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Rancho: [Repeatedly said throughout the movie] Aal izz well
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Rancho: Pursue excellence, and success will follow, pants down.
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Farhan Qureshi: [after finding out Rancho topped their exam] That day we learned, when your friend flunks, you feel bad, when he tops, you feel worse.
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Machine Class Professor: Why are you back?
Rancho: Sir, I forgot to take something...
Machine Class Professor: What?
Rancho: Instruments that record, analyse, summarise, organise, debate and explain information; that are illustrated, non-illustrated, hardbound, paperback, jacketed, non-jacketed; with foreword, introduction, table of contents, index; that are indented for the enlightenment, understanding, enrichment, enhancement and education of the human brain through sensory route of vision - sometimes touch.
Machine Class Professor: [confused] What are you trying to say?
Rancho: Books sir! I forgot to take my books.
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Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Sir: Machines are any combination of bodies so connected that their relative motions are constrained, and by which means force and motion may be transmitted and modified, as a screw and its nut, or a lever arranged to turn about a fulcrum or a pulley about its pivot, et cetera; especially, a construction, more or less complex, consisting of a combination of moving parts or simple mechanical elements, as wheels, levers, cams et cetera.
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Farhan Qureshi: Today my respect for that idiot shot up. Most of us went to college just for a degree. No degree meant no plum job, no pretty wife, no credit card, no social status. But none of this mattered to him, he was in college for the joy of learning, he never cared if he was first or last.
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Rancho: [after indirectly making Pia break up with her fiancee] Come on, help us. My friend's father is very ill!
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: Go away!
Rancho: Come on! You are almost a doctor! What is that oath you take... oh yes, Hippocratic oath - I will help a fellow patient, I remain a member of society with special obligations etc.
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Reluctantly allows him to get up on her scooter] Okay.
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Later when Rancho is speeding with the scooter, with the patient and Pia on the back, towards the hospital] You crashed my sister's wedding, you broke my engagement, for you my Dad keeps taking blood pressure tablets... and I am helping you? Hippocrates screwed us Doctors!
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Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Now that everyone knows, Rancho's real surname is not Chhanchhad] Thank God, after marriage my name wont be Pia Chhanchhad!
Raju Rastogi: So what is your actual name?
Rancho: Phunsukh Wangdu.
Farhan Qureshi: What?
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Thinking of her future name] Pia Wangdu?
Rancho: [to Raju & Farhan] Phunsukh Wangdu.
Farhan Qureshi: Phunsukh Wangdu? Silencer's Phunsukh Wangdu?
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: I don't want to be named Pia Wangdu!
Rancho: [to Raju & Farhan] Yes.
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: Can I keep my name after marriage?
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Viru Sahastrabudhhe: [Angrily looks for Raju in the class] Raju Rastogi?
Raju Rastogi: [a drunk Raju stands up from the last bench of class... and shouts] Yes, sir!
Viru Sahastrabudhhe: How does an induction motor start?
Raju Rastogi: [Raju looks around smilingly and then shouts] Vrrrrommmmmm. Vrrrrrrrooom.
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Rancho: [At Pia's sister's wedding] Hi.
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [a little surprised, as she doesn't know him] Hello.
Rancho: I have a free advice, would you try?
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Still smiling] What?
Rancho: [Takes her drink away] Let me hold this first, else you may later throw it on me. Leave this guy.
[Points at his fiancee]
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Now angry] What?
Suhas: [Meanwhile her Fiancee, speaking to somebody else a little far away] Look at this coat. Yes, its quite costly, 50K.
Rancho: Look at him. He is a moving price tag! He will always keep you reminding of price of every single object he bought. Your life will become a supermarket!
Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: [Extremely angry] Excuse me. Who the hell are you? You don't know anything about him.
Rancho: Oh, you need a demonstration! Okay, watch me, he will tell his shoe's price in a second, without anybody even asking him!
[He pushed a waiter, who was carrying a green gooey chutney. The chutney fell on Suhas's shoe]
Suhas: [shouting] You idiot! What the hell! This shoe cost me 10K!
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Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': [In the auditorium, delivering a speech] Today, if ICE is touching sky-high limits, then the credit goes to only one man: Shri Viru Sahastrabudhhe! Give him a hand!
Librarian Dubey: [Leans towards Sahastrabudhhe] Sir, the voice is his, but the words are mine.
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': He's a great guy, really, you are. For the past 32 years in this college, he has continuously committed rapes upon rapes.
Rancho: [to Rastogi] He meant, "Miracles upon miracles."
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': I hope he continues to do so. We often wondered how a person in his lifetime can do these many rapes. With this extreme self-discipline, he's made himself this capable. Correct usage of time, complete utilization of the bell. Somebody learn from him. Learn from him. Learn from him!
Minister in Auditorium: [Holding back Sahastrabudhhe] Sit down, sit down!
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Today, we all students are here. Tomorrow, we'll spread across so many countries. I promise you all, whichever country we are in, there we'll rape! We'll bring glory to the name of ICE! We'll show everyone the ability to rape that students over here have. No other student across the globe has it! No other student! No other student!
[after waiting for the chanting to die down]
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Respected minister, namaskar. You have given the thing this institution needs the most:...
Rancho: Money! Money!
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Breasts!
Librarian Dubey: Not that! That word means this!
[Gestures breasts with his hands]
Minister in Auditorium: What kind of insulting things is this boy saying?
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Everyone has breasts.
[Shoves hand into pocket]
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Everyone keeps it hidden. Nobody ever gives it willingly!
Minister in Auditorium: This guy is too vulgar!
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': You have given your breasts to the hands of this rapist. Now, let us see how he makes use of it.
Minister in Auditorium: Sahstrabudhhe, don't you have any brains? Indecent guy.
[walks out of the auditorium]
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Let me recite a shlok for this golden occasion.
Rancho: Listen. Listen. He'll explain his farts in Sanskrit.
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': The loudest fart sounds like a motor vehicle.
Millimeter - MM: Fart? Go, silencer!
Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': A weaker one sounds like a train. The weakest fart is a silent killer.
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Pia V. Sahastrabudhhe: You Gujaratis are so cute. But why does your food sound so dangerous? Dhokla, fafda, handwa, thepla, khakhra, they sound like missiles. Today, Bush dropped two dhoklas on Iraq: 400 dead, 200 injured. I can deal with khakhra, fafda, but your name? Ranchhodddas Shamaldas Chanchad. Yuck! I won't change my last name after marriage
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Rancho: All is well.
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Rancho: These engineers are very smart sir, they didn't invent a machine which can measure the pressure on the brain. If they had, we would have come to know that this was not a suicide but a Murder.
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Rancho: Instruments that record analyse summarize organize debate and explain information which are illustrative non-illustrative hardbound paperback jacketed non-jacketed with forward introduction, table of contents, index that are intended for the enlightenment, understanding enrichment enhancement and education of the human brain through sensory root of vision... Sometimes touch
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Rancho: I never manage to plant the kiss dude... the nose comes in between.
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Rancho: I wasn't teaching you engineering, that you know better than me. I was teaching you how to teach.
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Rancho: Ehh, Punsukh Wangdu.
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Raju Rastogi: Sir, I have learnt to stand up on my feet after having broken both my legs. This attitude has come with great difficulty. No sir, I can't. You may keep your job, and let me keep my attitude.
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Raju Rastogi: There's something going on between you both.
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Farhan Qureshi: Rancho was right when he said "Pursue excellence, and success will follow, pants down!"
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Farhan Qureshi: I've always been a law abiding citizen. But in the last 24 hours, I grounded an airplane, nearly flushed someone's remains down the toilet, and helped Pia escape her wedding. All for Rancho. He would've done the same for any of us, too, like stealing a copy of the final exam that was designed for Raju's failure.
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Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': [Chatur unzips his pants and presents his butt] Your Majesty, thou art great! Accept this humble offering!
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Chatur Ramalingam aka 'Silencer': Remember? I'd challenged that idiot right here.
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Farhan Qureshi: If I become a photographer? I'll just earn less, right? My home will be small, my car will be small.But, Dad, I'll be happy!I'll be really happy.Whatever I do, I will be doing it from my heart.
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Rancho: Do you know why I come first?
Raju Rastogi: Why?
Rancho: I'm in love with machine. Engineering is my passion.
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Viru Sahastrabudhhe: Who was the first man to step on the moon. Neil Amstrong, oviously. We all know that, but who was the second man? Don't waste your time. It's not important. Nobody ever remembers the man who came second.
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Rancho: We have a lots of exam but have only one dad.
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Rancho: The chicken doesn't know the fate of its egg. Will it be hatched or become fried egg?
3 Idiots Quotes
Extended Reading
