Niall Leonard

[Sharon enters the house]

Sharon: My son is engaged and my husband is in Maui with a tartlet named Cheryl.

Diane: Oh.

Sharon: I need a drink.

Carol: Your 'husband'?

Diane: You can't possibly still care about what Tom is doing.

Sharon: I don't care. But the guy gets seasick in a swimming pool. I mean, what the hell is he doing in Maui?

Vivian: Sounds like he's doing Cheryl in Maui.

Sharon: Oh, please. Who gets involved in a relationship at 67? I mean, what is the point?

Vivian: Oh, the point is to get laid. It's always the point.

Sharon: Don't make me sick.

Carol: Who still says, 'get laid'?

Diane: Who still has any interest?

Vivian: Ah, no, no, no, no, no. I am not gonna let us become those people.

Diane: What people are you talking about?

Vivian: You know what people. The people who stop living before they stop living.

Sharon: I haven't had sex since my divorce, and it's been the happiest 18 years of my life.

Vivian: What? That must be some kind of... record. I mean, what even happens to a vagina after 18 years?

Diane: You know, I think Werner Herzog did a documentary on that.

Carol: Yeah. It's called The Cave of Forgotten Dreams.

[Vivian, Diane, and Carol laugh]

Sharon: Okay, will you stop it? Moving on. Let's talk about the book.

Vivian: Oh, God. The hiking book? Really?

Carol: Come on. I liked it! It's such a remarkable undertaking. Can you imagine?

Sharon: No, I cannot. I don't even like walking to my mailbox.

Carol: It's just an amazing story. I mean, so many layers. I wouldn't even know how to break it down.

Vivian: Well, I'll break it down for you. She hikes, she lost her boot, she did heroin.

Diane: Did you only read the back cover?

Vivian: [gulping her wine] I wish. I kept wanting to shout at her, 'Oh, wait ten years, honey. Dry shampoo is coming.'

Sharon: You know, if you would ever connect with something on a more emotional level...

Vivian: Emotional connection is highly overrated.

Carol: You have not had an emotional connection for 40 years.

Sharon: Wow, that must be some type of record.

Diane: Yeah, but what happens to emotions after 40 years?

Vivian: Okay, okay, are you guys having fun? Really?

Diane: Oh, come on. You know we love you.

Carol: Maybe it's time you did take a hike and try to reconnect with your own true self.

Sharon: I'll buy you a backpack.

Vivian: I'll tell you how to reconnect with your own true self...

[gets up]

Vivian: and it ain't by walking alone in the desert.

Vivian: [grabs copies of Fifty Shades of Grey from bag] I would like to introduce you to Christian Grey.

Diane: Oh...

Sharon: Oh, no.

Vivian: [passes books to the other ladies] Why? It was a bestseller made into a movie.

Carol: Oh, and that is our theme this year.

Diane: Oh, wow.

Sharon: We are not reading this.

Vivian: It's my month! When it's your month, you can choose whatever boring, depressing book you want.

Sharon: I'm not sure this qualifies as a book.

Vivian: Well, 50 million people can't be wrong.

Sharon: To... to even be holding this book is embarrassing.

Vivian: Who's judging you? Your cat?

Carol: I do like the idea of a romance.

Sharon: We are too old.

Carol: But it does say right here 'for mature audiences'.

Diane: Yeah, that certainly sounds like us.

Sharon: We started this book club to stimulate our minds.

Vivian: Well, from what I hear, this book is quite stimulating.

Diane: Oh, God.

Vivian: [grabs her wine glass and gets up] So... come on! Let's toast to our new book.

Carol: All right.

[the ladies get up to toast]

Vivian: Drink up. Hoist that glass. Happy reading, ladies.