A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy Quotes

Ariel: Andrew, we'll get killed!

Andrew: No, no. Don't be silly. Trust me, it's me, Andrew... Trust me anyhow.

Ariel: How's your marriage?

Andrew: My marriage is fine.

Ariel: Ya?...

Andrew: It's not working but it's fine.

Ariel: He taught me a lot...

Andrew: Like what?

Ariel: Like how to listen to Mozart.

Andrew: With your ears, right?

Dulcy: A hammock! That's so nostalgic for me. I lost it in a hammock.

Adrian: Pardon me?

Dulcy: You have to have really good balance.

Maxwell: Andrew, are you all right?

Andrew: Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose

Maxwell: You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Andrew, Maxwell: Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.

Maxwell: He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...

Andrew: Yeah? Who overcharges me?

Maxwell: But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?

Andrew: I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.

Andrew: Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?

Maxwell: She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off of me on the way up here.

Andrew: Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.

Maxwell: You only live once, Andrew, you know that.

Maxwell: I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.

Andrew: Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up.

Maxwell: I never felt like this. The moment I smelled her I loved her.

Andrew: Well, smell someone else. She's taken.

Leopold: So, you're an inventor, hey?

Andrew: Crackpot inventor...

Adrian: Andrew's invented a wedding present for you and Ariel. Tell 'em about that.

Andrew: It's a silly apparatus that takes the bones out of fish, and if you prefer, although there's no point to it, it puts bones in fish.

Ariel: I don't love you.

Maxwell: Because you don't know me. Give me ten minutes, ten lousy minutes.

Ariel: You showed me your latest invention.

Andrew: Of course, my musical house slippers. Remember that?

Leopold: I had the privilege of escorting Ariel through the Sistine Chapel for the first time in her life and explaining to her exactly why Michelangelo's ceiling was indeed great.

Ariel: When Raphael first laid eyes on it, he fainted.

Andrew: Had he eaten?

Adrian: [Referring to sex] I can't! It's disgusting!

Andrew: How can it be disgusting? I don't even have my clothes off.

Andrew: Adrian, this is the kitchen table. What are you doing?

Adrian: Making...

Andrew: We cannot have intercourse where we eat oatmeal!

Dulcy: [Aroused] Leopold, bite me. Harder. Harder!

Leopold: I can't. These are not my teeth.

[first lines]

Leopold: Ghosts or little spirits or pixies, I don't believe in them. Do you Mr. Foxx?

Student Foxx: No, sir.

Leopold: You sounded, with all your metaphysical gibberish.

Student Foxx: Well, I didn't mean ghosts or spirits, professor.

Leopold: Nothing is real, but experience. That which can be touched, tasted felt, or in some scientific fashion proved. We must never substitute qualitative events that are marked by similar properties and reoccurrences for fixed substances.

Leopold: Metaphysical philosophers are simply men who are too weak to accept the world as it is. Their theories of the so-called mysteries of life, are nothing more than projections of their own inner uneasiness. Apart from this world, there are *no* realities.

Student: But, that leaves many basic human needs - unanswered.

Leopold: I'm sorry. I did not create the cosmos, I merely explain it.

Professor: Is is boorish of me to ask you to inscribe your books?

Leopold: Not at all.

Professor: I agree with you about Balzac, Leopold. He's vastly overrated.

Leopold: Come now, gentlemen. Am I to be over-praised merely for the accomplishments of being a civilized human?

Bearded Professor: And what after the wedding, Leopold?

Leopold: We are only having one week of leisure; which we will spend in London. A long waited opportunity to show her Thomas Carlyle's grave. Following that, we depart for the Continent, where I have - eh - consented to give a series of lectures on Renaissance art. It will be a pleasure to bring Tintoretto into perspective for his innumerable sycophants.

Adrian: You know, Maxwell, I don't know where he comes up with some of these women.

Andrew: Well, you know, Maxwell, he's a doctor; so, these poor women are in the tubercular ward, they show him gratitude.

Adrian: Yeah, well, don't think I don't notice you - you leering at his buxom little weekend guests.

Andrew: I leer! I admit it! I look. I leer. I salivate. I salivated the day that I met you!

Carstairs: [kiss] Oh, Maxwell.

[kiss]

Carstairs: Mmm.

[kiss]

Carstairs: Sweetheart, listen.

[kiss]

Carstairs: We can't go on like this.

Maxwell: Why not?

[kiss]

Carstairs: Mmm. Because my husband is beginning to realize there's nothing wrong with me.

[kiss]

Maxwell: It's medically sound to have periodic checkups.

[kiss]

Carstairs: Yes, but, not so many! The President doesn't have this kind of healthcare.

[puts back on her dress]

Maxwell: What are you smiling at, Miss Ford?

Dulcy: Oh, I was thinking about something I'd read in The Katzenjammer Kids.

Maxwell: Did you not know that I had my eye on you these last two weeks?

Dulcy: Why, I've only been working here for five days.

Maxwell: Oh, I lose track. You always seem so shy around me.

Dulcy: The nurses on the floor say you're fast.

Maxwell: Me?

Dulcy: I mean, I think you're handsome.

Maxwell: Come with me, we'll have a fabulous weekend. We'll sun and swim and drink beer. Naturally, I'll make sure we have separate rooms.

Dulcy: We don't need separate rooms.

Andrew: You never have any interests in getting married? Right?

Maxwell: I don't stick around long enough to fall in love, Andrew. You know what I'm like. Marriage for me is the death of hope.

Adrian: She's very free-thinking and forward, isn't she?

Andrew: Who? Ariel Weymouth?

Adrian: No, Dulcy. She seems to give off animal vibrations.

Andrew: No, she's a nurse, you know.

Adrian: Well, not every nurse is sexy.

Andrew: But, they're very knowledgable about the body. You know, they know exactly how all the organs function; so, they're wonderful.

Adrian: Maybe I should ask for lessons?

Andrew: [enthusiastically] You know, I bet she'd be willing to answer any questions you might have.

Adrian: I was just joking. You think I need lessons?

Dulcy: [showing off her swimsuit] Do you like it?

Maxwell: No, No. Not a bit. You know, my blood pressure is always 90 over 680.

Dulcy: It drives them wild at Coney Island. But, if we're going to be in a country stream, why do I have to wear anything at all?

Dulcy: I brought some contraceptives with me, in case you forgot.

Maxwell: Oh, good; because, I only brought 300.

[kiss]

Maxwell: Blue Moon Glow.

Ariel: That's exactly right! I'm amazed! I didn't think they sold it in this country.

Maxwell: Well, an old love of mine wore it - a ballerina from Spain.

Ariel: And the scent you're wearing, is that Bay Rum?

Maxwell: Yes! That's exactly right. From the - straight from the corner drug store. Well, we recognize each other's smells. In the Animal Kingdom, we'd be married.

Dulcy: I've been to Paris twice; but, I was miserable both times. Probably because I was there with the wrong person.

Ariel: Oh, that's - that's important. Because, it's such a romantic place. If two people are really in love, a city like Paris becomes a great medium for which to explore their feelings. Don't you think, Leopold?

Leopold: I like large cities.

Ariel: Oh, and in the rain! Mmm.

Maxwell: So, how did you and Leopold meet?

Ariel: We were both tourists at St. Peter's in Rome.

Maxwell: You picked her up at the Vatican, Leopold?

Ariel: My whole life I wanted to see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Leopold: I met her in the Basilica before one of the lesser Madonnas. I couldn't resist the impulse to speak with this heavenly creature.

Andrew: Do you have any idea how much I lusted after you?

Ariel: Well, why didn't you do something? I wanted you to!

Andrew: You were this diplomat's daughter, raised by nuns, you know, I was shy! We were not in love. It was pure animal lust!

Ariel: That's just what I was in the mood for.

Andrew: I know, I know I missed an opportunity. I regretted it ever since. You know, that's the saddest thing in life, a missed opportunity. That was particularly rotten in this case; because, after you left, a month after you went to Europe, I learned, only then, that you were and had been sleeping with everyone. Everyone!

Ariel: Not everyone! Well, maybe it was everyone.

Andrew: I wouldn't have been the first. I would have been the twenty-first. Writers! Bankers! Poets! The entire infield of the Chicago White Sox.

Ariel: You have to admit, I wasn't one of your shrinking, mousy, inhibited little virgins.

Andrew: No, that's the understatement of the century.

Ariel: What did you want me to do? Take charge? You didn't act like you wanted anything.

Andrew: Well, I was used to slower women!

Leopold: When prehistoric man roamed these very woods, naked and savage.

Dulcy: You mean the good old days?

Leopold: Yes! You think you'd like to see some long-haired neanderthal, his primitive weapon in hand, stalking through the brush like an animal, never dreaming that someday he will be extinct and *culture* will be the order of the day.

Dulcy: Well, I'd like to try it for one night.

Dulcy: There's another sapsucker!

Maxwell: How come everything you say sounds dirty?

Adrian: You were fishing with Ariel for such a long time.

Andrew: So? I couldn't get the fish to bite, that's all. What am I gonna do?

Andrew: You, I have to take to a hypnotist.

Adrian: Why?

Andrew: Why? So we can start making love again. Of course, you'd be in trance. But, that's okay!

Adrian: That's a horrible thing to say.

Dulcy: I wouldn't mind learning chess.

Leopold: I feel it would be tame for you.

Dulcy: Well, I like the way the stallions look.

Leopold: They're called knights. That's a knight. Not a stallion.

Andrew: You just lust after her, that's all. You're not in love with her. You want to sleep with her.

Maxwell: How could anyone just want to sleep with such a dream? Not that I don't. She's hot! She's very hot.

Andrew: I know.

Maxwell: You know, the ones that are incredible in bed are ones that are raised in a convent.

Andrew: Maxwell, do me a favor. Go play with your butterfly net.

Leopold: Have you ever made love with a much older man?

Dulcy: Yes.

Leopold: Illicitly? In the woods?

Dulcy: Yes.

Leopold: Was he a genius.

Dulcy: He was a dentist.

Andrew: All right, now I know my flying bicycle won't handle that weight, that's all.

Ariel: We could have been killed!

Andrew: Not killed. Not killed. Crippled! Here, here. You're shaking.

Ariel: That lake is cold.

Andrew: You're shivering. Come on, you're shaking. You know, you're wet.

Ariel: I know I'm wet!

Dulcy: It's like swimming. It's a measured stroke. And remember, here's the key: when the sperm count is low, they won't listen to reason. But, when the sperm count is high, they'll do anything you want.

Adrian: It sounds awfully clinical.

Dulcy: Well, we're just going over some basics. But, if you love the guy, it should all come together with a certain sense of danger and excitement. You shouldn't just limit yourself to the bedroom. It should be full of surprise and spontaneity. It shouldn't be routine.

Adrian: Where will you settle after you marry?

Leopold: I've taken a townhouse near the University. I can't wait for Ariel to meet the professors and their wives. Already I'm the envy of entire faculty. You'll adore Professor Eddy and his wife. They're a very entertaining couple with a kind of a theme to their marriage. You see, he specializes in Dr. Johnson and she teaches Boswell. So, they're an entertaining, amusing couple and I look forward to many wonderful chats.

Adrian: Well, to wonderful chats and Boswell and Johnson and Leopold and Ariel and this summer night and you two, of course...

Dulcy: And Maxwell.

Adrian: And to Dr. Maxwell Jordan.

Andrew: Doctor of high jinks!

Leopold: Of course, to Adrian and Andrew.

Maxwell: I believe in science and sex.

Leopold: Not love?

Maxwell: Yes. Love at first sight.

Adrian: Can there be love without sex?

Andrew: Nobody plans these things, Maxwell, they just happen. You gotta be a little mature.

Maxwell: Mature?

Andrew: That's right.

Maxwell: I'll show you what mature is. You're a backstabbing little runt!

Ariel: What are you going to do?

Maxwell: I'll go for a walk. I'll throw a rock in the brook. I'll go to sleep. I'll - don't worry, I'm not a drunken infantile idiot - I'll - I'll go back to my bedroom and I'll get anesthetized with meaningless lovemaking.

Dulcy: I couldn't sleep. So, I came downstairs to read The Katzenjammer Kids.

Leopold: Katzenjammer Kids? That's extraordinary. That's what happened in the dream.

Dulcy: What dream?

Leopold: Just now. Before I awoke. I was dreaming this.

Dulcy: Me?

Leopold: Precisely this! This is incredible. We were alone and you were lying across a sofa and you were reading and I asked you what and you said, "Katzenjammer Kids." And I thought it was funny. And then, your robe fell open, slightly. Only slightly. The way it is now. And I was taken with a great erotic fervor. And all the terrible thoughts of my whole life, that I'd been afraid to unleash, poured forth.

Dulcy: How did I react?

Leopold: Then you pressed your lips to mine and then the scene changed. And we were two savages in the wilderness. It was a prehistoric era. And I was a neanderthal, hunting my enemies with primitive weapons, and loving you uninhibitedly!

Dulcy: Jesus, what did you eat before you went to bed?

Leopold: Blood! Blood! I've drawn blood! And I relished it!

Dulcy: Leopold, what's gotten into you?

Leopold: I've returned from the hunt.

Dulcy: Leopold, what's an intellectual genius like you want with a simple young nurse like me?

Adrian: It was a perfect moon lite summer night. He put his hands on my breasts and my blood just started to boil and afterwards I've never been able to rid myself of the guilt.

Andrew: But, you enjoyed it?

Adrian: Oh, yeah, definitely! It was hot!

Ariel: You said you believed in love at first sight.

Maxwell: It's all in the smell. And you smell wonderful.

Andrew: Oh, Adrian, I'm still spinning. That was - that was a deeply religious experience on that tabletop.

Adrian: Oh, you - it's only the beginning, you know. You wait till everyone's gone. I'll show you what Dulcy calls the Mexican Cartwheel.

Andrew: Really? That sounds incredibly filthy.

Adrian: It is!

Andrew: Is it? Good, I can't wait.

Adrian: So, can you forgive me?

Andrew: Forgive you? I can ordain you this evening. You've cleared my sinuses for the summer.