50/50 Quotes

Mitch: Why haven't we met Rachel?

Alan: Yeah! What the fuck?

Kyle: You could have totally fucked the shit out of that girl.

Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort.

Adam: A tumor?

Dr. Ross: Yes.

Adam: Me?

Dr. Ross: Yes.

Adam: That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...

Adam: You should go.

Rachael: [Kissing him] I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you.

Adam: No, seriously... you need to get the fuck off my porch.

Kyle: She doesn't blow you?

Adam: ...She doesn't like to.

Kyle: Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.

Adam: That's what everybody's been saying: You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not.

Katherine: You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it.

Kyle: I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I ran into Rachael.

Adam: Oh, yeah?

Kyle: And I would like to present to you what I am going to call Exhibit...

[Shows Adam a picture of Rachael kissing another man]

Kyle: *Whore*! Look at it! That's Rachael! And that's a fuckin' filthy, Jesus-looking motherfucker, and they're kissing! I did it! I fuckin' nailed you! I've hated you for months, and now I have fuckin' evidence that you suck as a person! Holy shit! Holy shit!

Adam: What were you doing when I called? Were you on Facebook?

Katherine: You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.

Adam: I wish you were my girlfriend.

Katherine: Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.

Adam: I bet you'd be a good one.

Rachael: Why am I the bad guy?

Kyle: Because you're his girlfriend, you cheated on him, and he has fucking cancer, you lunatic!

Adam: Why didn't we go to a barber?

Kyle: That would have been a good idea if we paid someone to do it.

Adam: Using your fucking balls trimmer instead of going to the barber.

Kyle: I never washed them, ever. It's not my balls, it's my asshole. I'm joking.

Adam: You're not joking.

Rachael: [Rachael has got Adam a dog, but he does not want it] "Ok, forget it i can just bring him back to the shelter in the morning."

Adam: Well then what happens to him.

Rachael: He'll be put back in his tiny cage with ten other dogs who will bully and rape him until he's eventually euthanized.

[the dog looks up appealingly]

Adam: You're 24. Wow!

Adam: So, what, are you like Doogie Howser or something?

Adam: I see. So, have you had very many patients? Or...

Katherine: My patient history is not...

Adam: I'm your first patient, aren't I?

Katherine: No. No, not at all.

Adam: Second?

Katherine: [laughs] No.

Adam: Third?

Adam: [Katherine rubs her hands together] Wow, okay, third. How are the first two doing?

[Last lines]

Katherine: So...

Adam: So...

Katherine: Now what?

[Adam smiles]

Kyle: Oh no. No, you're are not calling her man! After what she did to you? You're a pussy Adam!

Adam: You're a selfish piece of shit! Care more about getting yourself fucking laid than being my friend!

[Adam is getting chemotherapy]

Alan: Want a macaroon?

Adam: Thanks. I'm alright.

Alan: [whispering] There's weed in 'em.

Adam: I don't do weed.

Alan: C'mon. Just get high with us!

[Adam reluctantly eats a macaroon]

Mitch: How old are you?

Adam: Twenty-seven.

Alan: That's just the worst. A perfectly good youth wasted.

Mitch: Alan, stop it. Don't listen to him, he's just messing with you.

Alan: Listen to me, this cancer is bullshit. First your hair's going to fall out, then your balls'll shrink. And if that isn't enough, your dick becomes a constant source of disappointment.

[Alan and Mitch laugh]

Adam: I got to tell you, I was really nervous about this whole cancer thing, and then I met you guys, and boy do I feel better.

Alan: I'm Alan Lombardo: stage 3 lymphoma. Pleased to meet you.

Mitch: Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.

Adam: Oh, I'm Adam Lerner, schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.

Alan: What the fuck is that?

Mitch: Tough break. The more syllables, the worse it is.

Adam: I want this to be over. I'm so fucking tired of being sick... if this surgery doesn't work, that's it -

[crying]

Adam: I've never been to fucking Canada or told a girl I love her... it sounds stupid.

Katherine: No. It doesn't.

Adam: I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

Katherine: I was the asshole. I was so totally unprepared for you. This job is really hard. If I fuck up, I could ruin someone's whole life.

Adam: I guess we're both beginners at this.

Katherine: [smiles] Yeah.