Koleman Stinger

Aron Ralston: [as Brian Stephenson] Good morning, everyone! It is 7 o'clock here in Canyonlands, USA! And this morning on the boulder, we have a very special special guest, self-proclaimed American superhero, Aron Ralston! Let's hear it for Aron!

[nods to his imaginary audience]

Aron Ralston: [as himself] Hey. Hi. Oh, gosh, it's... It's a real pleasure to be here. Thank you. Thank you! Heh. Eh-heh. Em... Hey, can I say hi to my mom and dad?

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: Mom and Dad! Mustn't forget Mom and Dad. Right, Aron?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Yeah, that's right. Eh... Hey, Mom. I'm really sorry I didn't answer the phone the other night. If I had, I would have told you where I was going, and then... Well, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: That's for sure! But like I always say... your supreme selfishness is our gain. Thank you, Aron. Anyone else you'd like to say hi to?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Ehm... Well, Brion at work.

Brian: Hi, Aron!

Aron Ralston: [as himself] Hey! Eh... I probably won't be making it into work today.

[Stephenson-Aron and the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: [as Stephenson] Get a load of this guy! Oh, wait. Hold on... We've got a question coming in from another Aron in Loser Canyon, Utah! Aron asks...

[as caller]

Aron Ralston: Am I right in thinking that even if Brion from work notifies the police, they'll put a 24-hour hold on it before they file a Missing Persons report? Which means you won't become officially missing until midday Wednesday, at the earliest?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Yeah. You're right on the money there, Aron.

[the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: Which means, I'll probably be dead by then.

[the audience laughs again]

Aron Ralston: [as Stephenson] Aron from Loser Canyon, Utah. How do you know so much?

[as caller]

Aron Ralston: Well, I'll tell you how I know so much. I volunteer for the rescue service. You see, I'm something of a... well, a big fucking hard hero.

[the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: And I can do everything on my own, you see?

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: I do see! Now... Is it true that despite, or maybe because you're a big fucking hard hero... you didn't tell anyone where you were going?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Yeah. That's absolutely correct.

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: Anyone...?

[as himself, shaking his head]

Aron Ralston: Anyone.

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: Oops...

[the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: [silently repeats] Oops. Oops.

[first lines]

Aron Ralston: Hey. Aron here. Leave a message.

Sonja Ralston: Hey Aron. Sonja here, again. I know that you're probably gonna be away this weekend. But listen, just think about we we're gonna play. Please. 'Cause we have to decide, and we really... We need to practice, okay? Anyway, it will be fun. I promise. And oh, please call mom. Please. 'Cause she worries, which you know already. Okay. Later, A., goodbye.