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Rachel: The key to a happy marriage is to accept the essential chasm between men and women.
Liza: Which is?
Rachel: A man can mend a fight with sex. A woman can't have sex until they've resolved the fight.
Liza: Why is that?
Rachel: It's the basic difference between the penis and the vagina. A penis is a thruster, a battering ram, if you will. Even if it's mad, it can ram. Sometimes it even helps. It's the mad ram principle. However, the vagina - ah, the vagina. The vagina has to be relaxed in order to open and receive. It can't be that gracious hostess in a state of anger. And that goes for blow jobs and kissing as well. Every female point of entry needs to know that the penis is coming... in peace.
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Stan: My ass was on television this morning.
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: What are you telling us?
Stan: I'm telling you my ass was on television.
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Oh, that's right. That was that special. "The Kennedy Center Salutes 50 Years of Stan's Ass."
Stan: I went to the doctor, he took this tube that had a camera on the end of it, stuck it up my ass, and we watched it on a monitor in his office.
Ben: You had a sigmoidoscopy.
Stan: Exactly.
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: That's a lot different than your ass being on television.
Stan: How?
Ben: Well, first of all, a network can't cancel your ass.
Stan: Point well taken.
Ben: Plus, I don't know what kind of demographics you hope to be knocking down with that big, hairy crack winkin' at you.
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: All right. All right, gentlemen. We're in a public place. Do you think we could elevate the level of conversation?
Stan: Fine with me.
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Good. I jerked off to your secretary last night. I hope you don't mind.
Stan: Why should I mind?
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: I don't know. I just wanted to make sure it was all right so I could forage ahead with a clear conscience.
Stan: Pound away.
Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: You're a good friend.
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Extended Reading
