Walter Raney

Ramon: We have visitors. Tremendous visitors! Two simply enormous Roman lords on the hill.

Batiatus: How easily impressed you are, Ramon. Just 'cause they're Romans, I suppose they're enormous. Tell them to wait for me when they arrive.

Ramon: Master, you don't understand!

Batiatus: How enormous do these Roman lords get?

Ramon: One of them is Marcus Licinius Crassus.

Batiatus: What? Wait a minute. Crassus here? Varinia, my red toga with the acorns. And some chairs in the atrium. Second-best wine. No, the best, but small goblets.

[Notices a head-bust]

Batiatus: Gracchus! You know how Crassus loathes him. Take him away.

Ramon: I can't lift it.

Batiatus: Use your imagination! Cover him. Tell Marcellus to get the men ready. Crassus has expensive taste. He'll want a show of some sort.

[to the head-bust]

Batiatus: Forgive me, Gracchus.

Batiatus: Marcus Licinius Crassus. Most noble radiance, first general of the Republic, father and defender of Rome, honour my house. Bless it with your presence. Wine! Sweetmeats! Can't you see that Their Honours are exhausted? Have the goodness to sit. Is anything wrong, Your Nobility?

Marcus Licinius Crassus: No.

Batiatus: Welcome to the Lady Claudia Maria, former wife of Lucius Caius Marius, whose recent execution touched us all so deeply. Honour to the Lady Helena, daughter of the late Septimus Optimus Glabrus, whose fame shall live on forever in the person of his son, your brother, Marcus Publius Glabrus, hero of the Eastern Wars.

Helena Glabrus: How very much he knows. Allow me to bring you up to date. We're here to celebrate the marriage of my brother to the Lady Claudia.

Batiatus: A mating of eagles, Your Sanctity! Fan His Magnitude. He sweats.