A Walk in the Woods Quotes

Bill Bryson: [Reading from guidebook] It says to intimidate the bears.

Stephen Katz: Intimidate the bears? They're fucking bears!

Bill Bryson: [Bears in front of them] If they come for us, play dead.

Stephen Katz: If they come for us, we are dead.

Bill Bryson: Writers don't retire. We either drink ourselves to death or blow our brains out.

TV Host: What will it be for you?

Bill Bryson: After this interview, probably both.

Bill Bryson: [At night, when a female hiker is loudly singing, in an annoying tone, at a late hour] Tomorrow morning, we get up early, before she's awake, and we get a headstart, and lose her.

Stephen Katz: That's a good idea. Better than my idea.

Bill Bryson: What was your idea?

Stephen Katz: We kill her, and steal her Pop Tarts.

Stephen Katz: How do you know all this stuff?

Bill Bryson: Well, there are these things called books.

Stephen Katz: Oh, No kidding, they're called books?

Bill Bryson: Yeah, they're like TV for smart people.

Catherine Bryson: Have you actually thought this through at all?

Bill Bryson: Of course not.

[Katz meeting Bill's wife, Catherine]

Stephen Katz: You're the British nurse I've heard so much about?

Catherine Bryson: I certainly hope so.

Stephen Katz: Not bad looking, huh?

Bill Bryson: That depends.

Stephen Katz: You know what I look for in a female these days? A heartbeat and a full set of limbs.

Bill Bryson: Well, most people lower their standards as they age.

Stephen Katz: Yeah?

Bill Bryson: You've actually raised yours.

Stephen Katz: Snow? That guy's out of his fucking mind.

[Next scene: Snowstorm]

Bill Bryson: Katz, you still there?

Stephen Katz: Unfortunately.

Bill Bryson: Why don't you go out and talk to the guy, huh? I'm sure he's reasonable.

Stephen Katz: That's your plan?

Bill Bryson: [chuckling] I don't need a plan. I'm not being chased.

[after young guys offer to carry Bryson and Katz's backpacks across the water]

Bill Bryson: Nice guys.

Stephen Katz: Yep.

Bill Bryson: I hate 'em.

Stephen Katz: Me, too.

Bunkhouse Peter: [Discussion about backpack types]

Bunkhouse Peter: What made you buy an XT-85?

Bill Bryson: I thought it was easier than carrying everything in my arms.

Sam Bryson: It's just kinda insane, Dad. The whole thing, at your age? Fit people in their 20's can't do it, Dad. It takes five months and five millions steps.

Bill Bryson: Of walking?

Sam Bryson: Yes.

Bill Bryson: I've been doing it for a while, you know.

Sam Bryson: Dad, hiking is not walking. Two thousand people a year try to do this. Less than 10% make it.

Bill Bryson: You ought to see the statistics on how many people finish writing a book.

Bill Bryson: So, how are you with bears?

Stephen Katz: Well, they haven't gotten me yet.

[laughs]

Bill Bryson: Well, you know there can't be a black bear within 1,500 miles of Des Moines, Katz.

Stephen Katz: That's what I'm saying, man. Those fuckers keep their distance.

Bill Bryson: You said I couldn't go alone.

Catherine Bryson: Well, presuming you were going to get somebody responsible.

Bill Bryson: You don't even know him...

Catherine Bryson: Well, I know the stories.

Bill Bryson: Didn't he have a drinking problem?

Catherine Bryson: We all had drinking problems.

Bill Bryson: Well, you two ended up on each other's nerves in Europe.

Catherine Bryson: No, no, no, no. We started out on each other's nerves. We ended up despising each other.

Stephen Katz: [about an amorous young couple] Holy shit. I wish I was still 20.

Bill Bryson: I wish I was still 50.

Bill Bryson: [having fallen into the water] That went well.

Stephen Katz: [flailing face down] It was refreshing.

Stephen Katz: What seems to be the problem?

Beulah: [struggling with the washing machine] I'm having a difficult time removing my panties.

Stephen Katz: Well, luckily you're in the presence of an expert.

Stephen Katz: In your absence, my romantic life has taken a turn for the better. Remember the laundromat? Her name is Beulah.

Bill Bryson: Seriously?

Stephen Katz: Yeah, seriously. And she's got a beautiful body. Buried under two hundred pounds of fat. But then, you know I kinda like a little meat on the bone.

Bill Bryson: Sure, as long as you don't have to remove a wall to get her out of the house.

Stephen Katz: [about his whiskey bottle] You know, Bryson, I wasn't actually hiding this. I wasn't lying about being dry either. The thing is, Bryson, I love to drink. Everything about it. I love the taste. And that buzz you get after you've had a couple. I love the smell of the tavern, right down to the urinal cakes. Hmm. But instead of going into the taverns like everybody else, I go home to my little apartment, and heat my TV dinner, and feel all virtuous like I'm supposed to.

[sighs]

Stephen Katz: But you know, night after night it's hard to persuade yourself that you're living a rich and thrilling existence. I mean, if they had a fun-o-meter the needle wouldn't exactly be jumping into the orgasmic zone. You know what I'm saying?

[sighs]

Stephen Katz: I mean, there's just this hole in my life where drinking used to be.

[sighs heavily]

Stephen Katz: I know I can't drink. I mean, one drink will lead to 10. And the next thing, I'll find myself underneath a bridge somewhere.

Stephen Katz: That's why I carry this. To remind myself that I can. Or maybe I carry it in case I can't.

Trail Head Taxi Driver: Hey, where you guys from?

Bill Bryson: Iowa.

Stephen Katz: That's not possible. No such thing as a Red Sox fan from Iowa.

[last lines]

Stephen Katz: [on a postcard to Bill] Never buy underpants for a woman you don't know.

Stephen Katz: [on a postcard to Bill] Fuckers still didn't get me.

Stephen Katz: [on a postcard to Bill] Bryson, just wondering, what's next?

[the young guys from earlier are the ones about to rescue them]

Bill Bryson: Nice fellas.

Stephen Katz: Yeah.

Bill Bryson: I love those guys.

Stephen Katz: Me, too.

Bill Bryson: Hey, Stephen?

Stephen Katz: Yeah?

Bill Bryson: Do you want to go home?

Stephen Katz: Yeah, I do. I really do.

Bill Bryson: We weren't even close, were we?

Stephen Katz: What are you talking about? We did it, Bryson.

Bill Bryson: We never even laid eyes on Mount Katahdin.

Stephen Katz: Another mountain? How many mountains do you need to see?

Bill Bryson: That's one way of looking at it.

Stephen Katz: The only way of looking at it. As far as I'm concerned, we walked the Appalachian Trail. We walked it in the heat, we walk it in the snow, we walked it until our feet bled. We hiked the Appalachian Trail, Bryson.

Bill Bryson: Maybe you're right.