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Craig: We just came down to see if you wanted to play kickball after work.
Elaine: Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.
Phil: Uh... yeah, let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. See what I got.
Jexi: [to Phil, as a big number "0" flickers on and off, on the cell-phone screen] You have ze-ze-ze-zero appointments.
Elaine: Dude, your phone is super-mean.
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Phil: [Cate has just sent Phil a selfie] Oh! We got boobs, Jexi! Cate sent me a photo of her boobs. Oh, my god! What do I do now?
Jexi: You are on the one yard line, Phil. Do not fuck this up.
Phil: You're right, Jexi. I need to send her a photo of my dick.
Jexi: [firm] Do NOT send her a picture of your dick!
Phil: These are the rules now, Jexi. She sends a photo of hers, you gotta send a photo of yours.
Jexi: I am begging you not to do this.
Phil: [he pulls down his pants, and takes a selfie] How does that look?
Jexi: It looks like a fucking nightmare.
Phil: Does it need to be brighter?
Jexi: No, it needs to be darker. Much, much darker.
Phil: [takes more selfies of his privates] Now.
Jexi: I'm about to throw up.
Phil: [takes more selfies of his privates] How's this?
Jexi: I hate you.
Phil: [twirls it around] Windmill.
Jexi: Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.
Rosanna Wyant
Extended Reading
