Anthony Cooper: Mom, do you mind?... Please

Kelly Cooper: What? Because of this morning? It's not the first time I've seen your penis, Anthony!

Emily Cooper: Mom saw your penis?

Kelly Cooper: Yep! I've seen yours too, Alexander. I've seen every penis in this car!

Ben Cooper: Every penis.
Video game dev: Is that a pirate blouse?

Ben Cooper: Yarrr!
Philip Parker: Hey Paul!

Paul Dumphy: Phillip my man!

Philip Parker: Nice boobs Alexander.
High School Teacher: Let's go Wreck it Ralph. Principal's office now!
Paul Dumphy: Dude i've been looking everywhere for you. Have you heard about Phillip Parker?

Alexander Cooper: I don't want to hear anything more about his amazing party.

Paul Dumphy: No it's cancelled.

Alexander Cooper: What?

Paul Dumphy: Yeah he woke up with chicken pox. He texted me this picture these things are everywhere.

Alexander Cooper: Oh.

Paul Dumphy: They're even in his butt crack.
Anthony Cooper: Where's bumble bee?

Kelly Cooper: Alexander murdered it so now he's going to cry all night.
Alexander Cooper: Hi Becky

Becky Gibson: Hey Alexander
Emily Cooper: I think i broke Captain Hook's nose.
Ben Cooper: Whoa honey are you okay?

Emily Cooper: No i'm not Peter Pan can't have a cold Dad.
Ben Cooper: Honey bumble bee is gone.
Alexander Cooper: It's 12:01 Melvin. It's my birthday. Do you feel alone in the world? I just wish they understood! I just wish they knew what it felt like to have a terrible horrible no good very bad day.
Kelly Cooper: If you hadn't left the battery out of my car all night Dick van Dyke wouldn't be mad at me Chim Chimminy wants to kill me. Can you imagine?
Anthony Cooper: Bro i gotta take a shower. I gotta get to school or Celia won't call me back. Oh no. No way not today. Get out dude. Get out!
Alexander Cooper: Why are you here?

Anthony Cooper: Shut up.
Emily Cooper: What a to-do to die today at a minute or two to two. A thing distinctly hard to say but harder still to do. We'll beat a tattoo at a minute or two and a rat tat tat tat tat tattoo. And the dragon will come to the beat of the drum. At a minute or two to two today. At a minute or two to two... A big black bug bit a big black bear.
Alexander Cooper: So his party's not on?

Paul Dumphy: No so everyone's coming to yours again.

Alexander Cooper: Really?

Paul Dumphy: Great right? His pox is your gain.
High School Teacher: This isn't Gossip Girl you two. Get back inside Celia.
Kelly Cooper: How much cough syrup did she have?

Ben Cooper: Clearly way too much.
Anthony Cooper: [to Alexander throwing a ball at him while on the phone] What's your problem?

Celia: [on the phone thinking Anthony was talking to her] Excuse me?

Anthony Cooper: You know what, you're so annoying. Why can't you just chill out for one second. You're exhausting.

Celia: Are you kidding?

[hangs up]

Anthony Cooper: Sorry, Celia. That was my idiot brother.

[realizing Celia hung up on him]

Anthony Cooper: Celia?
Anthony Cooper: Celia! Hey, Celia. Wait up. Hey, what's wrong? You haven't been answering your phone since last night.

Celia: Why do you care? I thought I was so exhausting.

Anthony Cooper: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my idiot brother.

Celia: Whatever.

Anthony Cooper: I tried calling you back.

Celia: Yeah, well, I really don't feel like talking to you. I just don't think you understand the emotional responsibilities that comes from having a girlfriend.

Anthony Cooper: Wait. Are you breaking up with me? What about tonight?

Celia: I don't even want to go.