want to get high on Ripple?

Tommy: No, I can't. What about your folks?

Audrey: My dad split two years ago. Mom turns tricks at the Ramada Inn from 3:00 p.m. on.

Tommy: What if she came home?

Audrey: She wouldn't even notice. I could have a troop of bare-assed Eagle Scouts in for the afternoon and she wouldn't blink an eye. Why? Is your mom a hard-nose?

Tommy: No, a singer. Or a waitress, I guess.

Audrey: A singing waitress. Weird. So you want Ripple or not?

Flo: You can kiss me where the sun don't shine.

Mel: I'll kiss you anywhere you want.

Alice: Did you make that up?

Flo: No. No, no. I heard it all my life. I heard it first from my Daddy.

Alice: You're kidding me.

Flo: No, he's got some terrific sayings. He lives out on a farm, my Daddy, and he always says his name's P.P. He always says, "Don't call me P.P. 'cause I'm all urine."

Alice: I saw the "Waitress Wanted" sign. I said, "Why not?" So I took this job.

Flo: Well, let me give you a hint. Honey, unbutton that top button.

Alice: Really?

Flo: Yeah. If you bend over, you get more tips when you're working.

Alice: You're kidding me

Flo: I'm not kidding. I got $50 last week.

Alice: Really?

Flo: Yeah.

Alice: Like that?

Flo: Yeah. Honey, forget what I said. You do that and I'm never going to get a tip again.

[laughs]

David: Your brother taught you to kiss?

Alice: I don't mean he demonstrated. He told me that the worst thing that can happen is if a boy feels like he's put his lips in a bowl of wet oatmeal.

David: At least he said "lips."

Alice: So the most important thing to remember before you kiss is to wipe your mouth real good and keep your lips together so he doesn't kiss your teeth. So, we went to see "The Postman Always Rings Twice." And there was this big close-up of - what's her name? Lana Turner and John Garfield, right? And they're just coming together. Big dramatic moment. At last, they're going to kiss. The music's playing. It's very dramatic. And just as they come together, they both open their mouths. And I thought, "My God, don't they know how to kiss? What's wrong with them?" And I turned and looked at my brother to see what he was going to say. He just sat there. He didn't move, he was just looking at screen. He didn't say anything for three weeks. And then all of a sudden one day, he says: "Well, Al, I've been thinking."

David: Al?

Alice: Yes, he always called me Al. "l think maybe you're supposed to part your lips a little bit when you kiss."

David: God bless him.

Alice: We decided we wanted to go into show business from the movies.

David: Why did you leave?

Alice: I got married and Donald wanted to live in his hometown. I wanted to go on singing. He said, "No wife of mine is going to sing in a saloon." I said, "Yes, master." I kind of liked that.

David: You liked it?

Alice: It was like, you know, my idea of a man: strong and dominating.

[laughs]

Flo: My old man, Honey, he ain't talked to me since the day Kennedy got shot.

Alice: What, did he think you had something to do with it?

Flo: What is it you want?

Alice: If I knew that, I wouldn't be out here crying in the toilet, would I?

Alice: What do I say to him?

Flo: You just tell that old boy if he wants to keep his shoes under your bed, he better straighten up!

David: How good are you?

Alice: Well, I'm as good as I am. That's how good I am.

Tommy: Mom, when we get to Monterey, will you let me write to Audrey?

Alice: Honey, I think Audrey's a little mature for you.

Tommy: I don't think she's mature. I think she's nice!