A Million Ways to Die in the West Quotes

[from trailer]

Edward: This is my first vagina.

Ruth: You've never seen one?

Edward: No. I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.

[pause while character lifts up skirt]

Edward: It's, uhh, it's, it's that, right?

Ruth: Oh yeah, it's this, it's like from here to here.

Edward: Oh.

Ruth: But this is just the outside, there's these folds.

Edward: Okay, I'm gonna close the bible now.

Clinch: Where did you learn to shoot?

Albert: Your wife.

Edward: Oh, snap!

George Stark: You're late!

Albert: For what?

George Stark: Fair enough.

[last lines]

Gunman at Fair in Final Scene: Somebody bring me one of them white women.

Albert: ...and all I had to do was distract you while the poison entered your bloodstream.

Edward: Albert, he's dead. He's been dead for a few minutes.

Albert: Oh. Well, did he at least hear all the smart things I said?

Louise: You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.

Albert: Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.

Millie: You're okay with your girlfriend screwing, like, 15 different guys every day and getting paid to do it?

Edward: Oh, my job sucks too.

Anna: So how did you guys meet?

Albert: She moved to town a couple of years ago to take over the schoolmarm job. Our old schoolmarm got her throat slit by a fast moving tumbleweed.

Anna: You're a good sheep farmer!

Albert: Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.

Anna: Really?

Albert: Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars.

Prairie Dog: Squeak!

Albert: [Cowering] It knows!

Chinese Date: My father is a railroad worker, like every other Chinaman.

Albert: Oh. Does he like his job?

Chinese Date: How should I know? I never see him. Do you know what kind of hours he has to work?

Albert: All the live long day?

Albert: [At target practice] I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.

Anna: Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.

Albert: Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.

Anna: I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?

Albert: Oh, fuck that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of fucking aggravation.

Anna: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.

Albert: I don't know...

Anna: Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as fuck.

Albert: Oh, you're very modest, I see.

Anna: I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.

Albert: You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...

Ruth: Albert! He's dead. You did it.

Albert: Oh.

Ruth: Yeah.

Albert: Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?

Edward: Uh... No. No, I don't think so.

Albert: Oh. Well, it was still good though.

Edward: Yeah, it was great!

Ruth: I thought it was really good.

[first lines]

Narrator: Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the American frontier in 1882, a hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was Miss America in 1880.

[picture of a leathery middle-aged woman]

Narrator: Holy shit. To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. The men who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered. But some men were just big giant pussies.

[Stark comes running around the corner and falls and his face]

Anna: God, why are the Indians always so mad?

Albert: I don't know.

Anna: I mean we're basically splitting this country 50/50 with them.

Albert: They're just selfish.

Anna: Come on, let's go.

Albert: No, no, no, no! I suck at dancing.

Anna: No one will notice.

Albert: How will they not notice?

Anna: 'Cause you suck at everything.

Albert: Hey, sorry I killed your husband.

Anna: Oh God, that was never gonna work out anyway. He was Methodist, I'm half Jewish.

Albert: Yeah... Are you? You are?

Anna: No.

Albert: Oh, thank God.

Anna: You're not really Arabic, are you?

Albert: No, no, no, no.

Anna: Oh, thank God, 'cause I was like,

[mimics gun to her head]

Anna: Ah, kill me.

Albert: I know, right?

Albert: The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.

Louise: What is that?

Albert: It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us.

[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]

Albert: Hello?

[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]

Albert: What, uh... what's that?

Doc Brown: Nothing.

[stammers]

Doc Brown: It's a weather experiment.

Albert: Oh.

[closes the door]

Doc Brown: Great Scott!

Edward: Man, I see kids everywhere with those stick hoops lately.

Albert: I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?

Edward: Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.

Albert: Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.

Edward: Yep.

Albert: You're going home every night to your girlfriend who loves you, you're having sex with her...

Edward: Uh, no. Ruth and I have... we've never done that.

Albert: What do you mean you never... you never had sex with Ruth?

Edward: Yeah, n-no. Yeah.

Albert: Wait, doesn't she have sex with like ten guys every day at the whorehouse?

Edward: On a slow day, yeah.

Albert: But you guys have never had sex?

Edward: No. No, Ruth wants to wait till we get married. You know, she's a Christian and so am I and we wanna save ourselves for our wedding night.

Albert: Edward, have you... have you ever had sex with anyone?

Edward: Well, there was some stuff with my uncle but that was, you know, it's really hard to remember all that stuff.

Albert: Why are you laughing?

Cowboy at Fair: I don't know. Because he was laughing.

Albert: That is our Mayor, he is dead. He has been lying there dead for three days, no one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town, has been a dead guy.

[Two wolves drag dead body away]

Albert: Oh, look at that, look at that. Wolves are dragging the body away, as to illustrate my point. Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor. Bye, have fun becoming wolve's shit, Bye. God!