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Kostya Novotny: [as he arrives late for the party] So how can you start this party without me?
Monty Brogan: Oh shut up, you fat Russian fuck!
Kostya Novotny: Fat UKRANIAN fuck!
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Mary D'Annunzio: I wanted to know why I got a B minus on my paper.
Jakob Elinsky: You got what you earned.
Mary D'Annunzio: Nobody else in that class can write! You know it! I know it! Everyone knows it!
Jakob Elinsky: Don't worry. You're not competing with them.
Mary D'Annunzio: Yeah. But I am. Okay. I am competing with them. When you apply for college, you might have heard of this, they look at these things called grades and if your grades aren't good enough...
Jakob Elinsky: Your grades are going to be fine.
Mary D'Annunzio: Vincent Phiscalla writes a story about his grandmother dying and you give him an A plus. And meanwhile, the night of the funeral, you wanna know where Rhodes Scholar Vince is? Getting smashed at a basketball party and slapping girls asses. I mean, what is that? A charity A+? You wanna know why everybody always writes about their grandmothers dying? It's not because it's so traumatic. It's because it's a guaranteed A+! And you sit there all sentimental "Oh, Vince it was very powerful, very moving." No, it wasn't. You didn't care. Nobody cared. That's what grandmothers do. They die!
Jakob Elinsky: Sometimes, guys have a hard time showing their emotions.
Mary D'Annunzio: So, slapping my ass is a way of mourning his dead grandmother?
Jakob Elinsky: [points to Mary's stomach] What did your mother say when you got that?
Mary D'Annunzio: Um, she said, "Where did you get the money for that?"
Jakob Elinsky: And?
Mary D'Annunzio: What did I say or did I get the money?
Jakob Elinsky: What did you say?
Mary D'Annunzio: I said, "He likes me."
Jakob Elinsky: Does he?
Mary D'Annunzio: No. Why do you care so much?
Jakob Elinsky: Just curious.
Mary D'Annunzio: So, you're not gonna change the grade?
Jakob Elinsky: No, I'm not going to change the grade.
Mary D'Annunzio: Great! You know what, this was a big waste of my time!
Jakob Elinsky: Wait!
Patrice O'Neal
Extended Reading
