Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls Quotes

Ace: You're an extreme workaholic. You recently returned from a short trip to Gotan in northern Africa, and upon your return you more than likely took a nasty spill because of some... shotty masonry work.

Vincent Cadby: Very impressive... might I ask, how?

Ace: Surely... The abrasion on the palm of your left hand is the type one sustains breaking a fall of 3 to 5 feet; the small remnants of plaster on the tip of your shoe pointed to a careless mason being the culprit: your new watch, a quality forgery of a Cartier was most likely purchased through the north African black market known to reside in Gotan.

[Ace gasps for air]

Vincent Cadby: And my work habits?

Ace: Yes, a workaholic; the urine stain on your pants would signify that you're a single shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.

Airplane Stewardess: Peanut?

[sounds like penis]

Ace: Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.

Airplane Stewardess: Peanut.

Ace: Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!

[yodels]

[spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino]

Ace: Kinda hot in these rhinos...

[Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck]

Ace: Nobody wants to play with me!

[last lines]

Ace: [the Tiny Warrior shrieks in Wachutu] What did he just say?

Fulton Greenwall: I *think* he said, she's not a virgin.

Ace: [pause] They can *tell* that?

[Wachootoo Chief exposes his rotten teeth while screaming at Ace]

Ace: You know, gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay.

Ace: Mmm, this fruit paste is delicious. And the pottery is lovely.

Ouda: It's made from guano.

Ace: Guano! Why's that sounding so familiar?

[Ace starts licking the remains of the fruit paste from the bottom of the bowl]

Fulton Greenwall: Bat droppings.

[Ace drops the bowl, spitting the remains of the paste and wiping off his tongue]

Fulton Greenwall: Guano is their main raw material, they're using it to made a lot of things in the village.

Ace: Yummie!

Ace: Just what sort of bat are we talking about?

Fulton Greenwall: The Great White Bat, of course.

Ace: Corpus Kilochiroptera?

Fulton Greenwall: Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka.

[the Wachati chief and his son bow upon hearing the name]

Ace: Shikaka...

[they bow again]

Ace: Shikaka!

[they bow again]

Ace: Shikasha!

[they begin to bow, but stop]

Ace: Ohhh! Shishkebab.

[they almost bow]

Ace: Shawshank Redemption.

[they almost bow]

Ace: ShicaaaaGO!

[the chief bows]

Ace: You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out.

[the confused chief exits the hut]

Fulton Greenwall: Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!

Ace: Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*.

Ace: Where's the bat?

Burton Quinn: What is this about... Who are you?

Ace: Where.. iz... zhe bat?

Fulton Greenwall: Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna...

Ace: Hi there. Nice to see ya. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna!

[quickly turns to face one of the natives]

Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective! How are you this afternoon? Alrighty Then!

[turns to another]

Ace: Excuse me, your balls are showing.

[thumbs-up]

Ace: Bumblebee tuna.

Ace: [smiling nervously] Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know!

[face quickly turns serious]

Ace: We should head back now.

Fulton Greenwall: Don't you think you should investigate?

Ace: There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man.

Fulton Greenwall: But I thought you said...

Ace: It's DARK! I could fall into a precipice!

Ouda: [hands him a torch] Here! Take this

Ace: Spank you, Helpy Helperton.

Ace: Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK!

[Greenwall does nothing]

Ace: Allrighty, then! Shall we go to jail?

[clicks teeth at Cadby]

Ace: That's quite a wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could get you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!

The Monopoly Guy: Who is this ghastly man?

Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And YOU must be the Monopoly guy! Hey.

[whispering]

Ace: Thanks for the free parking.

Pompous woman: Another ACTIVIST, McGuire.

The Monopoly Guy: Activist, yes

[snobby laugh]

Ace: [imitating him] activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!

Pompous woman: Mr. Ventura, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime.

Ace: Alrighty then!

[smacks man in the face which knocks him unconscious, drapes him over his shoulders and begins to sing and dance exotically]

Ace: [shakes man] Do not pass go! Do not collect $200!

[hands back man to pompous woman]

Ace: It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn!

[with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple]

Ace: I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...

[close-up of slinky going down temple stairs]

Ace: Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!

[runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step]

Ace: Awww man! Can you believe it. It was right there!

Vincent Cadby: [Ace moans and howls upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads] Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?

Ace: Of course not. This is a lovely room of death.

Ace: [holding a skunk, imitating Tony Montana in Scarface] Say hello to my STINKY little friend!

[lifts the skunk's tail]

Ace: That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you.

[backs up]

Ace: Malp ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna eohs ruoy no saw tahw staht ni deppils uoy tahw staht.

[starts moving forward again]

Ace: That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! DAMN I'M GOOD!

Fulton Greenwall: Well done, Ace! You must be very proud!

Ace: Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degradation.

Fulton Greenwall: My name is Fulton Greenwall, and I am looking for an Ace Ventura.

Ashram Monk: No man here carries with him a label.

Fulton Greenwall: Oh yes, no names. How silly of me. Well, um, he's an American.

Ashram Monk: We are all children of the same life force.

Fulton Greenwall: Yes of course we are.

[thinks]

Fulton Greenwall: He bends over and speaks from his rear.

Ashram Monk: Oh him. Right this way...

[Ace is going at top speed towards the parking lot]

Fulton Greenwall: Perhaps we should slow down just a teensy-weensy bit?

Ace: Nonsense, Poopy-Pants!

Fulton Greenwall: We can pay you handsomely.

Ace: I am now a child of light. Your earthly money holds no appeal to me.

Fulton Greenwall: Twenty thousand dollars.

Ace: Re-he-he-eally? No. I cannot. For I am sorely needed... here, at the ashram.

Ashram Monk: If I may interject! We're short of space, and it's important for you to use your talents. Let me help you pack.

Ace: But I am yet to attain omnipresent supergalactic oneness.

Ashram Monk: No. Wait. THERE it is!

[smiles]

Ashram Monk: You've just attained it.

Ace: I have?

Ashram Monk: Yes! Just now! You are one! I can see it in your eyes. You're more one than anyone!

Ace: What about my medallion of spiritual accomplishment?

Ashram Monk: Take mine!

Ace: This took you eighty years to achieve!

Ashram Monk: That's okay. I don't like it anymore. Really.

Ace: In the light of this great personal sacrifice you've made, I have no choice... but to take the case.

Ashram Monk: Great! I'll go tell the others!

Ace: Master... break it to them gently.

Ace: [cut to Ace and Greenwall exiting the temple through the celebrating, drinking, and some stripped monks] I've never seen them like that before. Denial can be an ugly thing.

Ashram Monk: What answer do you seek?

Ace: I need to know what the Wachatis possess that is of great value to civilized man.

Ashram Monk: The medallion will lead you to the answer. You do still have the medallion, don't you?

Ace: Medallion? Why surely! I left it back, er, with my body.

Ashram Monk: Your aura is weakening...

Ace: OKAY! I threw it in the cave! What do you want from me? What are you, Mr. Perfect? You wanna know where it is? It's probably lying in a big pile of

[coming to a realization, his spirit is transported back to his body]

Ace: Guano! They have Guano!

The Wachati Princess: You make me smile. And yet, I am troubled. You see, the man my father wants me to marry... I am worried I will not please him.

[moves in close to Ace]

The Wachati Princess: I have never known a man.

[they slowly touch their tongues together. Ace pulls away]

Ace: I would love to help. But you see, I have vowed to take a life of celibacy.

The Wachati Princess: Well, perhaps this will assist your decision.

[takes off her top, revealing her bare chest]

Ace: Those are very nice! But I am a child of light. A pure spirit. I am no longer encumbered by the appetites of the flesh.

Ace: [the Wachati Princess is dancing mere inches from Ace] They are a temple of the reproductive organs.

Ace: [to Greenwall] Do you have a dollar?

Ouda: [Ace has been hit in both legs by spears] Are your legs sore? Do you want me to carry you?

Ace: That's alright, I have an incredibly high threshold for pain

Ace: [is hit in the butt by dart] *Holy Monkey!*

[first lines]

Helicopter Pilot: Negative. No sign. Wait a second, I think I got him.

Ace: You know you could poke somebody's eyes out with that thing.

[repeated line]

Ace: Loo-oo-ser!

[repeated line]

Ace: All righty then.

Fulton Greenwall: They did not know about disease until the white man came.

[Ace sneezes]

[repeated line]

Ace: Gravy.

Burton Quinn: [Ace brandishes a steak knife] What are you going to do with that?

Ace: Whatever I have to to get some answers.

[Ace slowly lowers the knife and, picking up a fork, begins scraping the two utensils against a plate]

Ace: [Ouda is translating to the Wachootoo] Did you just refer to me as "White Devil"?

Ouda: This how they know you.

Ace: Leave that part out from now on.

Ace: [the tiny warrior comes out of the hut screaming] What's that he's saying?

Fulton Greenwall: Well, I believe he's saying she's not a virgin.

Ace: They can tell that?

[is running away from the Wachati and Wachootoo tribes]

Ace: Arrest him. ARREST HIM!

[Security officer ignores Ace]

Ace: Please arrest him......? Simon says arrest him!

Ace: War is hell. The last thing we want... is a fight.

Ouda: [translating] I want to fight. So go to hell.

Ace: [fleeing a cave full of bats] They're in my hair. They're in my HAIR! God in heaven, HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Fulton Greenwall: Ace. There is nothing in your hair.

Fulton Greenwall: Brilliant, Mr Ventura! Simply brilliant.

Ace: Spank you Greenwall. Spank you very much.

Wachootoo Chief: Equinsi Ocha! Equinsu Ocha!

Ouda: He said..

Ace: Let me guess... . white devil white devil?

Ouda: Yes! You speak Wachootoo?