Shrek:
All right, Rumpel, what's going on? What have you done?
Rumpelstiltskin:
Oh, no, Shrek. It's not what I'VE done. It's what YOU'VE done. Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
Shrek:
They would never do that.
Rumpelstiltskin:
They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear.
[in a flashback, Rumpelstiltskin laughs as Harold signs the contract]
Rumpelstiltskin:
And then THEY disappeared!
[Harold and Lillian stare in shock and scream as they disappear in sparkly gold dust; their crowns drop down onto the table; back in the present day, Rumpelstiltskin pick up Harold's crown and twirls it around his finger; Shrek looks horrified]
Rumpelstiltskin:
Ah, they would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter's curse.
Shrek:
I ended Fiona's curse!
Rumpelstiltskin:
[rolls the crown aside and kicks it away]
How could you when you never existed?
Shrek:
[struggles as the witches force him onto his knees]
You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
Rumpelstiltskin:
[marches up to Shrek and takes the contract out of his vest]
Here, let me spell it out for you! You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn't even remember. Oh-ho-ho. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby.
[sticks the contract back in Shrek's vest and marches back to his throne whilst humming "Happy Birthday to You"]
Shrek:
[in shocking realisation]
You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin:
No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Shrek:
[rises back onto his feet]
Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up--!
Rumpelstiltskin:
But-but-but-but-but you haven't heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you.
[a witch places a huge hourglass on the table; Shrek watches the slowly-shifting golden sand]
Shrek:
Where's Fiona? Where's my family?
Rumpelstiltskin:
Ha! Silly little ogre. You don't get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don't exist.
[Shrek grimaces as the witches cackle all around him]
Rumpelstiltskin:
How's that for a metaphysical paradox?
[Shrek's anger increases as Rumpelstiltskin and the witches laugh even harder and louder]
Rumpelstiltskin:
Looks like you got exactly what you wanted!
[Shrek is now completely enraged]
Rumpelstiltskin:
Happy Ogre Day!
Shrek:
[lunges forward]
Rumpel!
