A Day at the Races Quotes

[Taking a pulse]

Dr. Hackenbush: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Flo: I want to be near you. I want you to hold me. Oh! Hold me closer! Closer! Closer!

Dr. Hackenbush: If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you!

Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.

Mrs. Upjohn: Vassar? But that's a girls' college.

Dr. Hackenbush: I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.

Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.

Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, you've taken them before.

Mrs. Upjohn: Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?

Dr. Hackenbush: You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.

Whitmore: May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.

[Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam]

Dr. Hackenbush: If that's his Adam's-apple, he's got yellow fever.

Tony: He's got in-grown balloons.

[Tony offers Dr. Hackenbush a hint book]

Tony: One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.

Dr. Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.

[Hackenbush is asked to 'OK' a file]

Dr. Hackenbush: I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back later for the 'K.'

Flo: Oh doctor. Thank you.

Dr. Hackenbush: Thank "yu". Do you like gardenias?

Flo: I adore them. How did you know?

Dr. Hackenbush: I didn't, so I got you forget-me-nots. One whiff of this and you'll forget everything.

[Hackenbush hands her a wilted sunflower. He seats her and pushes in her chair at the table]

Flo: Thank you.

Dr. Hackenbush: Thank "yu".

Flo: [handing him her wrap] Do you mind?

Dr. Hackenbush: Not at all. I always take the wrap.

Flo: Oh, what is the meaning of this? Oh, why you little pest. Well!

Dr. Hackenbush: Say, what's the matter with you mugs?. Haven't you got any gallantry at all?

Tony: She's in with Whitmore. She's trying to frame you.

Dr. Hackenbush: I wouldn't mind framing her. A prettier picture, I've never seen.

Flo: Thank you.

Dr. Hackenbush: Thank yo.

Tony: Hey Doc! Doc, I'm tell you a secret - she's out to get you.

Flo: Why, I've never been so insulted in my life.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it's early yet.

Mrs. Upjohn: Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.

Dr. Leopold X. Steinberg: There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.

Dr. Hackenbush: You don't look as though you've ever met a healthy woman.

Gil: Are you a man or a mouse?

Dr. Hackenbush: You put a piece of cheese down there and you'll find out.

Tony: Have you got a woman in here?

Dr. Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted 30 minutes of valuable time!

Tony: Well, you better get her out of here! This is the last time I'm going to tell you.

Dr. Hackenbush: The last time? Can I depend on that?

Tony: Hey doc, can you see us?

Dr. Hackenbush: If I can't there's something wrong with my glasses.

Dr. Hackenbush: [examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

Tony: Told you he was sick.

Dr. Hackenbush: [pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.

Tony: That's bad.

Dr. Hackenbush: With a 1% mentality.

[Stuffy grins]

Dr. Hackenbush: He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

Tony: Hey doc. Hey doc!

Dr. Hackenbush: Huh?

Tony: You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.

Dr. Hackenbush: Here's a ten-dollar bill and shoot the change, will you?

Tony: I got-a no change. I'll have to give you nine more books.

[Stuffy has grabbed some poison to drink]

Dr. Hackenbush: Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!

[Dr. Hackenbush is pointing to a portrait of one of Judy's parents]

Dr. Hackenbush: You know, I proposed to your mother once.

Judy: But that's my father!

Dr. Hackenbush: No wonder he turned me down.

[Stuffy is getting an examination]

Dr. Hackenbush: Say "ah!"

[Stuffy opens his mouth, but says nothing]

Dr. Hackenbush: Louder!

[Stuffy does the same thing]

Dr. Hackenbush: Louder!

[Stuffy does the same thing. Dr. Hackenbush starts to leave]

Tony: What are you doing?

Dr. Hackenbush: I'm going to get my ears checked. I'm deaf.

Tony: You're not deaf. It's just him.

[Talking about Stuffy]

Tony: I think he's a ubangi.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I'll get a hammer and "ubangi" that right off.

[referring to Ms. Marlowe]

Dr. Hackenbush: You've got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She's come to talk over some old family matters.

Tony: I wish I had an aunt look like that.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, take it up with your uncle.

Mrs. Upjohn: [who has been instructed by Dr Hackenbush to wave her arms up and down, as part of a physical examination] How long do you want me to do this, Doctor?

Dr. Hackenbush: Just until you fly away.

[after taking his watch from under Steinberg's gaze and tossing it in a wash basin]

Dr. Hackenbush: I'd rather have it rusty than missing.

Tony: [disgused as an ice cream vendor] You wanna something hot?

Dr. Hackenbush: Not now, I just ate. Besides I don't like hot ice cream.

[Tony is selling Hackenbush one book after another at the race track]

Tony: Well, justa by accident I think I gotta one right here.

Dr. Hackenbush: A lotta accidents around here for a quiet neighborhood.

Tony: We come to hang the paper.

Dr. Hackenbush: How about hanging yourselves?

Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.

Whitmore: Ah, and what happened?

Dr. Hackenbush: I got the flu.

Tony: [to Stuffy] Morgan fired you, huh? He wanted you to throw the race?

Gil: Wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?

Tony: Yeah, you know he's honest!

[Stuffy's hand starts to creep into ice cream cart - Tony slams the lid of his down onto it]

Tony: He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little.

Tony: Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!

Dr. Hackenbush: I notice he wins all the time.

Tony: Aw, just because he comes in first.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.

Judy: If you'll excuse me, I'll go and bring in the rest of the staff.

Dr. Hackenbush: [to Whitmore] Why don't you go out and bring in something. Preferably your resignation.

Judy: And do be nice to Mrs. Upjohn, won't you?

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, she's not exactly my type, but for you I'd make love to a crocodile!

Tony: Excuse, please. We're sure getting a lot of new customers since that Doctor Hac-ken-a-pus is coming.

Mrs. Upjohn: Did you say Hackenbush?

Tony: Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Upjohn: I wonder if that could be the same one! Where's he come from?

Tony: Where's your Hac-ken-a-pus come from?

Mrs. Upjohn: Palmville, Florida.

Tony: That's the one!

Judy: Who's Doctor Hackenbush?

Tony: I don't know. But if she wants a Hac-ken-a-bush, she's gonna get a Hac-ken-a-pus.

Dr. Hackenbush: Here, boy. Here, boy, eh, take these bags and run up to my room and, eh, here's a dime for yourself.

Mrs. Upjohn: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Eh, this is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.

Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter.

Mrs. Upjohn: Surely, you don't question the Doctor's ability.

Whitmore: No, not exactly. But running a sanitarium calls for a man with peculiar talents.

Dr. Hackenbush: You don't have to look any further, I've got the most peculiar talents of any doctor you've ever met.

Judy: I want to announce your association with the Sanitarium. We'll send your picture to all the papers.

Dr. Hackenbush: The Florida papers?

Judy: Yes. We want it for publicity.

Dr. Hackenbush: Publicity? Oh, we mustn't have any of that, Miss Standish. You know, the ethics of my profession.

Judy: But, we have to get new patients.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, after all, the old patients were good enough for your father.

Whitmore: [Speaking on the phone, believes he is talking to the Florida Medical Board, but, it is really Dr. Hackenbush, pretending to be Medical Board Records Department Manager, Colonel Hawkings] I want to know about Doctor Hackenbush.

[Hackenbush, in an adjacent office, buzzes the dictograph. Whitmore goes to answer it]

Whitmore: Yes?

Dr. Hackenbush: Whitmore, you'll have to cut out that squawking. The patients are all complaining.

[Talking on the phone in a Southern accent, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings]

Dr. Hackenbush: And, eh, I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.

Whitmore: I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictograph.

Dr. Hackenbush: [On the phone, pretending to be Colonel Hawkings] What was that you said, sir?

Whitmore: I was called to the dictograph!

Dr. Wilmerding: What's the matter with Mrs. Upjohn?

Doctor: Nothing, in its most violent form.

Secretary: Doctor, may I have an OK on this, please?

Dr. Hackenbush: I'm too busy right now. I"ll tell you what, I'll put the O on now and come back later for the K.

Doctor: Doctor Hackenbush.

Dr. Hackenbush: A little later.

[to his nurse]

Dr. Hackenbush: Eh, get me the Turkish bath.

Nurse: Yes sir.

Nurse: Doctor, the Turkish Bath.

[Hands him the phone]

Dr. Hackenbush: Hello. Yes, will you look in the steam room and see if my frankfurters are done?

Mrs. Upjohn: How would you like me to dance away from you?

Dr. Hackenbush: I'd be satisfied if you'd dance off my feet.

Mrs. Upjohn: Hugo, I'm disappointed in you. To think of you dancing with that strange woman.

Dr. Hackenbush: Well, don't think of it. Think of me dancing with you.

Tony: Ah, signorina, gentile, e bella. Oh, baby, you look-a good to me.

Flo: Oh, oh-oh, stop it.

Dr. Hackenbush: Hey, wait a minute. I thought you came here to see me?

Tony: Well, I can see you from here.

Flo: Oh, oh, get up, you... oh, oh...

Flo: Oh, eh, how about a little scotch?

Dr. Hackenbush: Why, I'd love it. Oh, eh, I'll ring for some.

Flo: Thank yo.

Dr. Hackenbush: Thank yo.

[Picks up the phone]

Dr. Hackenbush: Will you have the bellhop hop up with some hop scotch.

[Hangs up phone]

Dr. Hackenbush: I'll flip you to see who pays for it.

Flo: Oh-oh, Doctor.

Flo: [Stuffy walks in wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit and starts examining Flo's bare shoulder with a magnifying glass] Oh!

Dr. Hackenbush: If you're looking for my fingerprints, you're a little early!

Whitmore: [In walk Tony and Stuffy, disguised as Doctors] Dr. Hackenbush, tell me, who sent for these men?

Dr. Hackenbush: You don't have to send for them. You just rub a lamp and they appear.

Tony: My name is Steinberg.

[Goes to shake Dr. Steinberg's hand]

Dr. Hackenbush: Dr. Steinberg, by a strange coincidence, this is another Dr. Steinberg. May I take my great friend and introduce my colleagues and good friends, another Dr. Steinberg. This is a Dr. Steinberg, Dr. Steinberg. Dr. Steinberg. And a Mrs. Steinberg. And Doctor, I'd like you to meet another Dr. Steinberg. And, eh, that's a, that's a Steinberg junior.

Dr. Hackenbush: [to Stuffy] Take her pulse. Take her pulse!

Mrs. Upjohn: [Stuffy takes Mrs. Upjohn's purse] Oh, no-no-no! My purse! My purse! My purse! He has my purse!

Dr. Hackenbush: You must forgive him, he doesn't spell very well, Mrs. Upjohn.

Dr. Hackenbush: Get me Mr. Whitmore.

[the operator calls Whitmore's office]

Whitmore: Hello?

Dr. Hackenbush: [disguising his voice as the receptionist] Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.

Whitmore: All right. Hello?

Dr. Hackenbush: [as the receptionist] Florida Medical Office, good morning.

Whitmore: I'd like to talk to the man in charge of the records, please.

Dr. Hackenbush: [as the receptionist] Record department? Just a moment, sugar dear.

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] Record department? Colonel Hawkins talking.

Whitmore: Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire from me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?

Dr. Hackenbush: [turns on the fan and holds a piece of paper next to it] I'm sorry, sir, but there's a hurricane blowing down here, and you'll have to talk a little louder! Whew, it certainly is the windiest day we ever did have. Woo, it certainly is windy!

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] And, eh, I hope, sir, that that's the information that you require.

Whitmore: I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictograph.

Dr. Hackenbush: What was that you said, sir?

Whitmore: [raises his voice] I was called to the dictograph!

Dr. Hackenbush: [Hackenbush pushes the dictograph button, and speaks to Whitmore in his normal voice] Whitmore, one more yelp out of you, and I'll have you bounced out of here!

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.

Whitmore: I'm terribly sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you.

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] I can't hear you, you'll have to talk a little louder.

Whitmore: I want to find out something about Hackenbush!

[Whitmore is called to the dictograph]

Whitmore: Well, what is it now?

Dr. Hackenbush: [in his own voice] Whitmore, that's the last time I'm going to warn you about that yowling!

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] And, in conclusion, let me say...

Whitmore: I'm sorry, Colonel, what was that you said about Hackenbush?

Dr. Hackenbush: Hacken - you mean Dr. Hackenbush? Oh no, he's not here.

Whitmore: [testily] I know he's not there, he's here!

Dr. Hackenbush: Then what are you bothering me for, Yankee?

Whitmore: But I want to know something about his Florida record.

Dr. Hackenbush: [as the operator] Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore.

Whitmore: Operator, will you get off the line? Hello, Colonel.

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] Yes?

Whitmore: Are you sure you're speaking of Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?

Dr. Hackenbush: Who?

Whitmore: Hugo Z. Hackenbush!

Dr. Hackenbush: Who's calling him?

Whitmore: The Standish Sanitarium.

Dr. Hackenbush: Yeah, that's where he works. Yeah, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there!

Whitmore: I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.

Dr. Hackenbush: What job?

Whitmore: As head of the sanitarium!

Dr. Hackenbush: Who?

Whitmore: Hackenbush!

[Hackenbush buzzes the dictaphone]

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Hackenbush] Whitmore, are you calling me?

Whitmore: No, you sap! Hello?

[goes back to the phone]

Dr. Hackenbush: [as Col. Hawkins] Yes, now, what was that name?

Whitmore: Hackenbush. Hackenbush!

Dr. Hackenbush: Uh-huh, well, as soon he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.

Whitmore: Bah!

[Whitmore hangs up in frustration]

Gil: You can't walk out on us like this.

Dr. Hackenbush: I'll say I can't. I'm gonna run out.