Micky McGregor

China: Dan, they'll f@ck you around, I'm warning you. Make it as miserable as possible. No accident. That's the plan. I know dozens who have just given up.

Daniel: Well, they've picked the wrong one if they think I'm gonna give up. I'm like a dog with a bone, me, son.

[first lines]

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Good morning, Mr Blake. My name's Amanda. I've got a couple of questions here for you today to establish your eligibility for Employment Support Allowance. It won't take up much of your time. Could I just ask firstly, can you walk more than 50 metres unassisted by any other person?

Daniel: Yes.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Okay... Can you raise either arm as if to put something in your top pocket?

Daniel: I've filled this in already on your 52-page form.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Yeah, I can see that you have but, unfortunately, I couldn't make out what you had said there.

Daniel: Yes.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Can you raise either arm to the top of your head as if you are putting on a hat?

Daniel: I've telt you, there's nowt wrong with me arms and legs.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Could you just answer the question, please.

Daniel: Well, you've got me medical records... Can we just talk about me heart?

Amanda the Health Care Professional: D'you think you could just answer these questions?

Daniel: Okay.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: So was that a yes, that you can put a hat on your head?

Daniel: Yes.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Okay, that's great... Can you press a button such as a telephone keypad?

Daniel: There's nowt wrong with me fingers either... I mean, we're getting farther and farther away from me heart.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: If we could just keep to these questions, thank you... Do you have any significant difficulty conveying a simple message to strangers?

Daniel: Yes. Yes, it's me fucking heart. I'm trying to tell you but you'll not listen.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Mr Blake, if you continue to speak to us like that that's not gonna be very helpful for your assessment... If you could just answer the question, please.

Daniel: Yes.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Okay... Do you ever experience any loss of control leading to extensive evacuation of the bowel?

Daniel: No. But I cannot guarantee there won't be a first if we didn't get to the point.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Can you complete a simple task of setting an alarm clock?

Daniel: Oh, Jesus. Yes... Can I ask you a question? Are you medically qualified?

Amanda the Health Care Professional: I'm a health care professional appointed by the Department of Work and Pensions to carry out assessments for Employment and Support Allowance.

Daniel: But there was a bloke out in the, er, in the waiting room, he says that you work for an American company.

Amanda the Health Care Professional: Our company's been appointed by the Government.

Daniel: Are you a nurse? Are you a doctor?

Amanda the Health Care Professional: I'm a health care professional.

Daniel: Listen, I've had a major heart attack. I nearly fell off the scaffolding. I wanna get back to work, too... Now, please, can we talk about me heart? Forget about me arse, that works a dream.