[from trailer]

Garrison Keillor: We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
[from trailer]

Dusty: Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken.
Lola Johnson: This isn't really going to be your last show, is it?

Garrison Keillor: Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

Rhonda Johnson: Thank you, Plato. Kierkegaard.
Al, Stage Manager: About that obscene song you sang last week...

Dusty: Obscene? Uh...

Al, Stage Manager: Yeah.

Dusty: 'I'll give you my moonshine if you show me your jugs'?

Al, Stage Manager: No, not that one.

Dusty: ' Lovin' you ain't easy, but I hear your sister is'?

Al, Stage Manager: No, no, no. 'Come ride my pony all night long. 'Come ride him bareback, I'll sing you a song.' That one.

Dusty: That's just a song about ridin' a pony. Oh, what - what the hell did you think it was about?

Al, Stage Manager: Let's go out with a little style, Okay? What do you say?
Yolanda Johnson: How about just a moment of silence?

Garrison Keillor: Silence on the radio... I don't know how that works.
Dusty: [singing] I used to work in Chicago, at a convenience store. / I used to work in Chicago. I did but I don't anymore. / A lady walked in with some porcelain skin and I asked her what she came in for. / "Liquor," she said, and lick her I did, and I don't work there anymore.
Garrison Keillor: The penguin joke. Two penguins standing on an ice floe. And the first penguin says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." And the second penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?"

Dangerous Woman: Is there more?

Garrison Keillor: No.

Dangerous Woman: That's the joke?

Garrison Keillor: Uh huh.

Dangerous Woman: Why is that funny?

Garrison Keillor: I guess it's funny because people laugh at it.

Dangerous Woman: I'm not laughing.

Garrison Keillor: You're an angel.
Lola Johnson: What if you die some day?

Garrison Keillor: I will die.

Lola Johnson: Don't you want people to remember you?

Garrison Keillor: I don't want them to be told to remember me.
Dangerous Woman: When I used to listen to them, it was like they were all my really good friends.

Axeman: But something else happened, right?

Dangerous Woman: Right.

Axeman: Well, I'm that something else.
Guy Noir: A lot of good people up there on the stage. A lot of them. I mean, I'm a man of the world like yourself. But these folks put their lives into this.

Axeman: Now they can put their lives into something else. That's the beauty of the world. There's always something to put your life into, isn't there? It's like the scripture tells us, you have to lose your life before you can find it.
Axeman: The plaster around the proscenium is beautiful. We should really be taping this.

Guy Noir: It's a live radio show.

Axeman: Videotape, for historical purposes.
Dusty: Hey, uh... hey, Lefty. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Lefty: What'd he say?

Dusty: It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?
Guy Noir: This radio show was done out of an old theater called the Fitzgerald and it had been on the air since Jesus was in the third grade.
Molly: [to Garrison] The show's running 6 minutes short, Lola is going to sing a song, and your barn doors are open.
Guy Noir: And her hair! It was what God had in mind when he said "Let there be..."

Al, Stage Manager: Hair, right?
Yolanda Johnson: It's an old Carter family song, right?

Lola Johnson: A what?

Yolanda Johnson: Carter family, sweetheart. Just like us, only famous.
Jearlyn Steele: [singing] The day is short, The night is long, Why do we work so hard, To get what we don't even want?
Yolanda Johnson: Duct tape will not make an honest man out of you.
Lola Johnson: [singing] She shot that bastard in the heart, And ruined his nice suit!
Guy Noir: She had a Mount Rushmore t-shirt on, and those guys never looked so good. Especially Jefferson and Lincoln. Kind of bloated but happy.
Dangerous Woman: The death of an old man is not a tragedy. Forgive him his shortcomings, and thank him for all his love and care.
Dusty, Lefty: [singing] Bad jokes, Lord, I love 'em. / Bad jokes, can't get enough of em. / O-o-o-whee, / Bad jokes for me.
Dusty: [singing] When God created woman / He gave her not two breasts but three. / When the middle one got in the way, / God performed surgery. / Woman stood before God / With the middle breast in hand / Said,"What do we do with the useless boob?" / And God created man.
Dangerous Woman: Do you believe in the fullness of time and the spirit? Most people don't, you know. It would be good, Mr. Noir, if you would open your heart to the fullness of time and the spirit, which upholds and sustains us through all this world. Amen.

Guy Noir: Whatever you say.
Lefty: The blind man's seeing eye dog pissed on the blind man's shoe. The blind man said "Here Rover, here's a piece of beef for you." His wife said "Don't reward him, you can't just let that pass." The blind man said "I gotta find his mouth so I can kick him in the ass."
Dusty: Did you hear about the Viagra shipment that got stolen?

Lefty: No. Who do they think did it?

Dusty: Well, they don't know, but they're on the look out for hardened criminals.
Lefty: Did you know that diarrhea was hereditary?

Dusty: No, I didn't.

Lefty: Yeah, it runs in your genes.
Lefty: What do you get when you cross holy water with castor oil?

Dusty: I don't know, Lefty. What do you get?

Lefty: A religious movement.
[first lines]

Radio Announcer: Market reports today, barrows and gilts uh two hundred twenty to two hundred sixty pounds, they're lower at forty dollars uh sows are steady three hundred five hundred pounds thirty four to thirty seven dollars going over to feeder cattle, beef steers - one hundred twenty to one hundred fifty dollars and two hundred to three hundred

[fade out]
Rhonda Johnson: Hey, that was a terrific eulogy you gave old man Soderbergh at his memorial service.

Garrison Keillor: Thank you.

Guy Noir: Too bad the old coot couldn't have been there to hear it.

Yolanda Johnson: Yeah... and to have missed it by just a few days.
Rhonda Johnson: Oh, it's big. It's movin' like monkeys.
Guy Noir: They got old, babe. They started thinking about ease and comfort. Then I figure, they saw a brochure about an island with palm trees and an azure sky and miles of sand, and they thought: ''Hey! Ah! Ah! We don't have to suffer through these miserable Minnesota winters. We don't have to freeze our butts off waiting for our bus to come, our bus has come. It's here. We'll leave the business to the kids and we'll head for paradise and to hell with it.'' Only trouble is, the kids had already gone down to paradise ahead of them. So then, a big corporation down in Texas offered then a gazillion dollars for it. Texans. Sure. They talk funny and their eyes don't focus and their flesh is rotting and falling off, but hey. You know. So what? Yeah, nobody's perfect and, Uh... Money is money, so the Soderbergs took the dough. End of story. Do you have any tweezers?
Guy Noir: Noir's the name. Guy Noir.
Guy Noir: It was a rainy Saturday night in St. Paul and I had just finished off a grilled cheese sandwich with beans for a chaser.
Guy Noir: I'd taken temporary employment about six years before doing security for a radio show called "A Prairie Home Companion" on account of a serious cash-flow problem due to a lack of missing heiresses and dead tycoons lying in the solarium with lipstick stains on their smoking jackets. In other words, I was broke.
Guy Noir: It was curtains and everybody knew it, but nobody said so. They were Midwesterners. They felt like if you ignored bad news, it might go away. Not my philosophy, but I'm not from here.
Guy Noir: Stay on the edge of the crowd. Keep your eyes open. That's my motto.
Guy Noir: A quiet night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still looking for the answers to life's persistent questions. That's me.
Rhonda Johnson: Hey, Rich, that's that Honolulu mama, how she could dance in her pink pajamas when she took off her Oahu Oahu Oahu.
Lefty: Now, how long you been doin' this?

Garrison Keillor: Doin' what? Puttin' my pants on?

Lefty: How long you been doin' radio?

Garrison Keillor: Oh. I don't know. Thirty-some years, I guess. Started out in Mark Twain Days, Mississippi River and they hired me to play Huck Finn. I was running a raft on the Mississippi and carrying people across, and, it ran into the wake of a steamboat.
Guy Noir: She gave me a smile so sweet - you could've poured it on your pancakes.
Guy Noir: She was wearing a white trench coat - so white that rain would be embarrassed to fall on it.
Guy Noir: The skirt she was wearing was so tight you could read - the embroidery on her underwear. It said, 'Wash in lukewarm water and spin lightly.'
Guy Noir: She was looking for the Presbyterian Church. Like a dope, I told her where it was. And out of my life she went, just as - quickly and erotically as she had entered it.
Garrison Keillor: Are you tired of your current herring? Has it lost that certain something that you expect in a pickled fish product? If so, maybe it's time you try Jens Jenson. It's the Lake Superior herring that's made the old-fashioned Norwegian way.
Yolanda Johnson: What are you writin'?

Lola Johnson: A poem.

Yolanda Johnson: Oh, a poem. What's it about?

Lola Johnson: Suicide..

Rhonda Johnson: Oh, my God.

Yolanda Johnson: Oh. Okay. Well, you know what my philosophy is.

Lola Johnson: Yes, I do, so don't tell me.

Yolanda Johnson: I think that you gotta be grateful for everything that happens to you because that's what got you here, you know? And if you hadn't gone through all the things that you went through, why, you know, you wouldn't have wound up where you are now. So, I don't know. Disappointment doesn't get you anywhere.
Yolanda Johnson: Well, one door closes and another one opens and - you know, everything is a step along the way and it all leads to something else.
Lola Johnson: Soliloquy for a Blue Guitar: Death is easy, Like jumping into the big, blue air, And waving hello to God. God is love, But he doesn't necessarily drop everything, To catch you, does he? So, when you hook the hose up to your tailpipe, Don't expect to wake up and get toast for breakfast. The toast is you.
Garrison Keillor: [singing] Around the corner, an old dog appears, Sits in the summer sun, Waiting for love to come, Wish you were here, Wish you were here...
Rhonda Johnson: And the next week, we're back doin' the county fair circuit, changin' our petticoats in the ladies' toilet and the boys tryin' to peek in. That was the only good part about it. Then, you have to go outdoors and sing in the open air with a cloud of mosquitoes around your head.
Makeup Lady: I mean, how do you just walk away from somethin' like that? I mean, what are we? Used Kleenex?
Dusty: Can you tell potato face here that his butt is too big for his pants and people can see his crack and it ain't nothin' any normal person would ever care to look at?

Lefty: Where?

Dusty: In the back. That's where your crack is.
Rhonda Johnson, Yolanda Johnson: [singing] All the world, Is so sad and dreary, Everywhere I roam...

Yolanda Johnson: Oh, oh, oh

Rhonda Johnson, Yolanda Johnson: Oh, Mama, How I missed the prairie...

Yolanda Johnson: E-e-e-e!

Rhonda Johnson: Ha ha.

Yolanda Johnson: Ha ha.

Rhonda Johnson, Yolanda Johnson: And my Minnesota - home...
Garrison Keillor: We are not a sunshiny people. We're not a paradise people or a beach people. We are dark people. People who believed it could be worse. And we're waiting for it to become worse.
Garrison Keillor: Let's welcome 'em now the old trail hands here, the Pachelbels of the Prairie, the Brahmses of the Bunkhouse. Here they are, Dusty and Lefty. Good to have you with us.
Dusty: My horse is extremely smart. Uh, he knows math. He knows physics and chemistry; but, I can't seem to teach him philosophy.

Garrison Keillor: Can't teach him philosophy, eh?

Dusty: Well, no. You can't put Descartes before the horse.
Yolanda Johnson: [singing] You have left me and gone to another, All my hopes and bridges are burned,

Yolanda Johnson, Garrison Keillor: But I will pawn you my gold watch and chain, love, And I will pawn you my gold wedding ring, I will pawn you this heart in my bosom, Only say that you'll love me again, Only say that you'll love me again

Yolanda Johnson: Only say that you'll love me again
Garrison Keillor: Coffee. Yes, Jearlyn, nothing stimulates a person, keeps you focused, quite like good old caffeine.

Jearlyn Steele: Black coffee.

Garrison Keillor: Mmm. So good. I'm glad you like it, too.

Garrison Keillor, Jearlyn Steele: [singing] Smells so lovely when you pour it, You will want to drink a quart of coffee, It's delicious all alone, It's also good with donuts, Black coffee

Jearlyn Steele: Coffee stimulates your urges

Garrison Keillor: It's served in Lutheran churches

Jearlyn Steele: Keeps the Swedes and the Germans

Garrison Keillor: Awake through the sermons

Garrison Keillor, Jearlyn Steele: Have a pot of it today, I'm sure you'll say it's awfully good coffee
Lunch Lady: Honey? It's me. Ready or not, here I come. I am lookin' for a big hot dog to put in my bun, you old dog, you.
Guy Noir: If anyone else knows about this and they're not saying anything, I need to know about that.
Dangerous Woman: I used to listen to your show - until I died.
Dangerous Woman: I was driving up to this cabin up north and you were telling a story and I was laughing. And then the car skidded off the road and into a ditch and it flipped. And as it did, the thought occurred to me - that the story just wasn't that funny.
Guy Noir: You're angelic enough for me. I say spread your wings and fly.
Garrison Keillor: We don't look back in radio. That's the beauty of it. Nobody gets old. Nobody dies. We just - keep on goin'.

Lola Johnson: What if you died?

Garrison Keillor: I will!
Garrison Keillor: You're gonna want to have a whole freezer full of Prince of Pizzas. It's the frozen pizza that tastes homemade always. Made from real Minnesota cheese and sausage.

[singing]

Garrison Keillor: One Prince of Pizza slice, Puts me in paradise, Sausage and extra cheese, Onions and anchovies...
Guy Noir: Here's to happy endings.

Molly: Happy endings!
Lefty: [singing] When a beautiful young naked woman, Stood up in front of the group, She offered Gramps some super sex, And he said, 'I'll take the soup'!
Dusty: [singing] The farmer had a champion bull, Who bred 200 times a year, The farmer's wife said, '200 times?' 'Isn't that wonderful, dear?' 'Maybe you ought to watch him', 'Maybe he'll show you how', The farmer said, 'He's a heck of a bull', 'But it wasn't all with the same cow'
Garrison Keillor: That's our show. Remember to keep your feet on the ground, your hopes up high, pray for rain, keep the humor dry. And eat those Powdermilk Biscuits. Thank you, everybody.

Garrison Keillor, Rhonda Johnson, Yolanda Johnson, Lola Johnson, Dusty, Lefty, Jearlyn Steele: [singing] Come and sit by my side if you love me, Do not hasten to bid me adieu, But remember the Red River Valley, And the one who has loved you so true...
Guy Noir: [singing] So gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Oh, time is still a-flying, This same flower that smiles today, Tomorrow - Will be dying.
Rhonda Johnson: There's all sorts of towns we haven't played. I mean, you've got Gooseberry Falls and Lake Winnebigoshish. Up in Lake Winnebigoshish a lot of people are waitin' to see us.
Guy Noir: Look who just blew in from the old prairie. I thought you left town ahead of the sheriff?

Dusty: Well, the woman decided not to press charges.

Rhonda Johnson: Oh, yeah? What was the crime? Snorin'?
Lola Johnson: Sign there.

Yolanda Johnson: What is this?

Lola Johnson: I have to get your assets working again.

Yolanda Johnson: My what?

Lola Johnson: Your assets.

Yolanda Johnson: Oh. Oh!
Molly: What was it called?

Robin Williams: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

Garrison Keillor: No, it's Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.

Robin Williams: That's what I said.
Radio Cook: The way I like to do it is I take one can of cream of mushroom soup and then one package of egg noodles. I like the egg noodles better than the I-talian ones.
Radio Evangelist: If we look at what the Lord said in the book of Revelation, you can be sure that there's a price to pay - for the way of the flesh - and that price will be paid...